Reflections - About Mom
It has been 35 years since my mother passed away. As I wrote about her (in the link I've provided above), she died in front of me. There was nothing I could do to save her. I was 15 years old.
I said some pretty profound things in that post. I am not sure if I honored her memory or was just trying to 'work some things out'.
I miss her. I miss her more than there are words to explain away the pain that lingers. A wound that seems open afresh every time another anniversary of her birthday, her wedding day, her death, or some huge thing happens in my life that makes me either think of her or wish she was here to hold me.
I do wonder if my life would have been different, and I believe in my heart that it would have been, had she lived. I think my entire family's life would have been different. As they say, there is no use crying over spilled milk, or blood, or the prana (life force/energy) that courses through us.
Despite the passing of years, I still remember her. There is still a connection somewhere and even though it's been clouded over with time's passage, my yearning, my loss still has a life. If I could see her now, what would I do? What would I say?
I guess after we got past the initial stuff, I'd probably listen to her better. I made some pretty awful decisions that still impact me today - so I'd swallow my pride, my sense of 'righteousness' and I'd shut up and listen. Although at times, I am not sure she'd even want to talk to me.
I always wanted to be a 'better mom' - I always swore up and down I'd never do the things she did and yet....maybe I should have.
Do we try to fall far from the tree that is our parents legacy to us and to future generations? What are we proving? That we somehow know better? I can tell you that I long for her to guide me, even though I am 50 years old now. I can tell you that I fear my own passing, like a clock ticking away that I can't stop, and leaving things behind, and undone.
I want to honor my mother's memory by being a good person, a good wife, a good mother. I don't always know if I am succeeding at any of that. And I wonder if she struggled with the same things....or if she was somehow more self-assured.
My mother was selfless, she was good, she was kind, she was loving. She was also exasperated, tired, and overworked/overwhelmed. I hope that she enjoyed her time on this earth. I'd like to think that the fact that she married and had kids so late in life afforded her some 'fun'. Ultimately, I am glad she was my mom and I guess too, I am glad that I miss her because I think there are too many people out there who take their parents for granted.
Thank you mom, for all the gifts you've bestowed upon me, even the ones I didn't particularly want. I hope that someday, I will get to see you again and make up for all the time we've lost. I do not wish to live in regret of the shadow of your loss, I just want to honor you the way I should have when you were here. I love you.
I said some pretty profound things in that post. I am not sure if I honored her memory or was just trying to 'work some things out'.
I miss her. I miss her more than there are words to explain away the pain that lingers. A wound that seems open afresh every time another anniversary of her birthday, her wedding day, her death, or some huge thing happens in my life that makes me either think of her or wish she was here to hold me.
I do wonder if my life would have been different, and I believe in my heart that it would have been, had she lived. I think my entire family's life would have been different. As they say, there is no use crying over spilled milk, or blood, or the prana (life force/energy) that courses through us.
Despite the passing of years, I still remember her. There is still a connection somewhere and even though it's been clouded over with time's passage, my yearning, my loss still has a life. If I could see her now, what would I do? What would I say?
I guess after we got past the initial stuff, I'd probably listen to her better. I made some pretty awful decisions that still impact me today - so I'd swallow my pride, my sense of 'righteousness' and I'd shut up and listen. Although at times, I am not sure she'd even want to talk to me.
I always wanted to be a 'better mom' - I always swore up and down I'd never do the things she did and yet....maybe I should have.
Do we try to fall far from the tree that is our parents legacy to us and to future generations? What are we proving? That we somehow know better? I can tell you that I long for her to guide me, even though I am 50 years old now. I can tell you that I fear my own passing, like a clock ticking away that I can't stop, and leaving things behind, and undone.
I want to honor my mother's memory by being a good person, a good wife, a good mother. I don't always know if I am succeeding at any of that. And I wonder if she struggled with the same things....or if she was somehow more self-assured.
My mother was selfless, she was good, she was kind, she was loving. She was also exasperated, tired, and overworked/overwhelmed. I hope that she enjoyed her time on this earth. I'd like to think that the fact that she married and had kids so late in life afforded her some 'fun'. Ultimately, I am glad she was my mom and I guess too, I am glad that I miss her because I think there are too many people out there who take their parents for granted.
Thank you mom, for all the gifts you've bestowed upon me, even the ones I didn't particularly want. I hope that someday, I will get to see you again and make up for all the time we've lost. I do not wish to live in regret of the shadow of your loss, I just want to honor you the way I should have when you were here. I love you.
Labels: My mom
posted by Colette at 3:02 PM
2 Comments:
I may not have a firm grasp of any specific religious concepts, but I truly believe we get to see our loved ones again after we leave this Earth. So once we both get to "the other side" I am sure our mothers will be waitng there for us and there will be rejoicing and much catching up to do.
You're life would have been very different, but that doesn't mean that it would have been a better life - it would have just been different. You can try playing the what-if game, but that is the devil's playground and it will drive you mad.
If you could see her now, what would you do? What would you say? You list a couple things, but these are things you can still do. You're mom not be physically present, but she is still present in your heart. You can still do right by whatever compass you are looking for through your mom.
For what it's worth, I think you are a good person. I do however, without a doubt, know you are also a good wife, and I hope and pray you will continue to be my wife, till death do us part. I have no plans or inkling to ever leave myself. It is a choice and I stubborn about some things. This is one sf them.
I love you.
~E
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