Beating Christ to the punch

Yeah OK, call me a blasphemer.....

This was the conversation I had with a man I care a great deal about (and have mentioned time and again on my blog). He is struggling with his health and is having a celebration because he just got placed on the transplant list....these are his words not mine. And, it's why I love him - his sense of humour never fails even as his body does...

So last night was our annual 'End-Lent-by-Meeting-Up-At-Steak-n-Shake' with our favourite parish priest and a group of people - I think we are up to over 20 people now doing this event. It is a blast. Right around midnight, Holy Saturday, we all meet up to 'end the Lenten fast' by having decadent burgers and shakes....plain ole' gluttony. We always have so much fun.

I am reading a book now - I have not been reading lately because, I don't know why - just brain fog, too much other shite going down, you name it - and of course because the last one I attempted, 'Reading Lolita in Tehran', was seriously poorly written - and before you jump all over my arse for saying that let me tell you I hate the fact that I didn't even like this book - not love it (as I thought I would) - I could barely get through it....all I kept thinking over and over was that the woman who wrote it calls herself a teacher. Now, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly intrigued by what happens in the Middle-East when it comes to women and their rights. I am so 'on their side' - I could BE Muslim - that is how sympathetic I am. But the writing in this book made me cringe....

So where was I? Oh yeah....

So I am reading:

...and this book is a page turner so far. There's no espionage, no murder and mayhem...there is simply and fascinatingly, a crumbling marriage as well as a dead-on articulation of life after wartime in 1950's America. And it's like a horrible accident on the side of the road, carnage is everywhere, it's gory and yet, you can't look away.

I can so identify with what this young couple is going through. The restlessness, the losing your identity, the loathing of society, the doldrums, the work crap, the kid crap, the everything crap. I think the danger of reading books like this when you are happily married (or even unhappily married) is that the 'disease seems contagious' (sort of like avoiding people who have broken up - there's a contaminant fear). Or, like reading a psych book as a first year student and suddenly you think you are a schizophrenic. I am enjoying this book and it is scaring the living daylights out of me...

So I hope you all have had a good holy week, a great Passover, a happy Easter and a blessed spring. Here's to your health and the health of your relationships.

A bientot mes amis

Sometimes the truth hurts. NY Times: 'Vows' Weddings and Celebrations

This is a hard one. I can very easily see both sides of the coin here.

On one side you have two people who meet and go from being infatuated to falling madly in love with one another despite the fact that they each have spouses. They obviously did not set out for this to happen.

On the other side you have the wronged spouses, the children who feel betrayed and a mess that will go on long after 'vows' were exchanged.

Does that fact that these two tried to do an honorable thing despite their selfishness make up for it....no, not really, not in my humble opinion. While I find it incredibly brave of them (getting honest and all), I think that perhaps they should have exercised better judgment in many ways, not the least of which would include 'airing' this to the NY Times. I also question the newspaper's willingness to portray this 'love story' without taking into account the other parties (as well as innocent children) involved.

Sure, maybe Ms. Riddell wanted this 'out in the open' but was that to simply assuage her own guilt-ridden conscience? One has to wonder. Like Ms. Riddle, I'd like to think that love conquers all and that there is hope that with best intentions, the kids can get over this betrayal. But speaking from my own experience (where I was not nearly as brave but most definitely as selfish), I have to say that healing is slow at best and sometimes, damn near impossible for those on the hurting end of this equation. (And no, I am not suggesting that Ms. Riddle isn't hurting). But why glorify this by running a full page write up in the NY Times?

And to answer the reader who asked:

"Is it a sign of our times that personal responsibility to one's spouse and children takes a back seat to selfish, self-centered love?"

Um...in a word yes. Do you not see the divorce/affair statistics? Are you living in a cave? Selfishness seems to be the watchword of the day. Narcissism, and instant gratification all seem to run rampant. We still want to be admired, we want others to find us attractive and it often comes at the cost of our loyalty to our spouses and those vows we so solemnly took on our wedding days.

And perhaps what is making everyone squirm about this is the mirror that is being held up to our marriages and relationships. Can your intentions really pass muster? Are you absolutely/unfailingly faithful to your spouse/significant other? Would they agree if they were aware of every single instance of your interactions with people of the opposite sex, be it at the workplace, on Facebook ,or on some other social 'networking' site? In other words, would you do it in front of them...isn't that the test?

So while I wish these people the best and hope that EVERYONE involved (especially the children) heal. I still have to wonder why Ms. Riddle's and Mr. Partilla's bravery and honesty had to include the breakup of their respective marriages.

Yoga Interview with Trudie Styler and Sting

This was interesting because Trudie and Sting have been together for 27 years.

Trudie Styler gave away their secret for lasting love:

"Sustaining intimacy is an important ingredient in chemistry. People say to us that, after all these years, we seem like we are in love. It's because being together for us still feels fresh. It's about devoting time to one another - talking, sharing, valuing one another..."

From Yoga Journal March 2010 Issue

The Happening(s)

No, no, no - not *that* awful movie...

Update(s).

So much to tell....so wanting to just go lie down...so tired lately...scared...but happy.

For starters, Erin and I actually went to a Marriage Encounter Weekend - talk about a throw-back to the 70s (which sucked on the whole as a decade), but I digress...

