Suddenly it just hits you...
...like a hurricane....
Thoughts, mumbly-pegs, fragments of consciousness..streaming in and out...
********
I am tyring to detox my body (unsuccessfully I might add)...and sometimes I think that your body just doesn't WANT to listen...sometimes your body has a mind of it's own (LOL no pun intended)...like how can I be a writer, calling myself by the nom de plume, Colette, and NOT have a chocolate croissant and coffee with a hint of cinnamon for my breakfast (shit if i was living in Paris, I'd have a cigarette too...)...
And, it's not that I think my body is betraying me...perhaps my body feels it NEEDS this stuff (no, I am not trying to 'lie' to myself...)sometimes I think we have a tendency to go overboard with change - we don't take it slowly so it will last...we just rush in and want to throw out babies with bathwater...
*******
My compassion is cutting me like a razor-sharp knife. I see people suffering and I just want to cry - like one of our dear friends (and part of the problem is that he looks so much like my son - but the other part is that I have been where he is right now on an oh-so-intimate level that my heart is literally breaking for him and I just want to hold him and comfort him (like a mom would) and tell him it will all be OK...but in all honesty I don't know that it will)...
Like the woman as I was walking from the bus-stop to work this morning in her wheel chair and I can tell she is homeless and mentally ill and she is calling out to the passersby (who are mainly ignoring her) - to get moving before it storms...and I want to find her shelter and help her...
These things leave me shattered, hurting, aching because I feel I should be doing something about it (like yesterday when I gave a woman $5 cause she told me she needed bus fare - but in all reality probably didn't)....
********
When I boot up my lap-top every morning at work, the first thing that greets me is the picture of Erin and I kissing as husband and wife for the first time...I spent most of this morning relating our love story to one of our co-workers and I think about our 'story' and suddenly the struggles we've been having seem so far away.
They say that the first year of marriage is one of the hardest and I agree - not because you don't love one another but because you are trying to adjust, to find that ever-elusive balance with one another. You go from being madly, passionately in love to the 'business' of householding (not that we are not madly in love). I often point out that life has a nasty way of intruding. Between truly stressful job situations, (which I think is frankly killing both of us and not leaving us the ability to be light-hearted and fun these days..I am worried about him and it shows) and just the day-to-day mundane crap - sometimes things get lost...
So, when I get to recount how we met, fell in love, and our journey from that point, it warms my heart and reminds me why we got married and why it's all so important and just how much I really love my husband.
********
Life, is such a jumble sometimes...and no matter how much we want to tame it, control it, bend it to our whims...things just don't work that way...sometimes you just have to let go and yes, let God/Dess...
Thoughts, mumbly-pegs, fragments of consciousness..streaming in and out...
********
I am tyring to detox my body (unsuccessfully I might add)...and sometimes I think that your body just doesn't WANT to listen...sometimes your body has a mind of it's own (LOL no pun intended)...like how can I be a writer, calling myself by the nom de plume, Colette, and NOT have a chocolate croissant and coffee with a hint of cinnamon for my breakfast (shit if i was living in Paris, I'd have a cigarette too...)...
And, it's not that I think my body is betraying me...perhaps my body feels it NEEDS this stuff (no, I am not trying to 'lie' to myself...)sometimes I think we have a tendency to go overboard with change - we don't take it slowly so it will last...we just rush in and want to throw out babies with bathwater...
*******
My compassion is cutting me like a razor-sharp knife. I see people suffering and I just want to cry - like one of our dear friends (and part of the problem is that he looks so much like my son - but the other part is that I have been where he is right now on an oh-so-intimate level that my heart is literally breaking for him and I just want to hold him and comfort him (like a mom would) and tell him it will all be OK...but in all honesty I don't know that it will)...
Like the woman as I was walking from the bus-stop to work this morning in her wheel chair and I can tell she is homeless and mentally ill and she is calling out to the passersby (who are mainly ignoring her) - to get moving before it storms...and I want to find her shelter and help her...
These things leave me shattered, hurting, aching because I feel I should be doing something about it (like yesterday when I gave a woman $5 cause she told me she needed bus fare - but in all reality probably didn't)....
********
When I boot up my lap-top every morning at work, the first thing that greets me is the picture of Erin and I kissing as husband and wife for the first time...I spent most of this morning relating our love story to one of our co-workers and I think about our 'story' and suddenly the struggles we've been having seem so far away.
They say that the first year of marriage is one of the hardest and I agree - not because you don't love one another but because you are trying to adjust, to find that ever-elusive balance with one another. You go from being madly, passionately in love to the 'business' of householding (not that we are not madly in love). I often point out that life has a nasty way of intruding. Between truly stressful job situations, (which I think is frankly killing both of us and not leaving us the ability to be light-hearted and fun these days..I am worried about him and it shows) and just the day-to-day mundane crap - sometimes things get lost...
So, when I get to recount how we met, fell in love, and our journey from that point, it warms my heart and reminds me why we got married and why it's all so important and just how much I really love my husband.
********
Life, is such a jumble sometimes...and no matter how much we want to tame it, control it, bend it to our whims...things just don't work that way...sometimes you just have to let go and yes, let God/Dess...
Labels: Life. Love
posted by Colette at 7:13 AM
1 Comments:
Your compassion is something about that I was drawn to early on. Perhaps we should find an outlet for that compassion - maybe teaching yoga again will help as well. The kids and I love you and are grateful for all the compassion that shower on us.
I hope that I/we return as much as you give. I am always here for you and your family M'Love.
As for recounting our story, I do it it on a regular basis. Telling the story to new people that I meet is my favorite way to recount. Otherwise there are things that constantly remind me of our meeting and our journey. Simple everyday things, sometimes things not even directly related, but as my mind wanders the path of tangents frequently take me back.
I love you,
Sir Erin,
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