More reflections - a repost

1/30/2014 - I need to get some rest...but I am of course, wasting time.  I look out over this blog, like it is land I used to own, wondering what I can reclaim.  Bear with me, I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride....(note, some of these re-posts may be edited from the originals for personal reasons)....

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I sit here in the early morning hours of the New Year - 2005 - the house surrounds me, settles around me and it's so quiet now (aside from the occasionally 'meeping' of my cat Penelope - Penelope is the only cat I know that meows in her sleep) - no loud revelers stumbling home from being drunk to disturb my time. I am thinking back over this past year, this past couple of days, this past couple of weeks and months. Trying to 'think' forward, it's like walking in the dark - the way I would imagine a blind person would be having to navigate in an unfamiliar room.

To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."

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Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.

I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.

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My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.

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My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.

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I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.

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The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.

We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.

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The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???

I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.

And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.

Tick, tick, tick...

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Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year everyone.

I hope your holidays were pleasant.

Mine were just that. There were things that could have been better...of course they could have always been worse too. Frankly, with the exception of having Erin home daily, I am just glad it's all over.

As I look back on year 2010 with 'retrospective eyes', it's colored with disappointment and worries. I kept thinking well maybe it's just me, but then I know a lot of people had a shitty year. Towards the end I decided to ramp up working out and eating better - this all helped....but I have to say that ultimately what has gotten me through has been the love of a good man, friends who care and the addition of our new kittens. (As I (try to) type this 'snuggle beast' (a.k.a. Ralphie) is trying to shove his entire face up my nose and is being non-stop, aggressively affectionate.)

I have to admit that it's been nice being home, hanging out, discovering new movies, music, books, interviewing in my pajamas, watching my step-kids mature....

But as far as other things: A job, MY kids and their 'issues', finances, health etc.....somethings gotta give here...soon. Seriously.

So my hope is for a better year this year for me, for all those I love, for the world.

Oh and to those of your who are 'following' here...there may be a new web address soon...stay tuned.

Listening...

...to Beth Orton 'Devil Song' - some of my music collection has been largely in thanks to my ex...

Listening as well to the quiet in the house and the storm raging in my mind...

I have the house myself for a bit. Ponder, ponder, ponder...write smug sarcastic comments on the shape of politics and mourn my failing body.

Anyhow...

I've been easing into this new life..trying to embrace everything at times without too much trouble - sometimes like I have just skinned my knees...

I long for all the adventure and newness of the love, while at the same time wanting to establish the familiar and have patterns and traditions that I can recognize and be comfy with...but deep down I am not that way...deep down, I crave change, excitement.

I get too fucking restless too easily and I always have and I probably always will. As patterns become familiar...I tend to want to shake things up like so many little plastic pieces in a snow globe....

I am thankful because my husband is wonderful and amazing...(case in point - today he walked in the pouring rain to surprise me by showing up on my doorstep at work - and of course wowed all the women there). I am thankful as well that the kids have 'taken to me' and seem to love me and that's great. But of course I hold my breath, not because I don't welcome the wonderful-ness of all of this but because I want to make sure I am ever cognizant and nurturing...yeah balance - a precarious thing at best.

I wonder about marriage and relationships (as ever - did that really stop for me?). What happens to us? We fall in love and there's the mad rush - the passion - the 'newness'. We court, we impress each other, we make love swinging on the chandelier....and then we 'settle down'. I am not suggesting the magic always fades or goes away...but to some extent, it evolves (or de-evolves)/morphs into something else....something we can't always wrap our minds around and even recognize.

We all know - it's work - pure and simple. We know as well that life intrudes, stressors come into play and before you know it, you are snapping at each other, going to bed in flannel PJs, and becoming couch potatoes - or worse apathetic.

What I love about what I have going on is even when those things DO happen (we don't have the flannel thing or the couch potato thing going on) - we talk, we re-connect, we try. That alone I think is going to be the saving grace of this marriage.

That is not to say I don't still long for the days of yore (or something kinky and new every once in a while)...the difference is that I know deep down this marriage is worth working at and keeping fresh.

So for those of you out there rooting for us - or love in general - thanks.