Anyhow it was nice - it was difficult and draining...it brought me closer to my husband. And while one might say or ask what the hell a couple only married for 8 months needs one of these marriage encounter weekends for - the answer might not be one you expect.

The entire time Erin and I were engaged, we'd read about all these cool things for married couples to attend via the 'Church' - we'd complain that there was nothing of the sort for engaged couples and I think a lot of times we both felt we needed more than just the one-day Pre-Cana II class we attended. So for Christmas, aside from getting me 'Fireproof' (the movie) and the 'Love Dare' book (from the movie too) - Erin registered us for a Marriage Encounter weekend to fall on Valentine's Day.

We have been using the book 'The Love Dare' and I have to say some of this stuff just simply does not apply to us. We already DO do a lot of these things for one another - we are after all still newlyweds. The movie was good - not academy award winning stuff, but good for couples to watch.

We showed up for the weekend and we were immediately brought in and began 'working' on the 'course' - we were, we both noticed, one of the only couples snuggling while we sat together - that was to be the standard for most of the weekend.

The weekend, seriously, in a word was, grueling. If it's going to work, you have to be willing peel away your defenses, let your guard down and get intimate with the person you are suppose to be most intimate with - your partner. We hit exactly one bump. All the rest was beautiful - really - I feel much closer to Erin now. He 'witnessed' to the other couples and they all applauded when he told them how much he loved me and how passionate he was about me. I had a had a hard time following up his beautiful sentiment - but I did and I spoke of how wonderful Erin is and what a good husband he is - and how lucky I am to have him as my spouse.

At the end of the weekend, I felt really drawn to one of the other couples, I identified with them and I hope to continue to stay in touch with them.

Erin and I also were able to renew our vows at the end of the weekend.

I could sit here and complain about the parts of the weekend I did not enjoy but I won't - that's not what's needed in this forum. I will say it gave us some tools for staying close and I think we will use those tools and I also think we would go again in the future.

Following the Marriage Encounter weekend, there was a celebration of 'Marriage Day' at our church where, at the end of mass, we got to renew our vows....again...we seem to be getting good at this. After mass, there was a pot luck dinner for couples and it was very nice seeing couples from our church and talking with fellow couples that we both call 'friend' - breaking bread and celebrating the sacrament and blessing (mixed though it may be at times) of holy matrimony.

I love my husband - and I believe I grow more in love with each passing day...and I never thought I'd say that about someone.

***********

There's more going on of course....of note - issues with the kids. They are both struggling in school and finally we have come to a point where we need help dealing with these issues. Pray for us that this works - the kids are amazing. They are good kids. We just need ti impress upon them the importance of their school work. Hopefully with this help the situation will right itself.

************

Fun.

Took the kids to see 'Coraline'



Just go - it was wonderful...really - I have Neil Gaiman books yet to read....and of course I WILL - I swear I will - just don't pass this movie up - especially if you have someone you love to share it with - and if you can see it in 3D.

************

Family - extended - but not really....

Got to spend today (after teaching a rousing PSR class with my husband (and yes I am being sarcastic - I've met Zombies more animated than our kids from class were today) - with my brother Kevin and his wife Roseanne and their kids Kate and Pat and we attended a service at Trinity Cathedral - an absolutely, breath-taking and gorgeous church - where I felt very at home, very welcome - I look forward to attending again very soon...(it is the first time I felt like I was close to Ireland since we got back from our honeymoon)....

If you live in Cleveland or work downtown - go check out the Cathedral - well worth the visit:











Spending time like this with my brother's family is great fun because in a way, I get to be able to raise kids at the same time my siblings are raising their kids (my sister as well has a younger daughter)- strange on some levels...my biological children are all older than my brother's and sister's children - so now with the blessing of Katie and Jason in my life we get to have 'play dates' and sleep overs...nice, very nice.

Round it off with a buffet at an Indian restaurant and I think we may have achieved Nirvana.

************

Health....just say a prayer - I have to have some more tests and I am just hoping that everything will be OK....not the note I want to end on here...but it is well...reality.

Peace to you all.

About dating...

Every now and then I speak up on the old divorce group board that for some reason I stay on - mainly because for the most part it's a good group of people. A lot of the women struggle though to find their lives again after divorce and seemingly it's harder for them to successfully date again than it is for the men.

I remembered my own dismal experiences and wrote this:

"...it's hard. I won't say I was desperate when Erin came along...I had just flat given up any hope - in fact - and this is a hoot - I was thinking seriously of either running away to Paris and becoming a writer living in a seedy little apartment while taking up smoking and rekindling my long-standing relationship with wine....going overseas to teach Yoga at resorts, or joining a monastery - and frankly, the monastery idea was winning

The online thing sucked - people were nuts, desperate - I tried for like 2 years - in all that time I had maybe 2 successful dates all the rest were miserable. Guys were simply looking for the next Mrs. 'I will wash your underwear, cook your dinner, be a surrogate mom to your kids' etc. The ones that were viable were few and far between yet there was never any 'real chemistry' or our schedules didn't click, or after a few dates he wanted me to meet his mom. I think the worst part was that I was expected to 'put out' like there was some kind of '2,3 or 4 date rule' - I had a woman tell me 'well it's not like we are virgins anymore - they expect it' - really???? WTF? So yeah I gave up. And sometimes that is the best thing to do because that is when I truly began to focus on me. Once I stopped trying the universe presented me with one of the greatest gifts ever - the gift of loving and enjoying myself. I did that and everything - for me at least- fell into place.

