Friday, June 25, 2004

Can't sleep

And my mind is so very crowded with so many things. Worries and niggling doubts that seem to hide themselves rather well by daylight manage to creep into my awareness in the dark of the night.

My son is in the hospital tonight after having had a 3-hour-long surgery to repair an elbow that had been messed up for two years. He's going to be fine but still my mommie 'thing' is on high alert tonight.

I've had so much to write lately and so little time and I don't want to neglect this forum, this diary. This has been part of the glue holding me together for so long now.
Every now and then I just want to collapse and fall apart. Is that OK? I somehow feel I need someone's permission to fall apart. I have been taking care of other people for so long now. Everyone else but me....

Why do we do this? We as women, as mothers? My mom was the same way - she suffered so much for the sake of us kids. It drove her to an early grave - of course as did my dad's infidelity and here I am walking in her same shoes. Oh Rose Marie (mamma) where are you when I need you most? I am not sure if you were here you would even be of any help. You'd probably tell me to lie in the bed I have made. Suck it up. Stay married. It's your upbringing - it's your being that good little Catholic girl - it sucks Mom! (sorry).

I want to rail at the world so much sometimes but I know it will do me no good. I need to be there for myself and one of these days I swear I am going to - but not now - not while my son needs me - and there it is - the tender trap. The role my mother trained me for - by being a co-dependent woman she made me into her own image. I swore I would never grow up to be her and here I am.

I would never ever do anything BUT be there for my kids. Somehow though I have always ended up 'being there' for the men in my life too - too much - a born care-taker. My kids they needed me - the men?? That's sort of questionable. And the confusion comes from not knowing where to draw the line. Just what does for better or for worse, in sickness and in health mean anyway?

All we all doomed to repeat the same mistakes as our mothers? I wonder. There has to be a way to take care of you while you take care of those you love - it's such a hard balancing act.

I guess eventually I will find a relationship where someone for a change might want to take care of me - let me relax for a bit. I guess deep down we are all 'waiting to exhale'.

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