For those of you out there hoping for disintegration and failure (and you know who you are Mr. Ken Y~ (for one - and could you stay off the blog for the last time? Do you actually HAVE a life?) - kiss my fucking ass and go buy yourself a life (or something resembling one) or a prostitute whichever you can easily afford.

Resonance and Dischord

Wrestling with demons in the form of angels....

I don't want to reflect on what I did or did not get for Christmas (save a couple of items)...

The true gift is that of family, kinship, and love.

One of the gifts that was given me (from you-know-who of course) was a book of essays by Anais Nin. She is an author I've long identified with - this is the reason why her books (most of which I've lost due to a cat that has now passed away - another story) are on my 'wish list'...

Ms. Nin was a woman so in touch with who she was that she dared to do as she pleased - not without regard for consequence - but she remained true to herself...and she carved her niche. She made her choices with a symphony of mind and heart, body and soul - in a mainly male dominated literary world.

In one of her essays, she talks about director Igmar Bergman. She give astonishing insight into the workings of his genius mind and lays bare the essence of desire, personified in his films.

Her writings as well about how she herself lived her life strike a resonant chord within me.

She discusses how difficult it is to embrace fully ALL the 'parts' of ourselves. Not just the 'public' face but the dark 'one', hidden in the recesses that perhaps only those closest - or perhaps no one but our selves ever see - the subterranean depths of our 'other'.

As a woman, I believe at least for me, the struggle - the battle if you will - takes place on many levels.

Women (most of us) are taught from an early age to be good girls, ladies, dutiful wives and mothers, teachers, cooks, house-keepers, keepers of the faith.

Whereas, it would seem that boys are taught to be rougher, forthright, aggressive, strong, confident, conquerors...

I was shy and reticent as a little girl but soon, I grew rebellious, I longed for 'experience' and knowledge. I had a thirst; I wanted to be like the 'boys'. My sexuality charged, I somewhat recognised its power - unfortunately, and all too often, I'd pick the wrong man to lavish this on and my 'power' would be used against me...

Coming into my own took me decades of abusive relationships, failed marriages and broken/splintered families - the human cost its own form of reckoning. Yet I became ME...

Now, I often find myself torn between many 'selves'. The things I think - being observant/a psychological 'voyeur' of human nature - these edicts have a way of making it to my lips and are uttered before I sometimes even realise - hurting the one man I've come to love more than anyone who has come before. I am left feeling awful - but how do I reconcile my true nature with that of the rebel, the sarcastic bitch, the explorer, the modern-day courtesan/taker of lovers - with the 'good wife/mother', kind and lady-like creature that also lives within this mortal coil?

Almost without reason, involuntarily, my other 'side' rails at times to get out! Break Free! And I sense a certain entrapment - yet I fear the letting go - for unleashing the 'other woman' might very well cost me all that I hold dear.

I look within for the key, the clues that might help me to tame my more wayward self - while still keeping the passion that seems to live at the very core of my being alive - a passion that hungers and yearns - it seems to just take on a different aspect...

Can I be fulfilled as a woman with one 'true' love? Will my restless nature be able to settle down now that its uncovered the well-spring of love? Can I brave the true freedom of allowing myself to be possessed by HIM - to truly become as 'one' together?

I want to believe that this love is the culmination of all that I have been working towards that this IS my 'Grail'.

I don't want to permit fear of the unknown, of it 'not working out', the trepidation of my own insecurities and inadequacies to hold me hostage - what's the alternative - Life alone? The quest for another lover who 'gets me'?

Is the key having a lover who embodies all that I need - he's the 'bad boy', the 'white knight', the clandestine lover all rolled into one?

And on HIS end (I can't speak for him) - will he be patient enough, will he allow my 'coltishness, my coquettish ways? Will he be able to conquer his own fears and demons and recognise that I am not perfect - will he be smart enough to not put me on a pedestal, yet still respect me and want to cherish and uplift me? Will he be able to stay true - to not stray? Will he be satisfied and happy and really want to 'settle down'?

There seems to be no shortage of 'thought landmines' in my head.

My heart is full of love. My body aches for him, my arms long to hold him, pull him close to me; my lips hunger for his kisses. I want him with everything that I am and will become. He quenches my spirit in so many ways and I know that even if (Goddess forbid) this relationship crashes and burns, it will still have been the greatest love of my lifetime...