There was a big dose of irony and karma in meeting Erin - my ex husband (the one who cheated on me with an 18 yr old) introduced us....it's laughable now - but talk about revenge being a dish best served cold....my ex went nuts. I didn't date Erin to piss him off - in fact I gave Erin my phone number and I gave my phone number to another guy who was at the same picnic....it was Erin that phoned me the next morning - woke my ass up LOL - broke every rule in the book (the wait a couple days before you call rule) - we talked for hours and hours that first week and then we met for our very first date - and to this day we both feel it was love at first site....both in retrospect because we were both being pretty careful not to get caught up - but I know by our second date, I was hooked - and so was he.

So over and over - all I keep saying is there is hope out there and if somebody my age, who has been through what I have been through can find love again - we all can - but in a way you have to let it find you...sounds silly and faerie tale-esq but it's a truth in my book."

Now...I am not going to say that life is just or was just a bowl of cherries for Erin and I - once we past the 'new romance' stage we had things to work on - we still do - and we probably always will. We are both highly intelligent, complex and sensitive individuals - we are human - we are a work in progress. He is still one of the best people that has ever happened to me - I still love him with all my heart and I know I always will. I still have love in my heart for all of my exes but I am that type of person...with Erin it is different than it has ever been for me. And no matter the differences or hardships I always want to keep doing better and trying - and truly, after all I have been through that is a lot to say for me.

"What’s love got to do with it?" By: Mark Miller

(An unusual (and refreshing) confession from a man on the dating front lines).


"What’s love got to do with it?"
By Mark Miller

Women sometimes accuse men of being interested in only one thing. And it’s not Scrabble. Okay, I’ll admit that occasionally we’re only interested in one thing and that one thing is sex.

Recently, though, I discovered it’s not only men who have this single-minded interest. I realized this when I started corresponding with a woman online who made it clear on her dating profile that, like many guys — and unlike many women — she was not looking for her soul mate. She was not looking for a long-term relationship. The word “commitment” was clearly not a part of her dating vocabulary. She merely wanted, as that great philosopher, Olivia Newton-John once put it, to “get physical.”Perhaps there are a lot of women like this out there. But in my experience, it was certainly a rarity, if not a first. A woman who just wants sex, no emotional or relationship strings attached. Now, most guys would describe this situation as, for want of a better word, heaven.

Right from our first meeting, Nancy made it clear that she was attracted to me. Lots of touching, a hug, an invitation for the second date. On that date, she drove us to one of her favorite restaurants, chose the table close to the band, suggested a bottle of wine, and shared her food. I was starting to feel like the woman in the relationship. And, frankly, it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. We held hands during dinner and she initiated the first and subsequent kisses during the meal. I wondered on which cool planet I’d landed where getting physical was so easy and stress-free.But on the way back to Nancy’s place afterwards, I thought to myself, “Rather than rush into anything, I’ll act like a gentleman, thank her for a wonderful evening, and drive home.” Nancy, however, had something else in mind. As soon as we got inside her apartment, without saying a word, she proceeded to have her way with me. Granted, I was a full and willing participant. And again, I wondered what cool planet this was where there was no need to discuss when we should have sex, why we should have sex, what sex means to us, what we mean to each other, and so on. It was just raw, animal passion. Which made it all the more shocking when, to my surprise, I was overcome with a feeling of emptiness: Nancy did not invite me to stay overnight. She let me know that she couldn’t see me until the following weekend because she was “busy.” And when I called her the next morning to thank her for what seemed to me to be a pretty exciting evening for both of us, Nancy’s exact response, and I quote, was, “Yeah, dinner was nice.” I thought to myself, “Dinner was nice”? What is this, emotional payback for all the thousands of years men have been doing this sort of thing to women?

Two days later, Nancy called and suggested getting together again. I thought about saying, “No, thanks. I’m looking for someone serious about a long-term relationship.” But then I remembered how great the sex was. We ended up going for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres and making out in the back seat of my car. To my disappointment, there was no talk of a future date. The next day, I sent her an email. She never responded. And I still have not heard from her. But I thank her for teaching me something.

Thanks to Nancy, I experienced first-hand the painful feeling of hollowness and emotional whiplash in going from full-contact love-making to no contact whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying I’d act differently if another Nancy came along. But, truthfully, another Nancy definitely would not be my first choice. I like all that other “stuff” that comes with a committed relationship. In fact, I want and need it. Because as thrilling and comforting as sex can be, it’s true what they say about having it with someone you love and care about. I just hope to God I experience it before I start getting really attached to my Scrabble board.

"My 99-cent dating experiment"

"My 99-cent dating experiment"

I actually wrote a letter to Mr. Miller because I wanted to share my own 'story' and to let him know that there are women out there who 'get it' and aren't 'gold diggers'. (Of coure they might not live in LA)....

********

Dear Mr. Miller:

I read with great amusement and quite a lot of sympathy your write up on dating 'on the cheap' in LA. Bravo to you for at least managing to pull that off. 'Tis a shame your lady friend did not appreciate your humor. We women can be somewhat humorless. Especially if we too have been through the ringer and divorced.

