Passages
...it's been a long time since I've been up writing at almost 2AM.
Can't sleep. Lots of reasons.
Erin hasn't been sleeping and I am kind of worried. Things ebb and flow...like our marriage...like all relationships...sometimes I don't know what the fuck I am doing (LOL just sometimes Colette?)
...anyhow the reason why I have been thinking a lot about death is because I was staring down the barrel of some pretty worrisome health issues that are apparently not an issue - I still need to look into why I am feeling like crap a lot but I have at least some stuff ruled out so far....
My cat Penny has gotten really ill and apparently is having kidney/bladder issues - I was thinking again 'here comes death' - like Peter Cottontail only different - but instead the vets merely soaked us for $600 fucking dollars and told us she needs to be on a 'special' diet - OK fine - but she still is not quite right and I am not sure how long we wait to see if this 'diet' works....goddamned vets don't seem to know shit or if they do, they ain't talking....
So here I am wigging out over things and they seem to pass, and I know I am a worry wart but still it's like I keep getting 'tested' - I want to be able to shrug it off but every time I get caught up in the 'drama' - it's nuts...
********
I've been attending a lecture series on the play about and the 'history' of Judas Iscariot - fascinating shit. Seriously. Raises some really scary and disturbing questions - and I become unsure (again)...
I enter the city to go to these lectures and there's a smell there - a rawness, the sense of decay/atrophy - which only heightens my 'death awareness' and reminds me of my own mortality and makes me wonder, ponder....
What am I doing? Not just here but what the hell am I doing? There are so many things I want to do - mainly go back to school - but how the hell do I do that now?
My son was dealt a blow with the demise of his band - I want to help him - but how?
I miss my daughter and want her to be happy...want to help her too.
My step-daughter (I guess I am a step-mom now) told me she wished she had her old life back and wished her parents were still married - I felt like someone kicked me in the gut (or the balls not sure) - and yet I know exactly how she feels and can totally empathize - I held her as she cried and tried not to cry myself.
I mean this life...WTF? It's like I am chasing something always out of reach...a better life, a better relationship, a better anything - but it's like chasing a ghost and part of me, in light of again certain circumstances etc., thinks 'Why bother?' Not in a bad way mind you - just a more realistic/resigned sort of way - like - it is what it is - what it will be - just stop now...
(*sighs*) Not what I meant to write - I mean my words sometimes don't even obey ME anymore - like those elusive dreams they hide from me and I sound so lame, so 'grasping'....but I can't seem to put it on paper - or when I have it and it's like fucking brilliant, I can't write it down at that moment...I know I need to try...sometimes...and sometimes I am just to bloody tired to bother trying...
I need something...but what? And why? And do we stop ever asking these questions? Will the answers only come as were breathing our last and suddenly everything that was ever hidden becomes crystal clear?
Can't sleep. Lots of reasons.
Erin hasn't been sleeping and I am kind of worried. Things ebb and flow...like our marriage...like all relationships...sometimes I don't know what the fuck I am doing (LOL just sometimes Colette?)
...anyhow the reason why I have been thinking a lot about death is because I was staring down the barrel of some pretty worrisome health issues that are apparently not an issue - I still need to look into why I am feeling like crap a lot but I have at least some stuff ruled out so far....
My cat Penny has gotten really ill and apparently is having kidney/bladder issues - I was thinking again 'here comes death' - like Peter Cottontail only different - but instead the vets merely soaked us for $600 fucking dollars and told us she needs to be on a 'special' diet - OK fine - but she still is not quite right and I am not sure how long we wait to see if this 'diet' works....goddamned vets don't seem to know shit or if they do, they ain't talking....
So here I am wigging out over things and they seem to pass, and I know I am a worry wart but still it's like I keep getting 'tested' - I want to be able to shrug it off but every time I get caught up in the 'drama' - it's nuts...
********
I've been attending a lecture series on the play about and the 'history' of Judas Iscariot - fascinating shit. Seriously. Raises some really scary and disturbing questions - and I become unsure (again)...
I enter the city to go to these lectures and there's a smell there - a rawness, the sense of decay/atrophy - which only heightens my 'death awareness' and reminds me of my own mortality and makes me wonder, ponder....
What am I doing? Not just here but what the hell am I doing? There are so many things I want to do - mainly go back to school - but how the hell do I do that now?
My son was dealt a blow with the demise of his band - I want to help him - but how?
I miss my daughter and want her to be happy...want to help her too.
My step-daughter (I guess I am a step-mom now) told me she wished she had her old life back and wished her parents were still married - I felt like someone kicked me in the gut (or the balls not sure) - and yet I know exactly how she feels and can totally empathize - I held her as she cried and tried not to cry myself.
I mean this life...WTF? It's like I am chasing something always out of reach...a better life, a better relationship, a better anything - but it's like chasing a ghost and part of me, in light of again certain circumstances etc., thinks 'Why bother?' Not in a bad way mind you - just a more realistic/resigned sort of way - like - it is what it is - what it will be - just stop now...
(*sighs*) Not what I meant to write - I mean my words sometimes don't even obey ME anymore - like those elusive dreams they hide from me and I sound so lame, so 'grasping'....but I can't seem to put it on paper - or when I have it and it's like fucking brilliant, I can't write it down at that moment...I know I need to try...sometimes...and sometimes I am just to bloody tired to bother trying...
I need something...but what? And why? And do we stop ever asking these questions? Will the answers only come as were breathing our last and suddenly everything that was ever hidden becomes crystal clear?
Labels: Life, Observations
posted by Colette at 12:44 AM
2 Comments:
Life always is like that. You think you've got things well in hand, and then it all goes to crap.
I've been struggling with this myself lately, it feels like my whole life's happiness is so close I can almost taste it, but it's not quite there yet.
Still maybe it's the struggles that help us define who we are and what we're made of. If life was that easy what would be the point?
I think I haven't been sleeping well because my body is under utilized. I'm trying to loose weight, starting with eating less, but I'm not exercising yet. My gut feel is that muscle is being replaced by fat, and my overall weight is staying the same. I need more exercise.
I need more sunlight too. I'm also starting to feel the brunt of not being in the sun. I've always had an office window, or at least some sort of sunlight pouring in to my work space.
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