More reflections - a repost
1/30/2014 - I need to get some rest...but I am of course, wasting time. I look out over this blog, like it is land I used to own, wondering what I can reclaim. Bear with me, I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride....(note, some of these re-posts may be edited from the originals for personal reasons)....
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I sit here in the early morning hours of the New Year - 2005 - the house surrounds me, settles around me and it's so quiet now (aside from the occasionally 'meeping' of my cat Penelope - Penelope is the only cat I know that meows in her sleep) - no loud revelers stumbling home from being drunk to disturb my time. I am thinking back over this past year, this past couple of days, this past couple of weeks and months. Trying to 'think' forward, it's like walking in the dark - the way I would imagine a blind person would be having to navigate in an unfamiliar room.
To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."
*************************************************************
Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.
I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.
*******************************************************************
My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.
*************************************************************
My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.
*********************************************************************
I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.
**************************************************************
The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.
We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.
****************************************************************
The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???
I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.
And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.
Tick, tick, tick...
*******************************************************************
Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.
************************
I sit here in the early morning hours of the New Year - 2005 - the house surrounds me, settles around me and it's so quiet now (aside from the occasionally 'meeping' of my cat Penelope - Penelope is the only cat I know that meows in her sleep) - no loud revelers stumbling home from being drunk to disturb my time. I am thinking back over this past year, this past couple of days, this past couple of weeks and months. Trying to 'think' forward, it's like walking in the dark - the way I would imagine a blind person would be having to navigate in an unfamiliar room.
To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."
*************************************************************
Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.
I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.
*******************************************************************
My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.
*************************************************************
My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.
*********************************************************************
I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.
**************************************************************
The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.
We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.
****************************************************************
The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???
I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.
And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.
Tick, tick, tick...
*******************************************************************
Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.
Labels: Life, Reflections, reposts
posted by Colette at 9:04 AM
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