Awash in emotions....again
There is nothing more for me to do here...with us.
I have watched the best and worst come out in both of us for I don't know how long. I have become numb.
I am always dealing with everything. Everything reminds me of what you did with her....everything. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of all of this and, you know what, a counselor isn't going to take that away or ease it - only time will.
You seem to find a need to constantly constantly lie - I don't know why. What counselor is going to teach you something you never learned as a child, not to lie to anyone - unless your life depends on it or you are saving a child from harm and I don't think either applies here.
I have needs too. Like now, I need everyone to leave me alone. Everyone wants a piece of me - but I've nothing left to give to anyone anymore and I don't know if I ever will again.
I don't know why you want to see me - do you want to see me so I can tell you to your face I don't want you in my life anymore? Why do you need that? I don't want to fight - I just want things to end - quietly - the way they began between us. There was no earth moving when I met you, there was nothing more than two people meeting. It was not spectacular - it was not the most important day of my life unless you count harbingers of destruction.
I don't want to put things out into the universe that are mean or angry - but somehow I have done just that - guilty as charged.
When I DO spend time with you all I can think about is what you did - I want to ask you questions so I can try and sort through it all but you 'conveniently' forget the answers - my how safe life must be for you...not having a conscience - what a relief that must be for you. And if we were to go for counseling as you insist we should - what would you say to them? To me? You would not have any answers - you would not be able to 'remember' what you did or why you did it - and then the question becomes how do we get past things if you can't remember them? I mean does that not damn us to keep repeating this same pattern?
I am just not up for this anymore. I'd like to say it was fun while it lasted but other than the times I can count on the fingers of my hands, you weren't all that much fun...you were too busy being 'sick', depressed, angry, hurt, arrogant, indifferent, indignant, a chip on your shoulder, like the world owes you something, and those qualities are all so very telling on a person. I can't remember a time in recent memory where you were truly happy - can you? Even if these attitudes are righteous on your part - why drag them around with you? They are like lodestones around your neck and they certainly don't belong in any relationship.
Because you were constantly acting like this - I had to develop techniques for dealing with it - so I became angry, mean, pushy, bossy, bitchy, not-fun, naggy, confrontational, upset, sad. I apologize for being that way - not just to you - to everyone out there that I hurt with this - I am so sorry.
I don't want to live like that anymore. If I have to be with someone, I want that person to be an agent for bringing out the best in me - I want to bring out the best in them. I don't want it to just be a wish (like you and your occasional 'I want to be a better man for you' where'd you get that line, from Jack Nicholson?) - I want it to be a reality. A marriage of equals not a knock-down, drag-out battle of wills.
Can you understand this? Do you get it yet? I really hope so - because it becomes tiring after a while explaining things - especially to someone who does not hear what I am saying. In the end you never heard what I had to say - I don't think either of us were ever listening to the other - we were too busy trying to avoid that big white elephant.
I have watched the best and worst come out in both of us for I don't know how long. I have become numb.
I am always dealing with everything. Everything reminds me of what you did with her....everything. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of all of this and, you know what, a counselor isn't going to take that away or ease it - only time will.
You seem to find a need to constantly constantly lie - I don't know why. What counselor is going to teach you something you never learned as a child, not to lie to anyone - unless your life depends on it or you are saving a child from harm and I don't think either applies here.
I have needs too. Like now, I need everyone to leave me alone. Everyone wants a piece of me - but I've nothing left to give to anyone anymore and I don't know if I ever will again.
I don't know why you want to see me - do you want to see me so I can tell you to your face I don't want you in my life anymore? Why do you need that? I don't want to fight - I just want things to end - quietly - the way they began between us. There was no earth moving when I met you, there was nothing more than two people meeting. It was not spectacular - it was not the most important day of my life unless you count harbingers of destruction.
I don't want to put things out into the universe that are mean or angry - but somehow I have done just that - guilty as charged.
When I DO spend time with you all I can think about is what you did - I want to ask you questions so I can try and sort through it all but you 'conveniently' forget the answers - my how safe life must be for you...not having a conscience - what a relief that must be for you. And if we were to go for counseling as you insist we should - what would you say to them? To me? You would not have any answers - you would not be able to 'remember' what you did or why you did it - and then the question becomes how do we get past things if you can't remember them? I mean does that not damn us to keep repeating this same pattern?
I am just not up for this anymore. I'd like to say it was fun while it lasted but other than the times I can count on the fingers of my hands, you weren't all that much fun...you were too busy being 'sick', depressed, angry, hurt, arrogant, indifferent, indignant, a chip on your shoulder, like the world owes you something, and those qualities are all so very telling on a person. I can't remember a time in recent memory where you were truly happy - can you? Even if these attitudes are righteous on your part - why drag them around with you? They are like lodestones around your neck and they certainly don't belong in any relationship.
Because you were constantly acting like this - I had to develop techniques for dealing with it - so I became angry, mean, pushy, bossy, bitchy, not-fun, naggy, confrontational, upset, sad. I apologize for being that way - not just to you - to everyone out there that I hurt with this - I am so sorry.
I don't want to live like that anymore. If I have to be with someone, I want that person to be an agent for bringing out the best in me - I want to bring out the best in them. I don't want it to just be a wish (like you and your occasional 'I want to be a better man for you' where'd you get that line, from Jack Nicholson?) - I want it to be a reality. A marriage of equals not a knock-down, drag-out battle of wills.
Can you understand this? Do you get it yet? I really hope so - because it becomes tiring after a while explaining things - especially to someone who does not hear what I am saying. In the end you never heard what I had to say - I don't think either of us were ever listening to the other - we were too busy trying to avoid that big white elephant.
posted by Colette at 6:59 AM
2 Comments:
I wish I had known how much pain and regret he unceremoniously dumped into your life. But time does heal all wounds, tacky as that line is, the better version is time wounds all heels. You still have many people who love and care for you, and who want nothing but the absolute best for you. We are here. Don't hesitate to lean for support on the shoulders offered.
Seems to me, if it wasn't all that great, it's better that it ended... if it hadn't been this event, it would've been something else. Sabotage rarely comes in only one form.
Also seems like this thing blindsided you. You haven't been angry at yourself for "I-shoulda-seen-it-comin" have you? Although this probably "shouldn't have come as a surprise" based on his past behavior, you certainly didn't participate in his big blunder.
I understand you wanting to be left alone. Some people need to talk it out with friends (heck even strangers) while others need time to go quietly inside... to let things settle and to figure it all out on their own. You really need to TAKE that time. It is yours, afterall... and if you don't properly heal NOW, you're gonna mess up the rest of your life.
It's like running on a broken leg... sit down already!
My advice is... don't take anyone's advice :-)
Yeah, there are people to turn to... don't forget that... but work it out the way only you can. Those who really care will give you the space, and the shoulder, when you need it.
Now breathe...
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