Screams in Space (a repost)

Another post...another 'ghostly visitation' of a life gone by...

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The sunset the other night was just spectacular. A celestial event, the sky soaking up all the colours, orange, red, pink, royal purple all fading away into the pale blueness….eventually blurring and becoming the velvet-winter-night sky

I’ve been feeling so bleh lately, so empty and void. Part of me though feels like I am on the verge of something…big…some self-discovery, waiting just around the corner. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, I just know I am heading that way. Part of me is still ‘back there’ as well, trying to sort things out, make sense of what’s happened and is still happening to me. I think in a way that for the rest of my life I will wonder about these things – I will keep trying to figure it all out. I don’t want to be a prisoner to that.

Over my years of blogging, it has been suggested to just let go, by various people whom I respect. I have to laugh. Especially since I ‘dabble’ in Yogic Arts and I am interested in the Zen/Buddhist path…

LET GO!

Um yeah, ok. I don’t mean to sound this way but it is so hard and I just don’t know why. I have had so much happen to me in my life (and no I am not complaining, or trying to say that ‘my stuff’ is worse than anyone else’s stuff). I mean I have had friends actually comment on my lot in life – like the old song ‘if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all’. *laughs* I have even had one friend at one point in time suggest that we go down into Little Italy to find an old Italian witch who could possibly remove this ‘curse’. Years ago, when I was reading Isaac Bonewit’s book: “Real Magic: An Introductory Treatise on the Basic Principles of Yellow Magic”, one of the things I seem to remember him saying about curses is that they really only work if the person cursed *BELIEVES* they’ve been cursed. I don’t believe I’ve been cursed. I do believe in Karma – and I believe I have a lot to ‘burn off’ apparently.

There are ‘good’ things happening too and together it all forms the patchwork of my life. I guess I just want for the good to outweigh the bad (who doesn’t) – I want the clouds to clear and me to be able to ‘see’ again – but I think in order for that to happen, I have to distance myself, move away from the trees in order to see the forest.

Part of me still wants to ‘run away’; just leave it all behind; become an anonymous person and possibly a hermit. Part of me feels the need to do a lot of work. Unfortunately, all my energy seems to still be going into the ‘figuring out’, the unanswered whys? I am still a slave to HIS sickness, to HIS betrayal, to HIS actions. Only though, because I allow this to have power over me. He does not deserve this power – he never did – no one deserves this power over anyone’s life. But we all do this. For one reason or another, we all fall in love – usually one party falls harder than the other and then, when the other party does not return the love the ‘right’ way, we seem to fall apart. Or perhaps we get stuck in the ‘caring’ or the ‘fixing’ of others – I am prey to all of this and more…and I so desperately need to free myself. However, I don’t have the money or the time to get into intense therapy and frankly I am not sure anything other than time and thinking (because ‘the unexamined life is simply not worth living’) – is ever going to end all of this. Or perhaps I have not learned my lesson yet? *laughs* My Yoga teacher would tell me that I am simply not getting the cosmic joke. I don’t know anymore. But I don’t want to ‘ease into this’ like it’s some old coat I have to put on or a suit of armor and then I become stuck with it for the rest of my life – or eternity – which is how my life feels at times.

Just rambling…putting thoughts out into the universe for obviously no particular reason, to no particular audience – reminds me of the bit about a tree falling in the forest and no one around to hear it fall – does it still make a noise? Can anyone hear *MY* screams in space?