At any rate I thought I'd write to you and tell you I appreciate where you are coming from.
I was married to a loser who did indeed put me through the ringer. I was the major bread-winner in our duet and on top of that did all the house work - but I digress.

When I began dating again, I never got very far because it seemed to me that there was a one to four date, date 'rule' - in essence I was expected to sleep with a guy after he shelled out big bucks for dinner and a nice date. This left me numb and stunned. I was actually told by a girlfriend of mine 'Well C~, it's not like you're a virgin anymore and they know that' - to which I retorted 'So what? What happened to being a gentleman - is all that they are after is a roll in the hay?'

So what with the horrors and impersonal nature of the on-line dating debacle and the 'attitudes' I came across (not to mention the weirdos), I basically decided to stop dating and began looking into joining a monastery for the time when my son would go off to college (roughly about 2 years time...).

Not long after I 'gave up' on ever finding love again, my ex (with whom by this time I actually managed a somewhat amicable relationship) - asked me to give him a lift to a gathering/picnic to be held near our local zoo. I agreed since I had not been to the zoo in years. When I dropped him off, he asked me to stay, stating I might meet 'some interesting people'. Turns out I met the man that I am currently engaged to (and madly in love with), at this picnic (much to the chagrin of my ex-husband). Neither one of us spent a dime and the sparks just flew. I gave him my phone number and he broke another 'rule' by calling me the next morning. We talked all week to one another for hours on the phone and finally had our first 'real' date in another city, Columbus, Ohio - which lasted for 6 hours and cost him buying me lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant (not the most expensive place in town I assure you). That date was one of the best and most intimate experiences of my life. I think we both fell in love with one another that day - but of course we did 'play by the rules' and didn't tell each other for another couple of months. Since then, I am pretty sure he realizes I am not into him for his money (he's very successful) - in fact, as a Yoga teacher I am extremely bothered by 'money' period - but that's another story....

So my hat's off to you for your attempt to find sincerity and someone who wants you for YOU - not your wallet. I hope you find the love you deserve and need. I am certain that someday you will indeed find 'true' love and she will be a very lucky woman to have found a man who is substantive in a way that really matters.

All my best to you,
C~

Resonance and Dischord

Wrestling with demons in the form of angels....

I don't want to reflect on what I did or did not get for Christmas (save a couple of items)...

The true gift is that of family, kinship, and love.

One of the gifts that was given me (from you-know-who of course) was a book of essays by Anais Nin. She is an author I've long identified with - this is the reason why her books (most of which I've lost due to a cat that has now passed away - another story) are on my 'wish list'...

Ms. Nin was a woman so in touch with who she was that she dared to do as she pleased - not without regard for consequence - but she remained true to herself...and she carved her niche. She made her choices with a symphony of mind and heart, body and soul - in a mainly male dominated literary world.

In one of her essays, she talks about director Igmar Bergman. She give astonishing insight into the workings of his genius mind and lays bare the essence of desire, personified in his films.

Her writings as well about how she herself lived her life strike a resonant chord within me.

She discusses how difficult it is to embrace fully ALL the 'parts' of ourselves. Not just the 'public' face but the dark 'one', hidden in the recesses that perhaps only those closest - or perhaps no one but our selves ever see - the subterranean depths of our 'other'.

As a woman, I believe at least for me, the struggle - the battle if you will - takes place on many levels.

Women (most of us) are taught from an early age to be good girls, ladies, dutiful wives and mothers, teachers, cooks, house-keepers, keepers of the faith.

Whereas, it would seem that boys are taught to be rougher, forthright, aggressive, strong, confident, conquerors...

I was shy and reticent as a little girl but soon, I grew rebellious, I longed for 'experience' and knowledge. I had a thirst; I wanted to be like the 'boys'. My sexuality charged, I somewhat recognised its power - unfortunately, and all too often, I'd pick the wrong man to lavish this on and my 'power' would be used against me...

Coming into my own took me decades of abusive relationships, failed marriages and broken/splintered families - the human cost its own form of reckoning. Yet I became ME...

Now, I often find myself torn between many 'selves'. The things I think - being observant/a psychological 'voyeur' of human nature - these edicts have a way of making it to my lips and are uttered before I sometimes even realise - hurting the one man I've come to love more than anyone who has come before. I am left feeling awful - but how do I reconcile my true nature with that of the rebel, the sarcastic bitch, the explorer, the modern-day courtesan/taker of lovers - with the 'good wife/mother', kind and lady-like creature that also lives within this mortal coil?

Almost without reason, involuntarily, my other 'side' rails at times to get out! Break Free! And I sense a certain entrapment - yet I fear the letting go - for unleashing the 'other woman' might very well cost me all that I hold dear.

I look within for the key, the clues that might help me to tame my more wayward self - while still keeping the passion that seems to live at the very core of my being alive - a passion that hungers and yearns - it seems to just take on a different aspect...

Can I be fulfilled as a woman with one 'true' love? Will my restless nature be able to settle down now that its uncovered the well-spring of love? Can I brave the true freedom of allowing myself to be possessed by HIM - to truly become as 'one' together?

I want to believe that this love is the culmination of all that I have been working towards that this IS my 'Grail'.

I don't want to permit fear of the unknown, of it 'not working out', the trepidation of my own insecurities and inadequacies to hold me hostage - what's the alternative - Life alone? The quest for another lover who 'gets me'?

