'Another Satuday Night...'
'and I ain't got nobody' ...c'mon people sing it with me now!
Yes it's Saturday night and here I am at home, Blogging *sigh*.
I have a LOT going on right now and I am feeling so conflicted, so tense, so out of sorts, it's not even funny.
OK so my Ex is having a hard time - and that's what I am mainly conflicted about. I can't help it. I mean he is on the verge of having SERIOUS problems and I just don't know what to do. Today he got some (hopefully) good news. But the phrase that keeps going around and around in my head is: "Am I not my brother's keeper?" - and I don't know why....I DO know why but I can't explain or justify these feelings.
I have been doing some reading that's been helping me (while I am at my Blog post tonight I need to update the 'What Colette is Reading' on my sidebar). One of the books I've just finished is one of the best ones I've read in a long time that deals with psychotherapy form the standpoint of the Therapist; the 'other side of the couch' if you will. It's called 'Love's Executioner' by Dr. Irvin Yalom. It's amazing - a collection of stories about the therapy he's wworked on over the years with various patients. Really fascinating stuff. In the book, he often talks about toxic relationships and that's definitely what I've got goin' on with my ex - and what WE HAD as well - Goddess, almost from the inception of our relationship. So sick...
One of the most beautiful passages from this book was actually a quote from Flaubert in 'Madame Bovary' :
"Wheras the truth is that fullness of soul can sometimes overflow in utter vapidity of language, for none of us can ever express the exact measure of his needs or his thoughts or his sorrows; and human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars"
Dr. Yalom used this quote to point out that we never really 'know' a person - this was also an echoed sentiment from the book 'The Bride Stripped Bare' (another excellent read), where the author (who remained anonymous), said that we will never know another's 'secret life'. And that's what killed us/our marriage (and I believe what still does) - his secret life. That and me being 'The Fixer' (see the book 'Taming your Gremlin' for your particular Gremlin). So perhaps he could no more help himself from being a womanizing cheat, than I could help myself from being 'The Fixer' or 'Mom'. But you know what...I HAD to let go. I HAD to abandon our 'ship' - because it was killing me, tkaing me down with it. So why, why do I feel so bad. I mean sure I still care. I WILL ALWAYS CARE and you can't possibly know how much that sucks. If only I could just stop....not stop caring - for that would not be me. Just let go..perhaps. I have, to a certain degree, but not enough.
*****
Then's there's the father of my son ( my other 'EX') - *laughs* - geez I might end up like one of the Gabor sisters with 7 friggin' husbands if I am not careful. Last night he was put in the hospital because of atrial fibrillaiton. It can be really dangerous. He's doing OK now - but again my son was with him all night in the emergency room ('cause they could not get in touch with me, because my cell phone was off (I am such an idiot)) - and so it was a harrowing experience for them both. So now I am worried sick about that. But I know it will be OK (Just got a call from him, he'll be released tomorrow). Again with those damned feelings. Finding out my EX was in the hospital. Scared me half to death....all these feelings rushing at me all at once.
I feel so caught. Prey to my heart-strings. Trying to live as compassionately as I can, but trying to stay detached as well. I get so hurt so easily. I bruise so easily (on the outside too ^_^). Sometimes I just want to stop from feeling become numb to it all; not be a 'nice' person anymore. I don't know how the hell to do that. I don't know how to stop caring for people. Shit I still care for a guy that's been dead for almost 17 years. Go figure. The ghosts of these relationships haunt me...still. They won't let me go. They are wolves at the door of my heart and they are hungry. I am tired of feeding them.
Yes it's Saturday night and here I am at home, Blogging *sigh*.
I have a LOT going on right now and I am feeling so conflicted, so tense, so out of sorts, it's not even funny.
OK so my Ex is having a hard time - and that's what I am mainly conflicted about. I can't help it. I mean he is on the verge of having SERIOUS problems and I just don't know what to do. Today he got some (hopefully) good news. But the phrase that keeps going around and around in my head is: "Am I not my brother's keeper?" - and I don't know why....I DO know why but I can't explain or justify these feelings.
I have been doing some reading that's been helping me (while I am at my Blog post tonight I need to update the 'What Colette is Reading' on my sidebar). One of the books I've just finished is one of the best ones I've read in a long time that deals with psychotherapy form the standpoint of the Therapist; the 'other side of the couch' if you will. It's called 'Love's Executioner' by Dr. Irvin Yalom. It's amazing - a collection of stories about the therapy he's wworked on over the years with various patients. Really fascinating stuff. In the book, he often talks about toxic relationships and that's definitely what I've got goin' on with my ex - and what WE HAD as well - Goddess, almost from the inception of our relationship. So sick...
One of the most beautiful passages from this book was actually a quote from Flaubert in 'Madame Bovary' :
"Wheras the truth is that fullness of soul can sometimes overflow in utter vapidity of language, for none of us can ever express the exact measure of his needs or his thoughts or his sorrows; and human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars"
Dr. Yalom used this quote to point out that we never really 'know' a person - this was also an echoed sentiment from the book 'The Bride Stripped Bare' (another excellent read), where the author (who remained anonymous), said that we will never know another's 'secret life'. And that's what killed us/our marriage (and I believe what still does) - his secret life. That and me being 'The Fixer' (see the book 'Taming your Gremlin' for your particular Gremlin). So perhaps he could no more help himself from being a womanizing cheat, than I could help myself from being 'The Fixer' or 'Mom'. But you know what...I HAD to let go. I HAD to abandon our 'ship' - because it was killing me, tkaing me down with it. So why, why do I feel so bad. I mean sure I still care. I WILL ALWAYS CARE and you can't possibly know how much that sucks. If only I could just stop....not stop caring - for that would not be me. Just let go..perhaps. I have, to a certain degree, but not enough.
*****
Then's there's the father of my son ( my other 'EX') - *laughs* - geez I might end up like one of the Gabor sisters with 7 friggin' husbands if I am not careful. Last night he was put in the hospital because of atrial fibrillaiton. It can be really dangerous. He's doing OK now - but again my son was with him all night in the emergency room ('cause they could not get in touch with me, because my cell phone was off (I am such an idiot)) - and so it was a harrowing experience for them both. So now I am worried sick about that. But I know it will be OK (Just got a call from him, he'll be released tomorrow). Again with those damned feelings. Finding out my EX was in the hospital. Scared me half to death....all these feelings rushing at me all at once.
I feel so caught. Prey to my heart-strings. Trying to live as compassionately as I can, but trying to stay detached as well. I get so hurt so easily. I bruise so easily (on the outside too ^_^). Sometimes I just want to stop from feeling become numb to it all; not be a 'nice' person anymore. I don't know how the hell to do that. I don't know how to stop caring for people. Shit I still care for a guy that's been dead for almost 17 years. Go figure. The ghosts of these relationships haunt me...still. They won't let me go. They are wolves at the door of my heart and they are hungry. I am tired of feeding them.
posted by Colette at 7:06 PM
1 Comments:
> If only I could just stop....not stop caring - for that would not be me.
[max] ::warm hug::
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