God Grant Me...

(…you know I just want to shout SERENITY NOW!!!)….

It’s not an absolute, it’s something I have to work on, and it is something I struggle with….constantly.

I am not sure which is harder, losing your child outright to death, or losing them to something else.  I think it is worse to deal with the latter – only because they are still here.  There is no finality…just a dragging on and on of the situation.

I am not here to make excuses or to whine – as I am sure that there is no sense in doing either.  I do sometimes feel that there is a conspiracy going on and all that goes with that…the bad luck, the in the wrong place at the wrong time thing.  I find it hard not to fall down the well of despair.  So I keep myself busy trying to ‘rectify’ the situation as fruitless an effort as that may be.

Last night, I was with my husband in the store and there were two little boys with their parents – so very excited about their Batman purchase – and my heart just ached.  I remember those days….I want and long to revisit like some long-lost fairy tale land where everything is ‘just right’ and the porridge isn’t poison in disguise.

All I can really do – all I am convinced, I could ever really do – is pray.  Pray and try not to cling to the idea of hope so that it becomes that mirage in an endless desert and I never really get there…I just keep trying. 

Maybe this time God will listen, maybe this time, God will be kind and understand that suffering does not have to be part of the picture on a daily basis.  I have no insider trading information that is going to help me with this.  No favors to call in.  No help-line to dial.  Nothing but being scrappy and cunning while at the same time trying to live in the normal world without being so distracted that people begin to understand that yes, I never was all that sane to begin with.  As I slip more firmly into that darker part of my mind, I have to remember that there is a tunnel somewhere, leading to the light…or at the very least, a flashlight.  Hopefully I remembered the batteries.