Is the key having a lover who embodies all that I need - he's the 'bad boy', the 'white knight', the clandestine lover all rolled into one?

And on HIS end (I can't speak for him) - will he be patient enough, will he allow my 'coltishness, my coquettish ways? Will he be able to conquer his own fears and demons and recognise that I am not perfect - will he be smart enough to not put me on a pedestal, yet still respect me and want to cherish and uplift me? Will he be able to stay true - to not stray? Will he be satisfied and happy and really want to 'settle down'?

There seems to be no shortage of 'thought landmines' in my head.

My heart is full of love. My body aches for him, my arms long to hold him, pull him close to me; my lips hunger for his kisses. I want him with everything that I am and will become. He quenches my spirit in so many ways and I know that even if (Goddess forbid) this relationship crashes and burns, it will still have been the greatest love of my lifetime...

Men's Health: 'Why Men Cheat'

Men's Health: Why Men Cheat

Again....these articles seem overly simplistic - but there can be a grain of truth found as well. I get tired of hearing women complain about how men cheat on them and then never take any of the blame for the situation themselves - remember, it takes 2 to Tango...

Stormy Weather

Yeah...

This past weekend was probably one of the most trying of my current relationship.

I said some really stupid things and we fought. I am certain that this happens all over the world to people everywhere - but when it happens between you and the one you love with all your heart - well let's just say I was (still am) heart-sick over everything.

We've both been under a lot of stress lately and I guess the cracks are finally beginning to show.

Before a certain asshole I know begins rejoicing, I want to say we've more than made up and we are still madly, passionately in love.

Sure there's some residue...we are, I think, trying to be more careful with each other - we both realise how precious our love/relatonship is. In my heart I know this man is what's best for me; I realise how lucky I am to have him as a part of my life and I still rejoice that he loves me, wants me, wants to marry me...

I know that I am not the easiest woman in the world to deal with - I've described myself using the Stevie Nicks lyrics: 'I have never ever been a blue, calm sea...I have always been a storm.' It's true. I am stormy, and weathering me at times can be draining and difficult. I am not trying to apologise for my very nature for I can't - I am that I am - I am just hoping (hopeful) that the wonderful man in my life feels I am worth the bother.

Gifts of Birthdays Past

This weekend was very nice.

Friday night, Erin and I took the kids to the Palace Theatre downtown to see ‘The Jerk’ – the movie was probably not the most appropriate for young children but it was funny. I am not sure how much the kids enjoyed the movie itself, however they did enjoy the cartoons and the atmosphere of being in a beautiful theatre and watching something on the ‘big screen’.

Saturday was the Bela Fleck concert at Cain Park in Cleveland Heights. This is an outdoor venue and we had seats in the amphitheatre. It is a very intimate setting. This concert was a present to Erin for his b-day back in May and Saturdays show was exactly 3 months to the day. I hope he enjoyed the concert. Bela and his group (The Flecktones) were in fine form.

Sunday was my ‘gift redemption’ I took the gift card for the nearby Sap and went to have my hair done and a manicure. I was pampered and the atmosphere was very relaxing. While I was busy at the spa, Erin replaced the downstairs ½ bathroom floor. He worked on this all day. I got back to his place, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, and he took a shower (at one point while he was outside and I was reading my book and drinking a glass of wine, I just welled up with tears looking at him and realizing just how much I love this man). We sat down to dinner (minus Erin’s daughter), and tried to get his son to talk a little about religion (bad idea apparently). A little later in the evening we all went on our bikes to go get some ice cream.

As time goes, on I am reminded of how special this relationship is – and just how lucky I am to have Erin and the children in my life.

Today I came into work to a gift from my co-worker – she actually went out and bought me a garter to wear for my wedding day. This was simply too kind of her – she and I have had our difficulties, but from time to time she surprises me with her actions. I thanked her for her kindness. So now I have something new and blue to wear on my wedding day (LOL – even tho I had not planned on wearing a garter).

Life is forever unfolding and renewing itself before me – as I ponder and muse over all that has been happening and all that is yet to come – the greatest gift of all is that of my life, and the new sense of hope that has carved out a permanent place in my heart.

Weather report...

Cloud cities form above me...

Dense, menacing, heavy – mirroring my mood. There are breaks in the patterns here and there – glimpses of blue skies, blinding white where the sun is being reflected…

I drive under the glowering sky immersed in my thoughts…and I think: I should just keep driving (Goddess that would feel so good)...

Why is it we get to a point in relationships where we can’t talk to one another anymore (the way perhaps we used to at one point)?

Why is it we become afraid of people we’ve known for years?

What happens to all those dynamics? What changes?

Beats the hell out of me; I grow weary though...very easily.

I get told all the time – we teach people how to treat us – for the most part I agree with that assessment – but there are just some people out there who treat everyone like their personal bitch. I know, I work with one of them. I have never told her this is the way to treat me – mainly because after all this time, I am still shocked every time I see a grown woman throw what literally amounts to a tantrum…do I tell her to throw tantrums? Um, No. Do I ask her to act like a spoiled, intolerant, judgmental bitch? Um, no I don’t. Can I fix this? No, not really – she is who she is and at the tender age of like 43, I don’t think she’s going to change anytime soon...

Geez...

Meanwhile I also don’t know how to deal with other aspects in other relationships. I seem to want to retreat. I get fearful, antsy, unsure, doubtful. There are just some things I am never going to be comfortable with/about. Things I feel that will eventually impact the relationship and change how we relate to each other. I lament the loss of the way things were during the ‘discovery phase’ – sometimes I think what happens is that you get to know each other so well that eventually the familiarity of it all truly does breed contempt, or boredom….or just plain forgetting how it was at the beginning and not knowing – or remembering I guess how to connect (reconnect) again with each other...

I’ve been waking in the mornings lately to dreary skies...love this weather. Love being stormy – within and without...I just wish there was some way to reconcile some of these issues...

Weirdness...

...abounds....

Just saying....

Sometimes life surprises you...things come out of left field and causes a shift in perceptions/paradigms shift...

I guess I just never thought some of the old wounds would heal...but lo and behold.

Every now and then I think about what led me to start writing on this blog...the drama, the anger, the fears, the betrayals. I think about whether or not I am still feeding/fanning those flames....

Sometimes, I do, old hurts can take a long time to go away....and don't get me wrong some of what transpired as much as I try - I will never forget and quite possible not completely forgive either....

Like just out of general principles, if I ran into that little tart on the street I probably would slap her - because I think helping to ruin/destroy not one but two families and continuing the pattern that she herself so abhorred makes it rather easy to be angry with/despise her - not that I feel I should waste my energy on such things - but some people are simply put on this earth to cause misery for others...until either they are stopped and/or learn their lessons. Perhaps she has learned - I don't know - my guess is no....but perhaps she has healed herself and perhaps the others whose lives she made hellish have forgiven...who knows...

But to find a space where I can feel at ease, even benevolent towards my ex...like whoa...where the hell did THIS come from?

Again who knows....but yeah it's quite a surprise.

Passion put to use....

The past week has had some situations crop up – sometimes you have things come up in your life that require you to sit up and pay attention.

I have been dealing with neck pain (rather excruciating) and other life-changing events (not necessarily involving me personally) here of late...

Throughout all of these ‘problems’ I have been trying to maintain my equanimity/balance (but then I am always and forever stating that, aren’t I?). It’s hard sometimes. The neck is going to be looked at tomorrow. The other ‘issues’ are out of my control – and that’s what makes it hard, when something going on in your life is out of your control – but in all the metaphysical reading I have done over the years, I find that ultimately, control is an illusion we use to comfort ourselves – to con ourselves into thinking we can manipulate our environs – in the end, the only thing you ultimately control is your reactions to what transpires in your life.

Why am I rambling? Because through all of this – the ups and downs, the uncertainty lately, what has been a constant/steadfast feeling has been my passion. Passion for living my life, passion (especially over the past year) for my love and all the wonders he brings to my life. Every day I that I get to spend with him, I seem to fall more and more in love – it’s a wonder to me – always I am surprised by this (pinching myself again) – you think could I possibly love this person more? The answer in my case is always a resounding yes….

And it ‘s not that there aren’t annoyances, or things that get under my skin – I think all of us have little quirks that get to the ones that love us at time – it’s hard to love someone day in and day out and not have certain aspects of their personality get to you. With Erin and I though it’s because we are so very compatible – we discuss everything. We are in synch, we care about each other. We are friends and we are lovers. I think what is most important is that we treasure each other and we are passionate about each other. We are not pedestrian, we want to remain different, we want to stay engaged with each other – we are truly interested in each other and what we have is rare.

I realise more and more I have never felt this way about anyone else in my life. I’ve never truly adored anyone else – sure I’ve loved – but I’d be willing to do ANYTHING for Erin and I can’t say that about anyone other than my children.

Will things change between us? Of course they will – we are humans – I will not put up with stagnation. I pray things will continue to blossom between the two of us and that our love grows exponentially with each passing year.

1-Year Ago, Yesterday....

I met the man of my dreams. I did not even begin to mention him on this ‘blog’ until the following month.

This weekend we did our best to try to celebrate the past year, finding each other, what we have become to each other.

Friday night was his daughter’s birthday-slumber-party. His ex wife was in attendance. To say I felt uncomfortable, like a 3rd wheel would be an understatement – once again the feeling of not belonging reared its ugly head. She sort of took over in some cases. She and I DO get along – but it’s still very weird dealing with her. Because Erin seems to get antsy he was edgy /snappish at times so it was not fun on my end all the way around until she left for the evening. Then Erin and I had fun with the girls doing a PJ fashion show, and making beaded jewelry until midnight.

The next day we got up and I made chocolate-chip pancakes with whipped cream while Erin made sausage for the girls. They all played until their parents came to pick them up. After that Erin took his kids over to the ex’s and came back bearing a beautiful lily and we went out together to spend time exploring and to enjoy a sort of early celebration of our anniversary.

We went formt he west side of town over to the east side of town – into the Cleveland Heights area where we went to a late showing of the anime movie ‘Paprika’ (intense, dream-like, disturbing and a bit hard to describe (but I will later))…..

We went ‘home’ and made love. We woke up the next morning and exchanged gifts with each other. These were gifts of more symbolic meaning for us – not things like jewelry or watches. I was a bit out of sorts and of course when I am Erin struggles – the problem is that *I* struggle with all of this. With the portent, with knowing if it’s going to work out, with all the responsibility of being a step-mom-like person, with giving up my home, my freedoms (in some ways), with the idea of being a wife again. Yet if I hold in all my fears, my doubts that’s going to end up causing us just as many problems…..

We tried going to mass but did not make it in time – we were *ahem* otherwise occupied after taking a shower together (*blushes*)…..

We had a very nice lunch out in the back yard and had a glass of wine. Afterwards, we went shopping for his daughters b-day gifts. We got home in time for the children to come back, we all had dinner together, we did some work around the house and then Erin and I retired to bed and each other’s arms.

In the end I am becoming a permanent member of this household, of this family – it’s a big adjustment – it is also the underlying joy that helps me get through my day and reminds me of the reasons we fell in love in the first place. We belong together, and to each other…completely.

Today, I believe around 10Am – will be the anniversary of him deciding to call me – we talked for hours – I am so glad he made that phone call.

I love you, Erin. Happy Anniversary my beloved.

5 Love Languages

This was one of the great things that came out of us going to Pre-Cana II - although Erin and I have discussed this before. I was very pleasantly surprised to find out how close/compatible we were in this aspect of our relationship.

I encourage all couples to really check this out - it's amazing stuff.

A love as deep as the ocean

Funny….

I used to think of love as something that operated best based on a scarcity model...

The less you saw of each other – the more you seemed to want each other – although at the beginning you 'seem' to want to be together ALL the time...and yet, for most of us, that’s a really dangerous thing to do.

Dance along the edge...

So most of us don’t have the common sense and/or brains the good Lord gave us to us for such matters of great importance.

We fall in love, everything is shiny and new….we pursue our love with passion and excitement and then, slowly, things seem to fade, the colours aren’t as bright anymore…doldrums begin to set in or we get bored, distracted, antsy...

When I first began this relationship one of the best aspects was that we were ‘careful’ with each other – sure we WANTED to be together but there were some actual/natural barriers to our spending every waking moment together. Mainly our busy lives and being cognizant of E’s kids...

We are still busy in our lives. We still try to be cognizant of each other’s schedules and needs for ‘space’ – we don’t want to be ‘joined at the hip’ nor do I think that will ever be a problem for us...

Yet there is no one I’d rather spend my free time with.

Do I worry about things getting ‘old’ or us getting complacent? Sure, I want to keep the homes fires burning. But either one of us getting complacent? Ain’t gonna happen – not with Erin and I – both of us have had plenty of that in our lives and we won’t just hold on for the sake of holding on...

There is something about this love of ours that does not mirror any other love I have ever experienced – we keep ‘rediscovering’ each other and ‘reconnecting’ and yet still there is more to learn – like the depths of the ocean, I keep finding treasures as I explore.

The List...

A long time ago, I put out a ‘laundry list’ of characteristics I was looking for in a partner. I put it ‘out there’ (well on here) because a friend had told me to ask the ‘universe’ God/dess, providence, the cosmos – whatever for a mate/partner and to be specific about what I wanted.

The universe took it’s time, apparently….

Last night I was talking with Erin – just about ‘stuff and things’ – because of my nature we discuss ‘relationship’ in general – I don’t know why perhaps I am trying to break some secret code, make sure he IS the right person for me (I am sure it’s true with him as well). We touched upon our ‘qualities’ and I was telling him how amazing he is (he is). He in turn told me that perhaps all along what I had been looking for in a partner was ‘myself’.

*blink* *blink*

Um….er….

Hmmmmm

I can’t wrap my mind around that.

So I thought I would write about what I DID want in a mate.

Notably, (and this is going to sound terrible) I was hoping for the absence of what I had in my last disastrous relationship. I just could not bear to be with someone who was selfish, negative, un-stable and on and on….

So barring all that this is what I wanted:

Kindness/Compassion
Intelligence
Spiritual
Creative
Tolerance
Comfortable with their own sexuality/not afraid to try new things sexually/into sex – and somewhat sexy/attractive/chemistry works between us
Honest
Ethical/must have a strong moral code
Trustworthy (see ethical)
Helpful (this one is huge actually)
Selfless
Must love literature, music, art, (yes must love animals too LOL)
Educated (to some extent – I mean not Harvard or anything but well read/rounded) – and willing to CONTINUE to learn/grow AND evolve (again this is huge with me)
Spontaneous
Stable (in their job, their life, their emotional make-up (this is not to say I would not deal with depression – but I could no longer deal with someone who was depressed and refused to help themselves).
Funny/Witty
A little sarcastic
Willingness to be active/get involved in community (and/or politics) – to not be apathetic – or, as Erin puts it their ‘give a damn’ could not be broken
Cultured/Somewhat worldly in the sense of not being ‘white-bread-American’
Somewhat active (NOT a couch potato – I was so fucking sick of TV)
Wants to explore/travel/have adventures
Somewhat liberal/libertarian in their political views (but not rabidly)
A little weird (that’s right I said weird – ordinary is so damned boring)

********

It’s a long friggin’ list….it probably makes me sound very elitist – but I am not – all of these things matter to me in varying degrees and the person did not have to have ALL of the qualities listed above. I tried not to set the bar too ‘high’ but I didn’t feel like ‘settling’ anymore either – I’d rather be alone than trying to change someone or do a ‘make over’ when ultimately we can’t change the people we love to fit into some ‘perceived’ mold/notion of what we need – if they aren’t that way to begin with ‘sistah’ you are SOL.

One of the sweetest things Erin ever told me (one of the highest compliments he has ever paid me) was that not only did I make his ‘short list’, I made his ‘long list’ and he was being completely honest. This kind of shocked me (it still does) – because when I think of myself I don’t think that I am all that special or extraordinary – I feel I am average and that I strive to be a good person/compassionate – but that’s about it – I am not going to make the cover of ‘Time’ magazine (not that that matters all that much to someone like me).

So there you have it ‘the list’. I could probably tweak it a little but it’s pretty thorough and I think I’ve managed to include everything I think is important in a life-partner/spouse.

Talking....

...just to hear the sound of your own voice....

Sounds depressing doesn't it - it is.

The weekend was eh/OK. Went with Erin and the kids to go his mom - all the mother-in-law crap aside, she is a nice person and she loves him and her grandchildren....

I have a lot going on in my mind...

I've been thinking about emotional stuff - things from the past - and those issues that may very well affect my future.

I wonder (a lot).

The introspective subject tonight is 'cheating'.

Having lived on both sides of this issue I can tell you I go through a lot of conflicting feelings.

First off let me say it is NEVER OK in my book to cheat - I don't care how fucking bad it gets - go away if you have to do that - grow some balls and get honest.

But I have some questions to put to you all - up to you to give me your 2 pennies worth.

Is it EVER OK to cheat?


Once you have cheated, should you come clean or just hope that it goes away (this is supposing you have ended your affair)?

Once you do come clean (if you do) what should be the response of the injured party?

Do you feel people deserve to be cheated on?

Once someone cheats will they always be that way? Can they ever change? Should they be given a second chance?

Do certain behaviours lead to or are certain personalities prone to cheating?

How do you ever learn to trust again?


********

This is a very painful topic for me in very many ways. I have mixed feelings about my own experiences and you all can read back into my 'history' if you wish - there are always two sides to every story.

I get personally alarmed when I hear people justify their affairs - I am sure to some extent, those who cheat do this - perhaps it's out of guilt, perhaps it's a way to let themselves 'off the hook' - forgiveness is key not just for the cheated on but for the cheater - it's just knowing when that forgiveness is warranted (I believe in order to heal from ANY wrong you have no choice but to forgive the perpetrator, otherwise, you end up being a prisoner of the crime) - and knowing whether to move on with that person or not as the case may be.

Sometimes, I just wish I could turn my mind off....

Keeping the fires stoked

(Per my previous post - some advice)

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The Triple A's of a Great Relationship


Couples can lose the spark for every reason under the sun. They get too busy with work or kids. They forget the little things, like kisses and small thank you's. Most relationship splits don't come down to a dramatic, life-shattering problem. Rather, it's the gradual slip of each partner's behavior that does it.
I've got an easy formula that will put some life back into any lukewarm relationship. I call it The Three A's of Relationship Rescue:

The first ‘A' is for Appreciation. Both sexes benefit from getting back to the sweet adoration of early love. In those days it was effortless. You rocked each other's world without even trying to. Every gesture was met with the simplest of relationship life-preservers: gratitude. Ultimately, showing appreciation makes the other person feel seen and heard. You feel like you matter. In the workaday of chores, errands, bills and whose turn it is to take the dog out, appreciation can go right out the window. You're both so busy that you start to take what the other person is doing for granted. Take a step back and say ‘thank-you' more than you might. Think of something everyday that your partner did and thank him or her for it-even on the bad days! It will help you weather the storms of love.


The second ‘A' is for Attention. This one is more for the guys. Remember how much you used to court your partner in the beginning? Every date was an event. Every absence a tragedy. It helps to bring back some of that urgency and romance to what's going on now. If you haven't brought home flowers for no particular reason since the last Leap Year, please head directly to the florist. If you never call just to say I love you, pick up the phone. Women want to feel cared for and loved and cherished-and not just when you're trying to get sex or make something up to her. Little gestures of seduction, with no expectations, will go a long way towards reigniting her attraction to you. Why not plan to do something nice every week? The more a woman feels that her partner is tuning into her emotionally, by helping with the kids or the house or doing something sweet, the more apt she is to be sexual. Need any more reasons?


The last ‘A' is for Appearance. Ladies, do you remember how much effort you put into your looks at the beginning of your relationship? I'll bet that a day at the ballgame got more effort than your anniversary does these days! Men are visual creatures. Your hair, your body, your appearance is what caught his interest in the first place. As I like to say, if you've let yourself go, your partner may still love you, but he's not going to lust you. And sorry, but kids and cooking dinner and all of that other stuff is not an excuse for looking disheveled on a regular basis. Your appearance needs to once again become a priority! In fact, when you keep yourself looking good on a daily basis, it becomes a habit. Don't reserve looking nice for a special occasion. It sends the message that you only care in a way that's strategic, designed to appease him rather than prioritize a fundamental part of his attraction to you. It will also make you feel better about yourself to stop making excuses. Eat right, put on a little mascara and lip gloss, and shave your legs more than once a week!

And men don't get off the hook here. While the visual is not quite as important to women, generally speaking, no one wants a slovenly partner. Beer guts, untended nose hair, and clothing from the mid-90s are serious offenses! If you expect her to look good, please do the same.

Ultimately, a healthy relationship is what's going to drive your passion for each other, which is what's going to rev the engine of a healthy relationship!