Becoming Colette

In the days of my youth –

I was an aspiring Goddess – aren’t all young women?

In my life I have traveled down many paths. This led me far and away from what my family had taught me (rammed down my throat). When I was a pre-teen I began a study of ancient mythologies and alternate avenues of worship. This is where I stumbled across Pagan/Wiccan practices. As I studied the lay of the land of this ancient/agriculturally-based way of living I began to form and grow in ways I am sure my Catholic relatives would have rather I not (well let’s just say the devout Italian Catholic side would not have approved). I did not realize that in some ways I was reconnecting to my own roots through the studies of the Celtic mythologies. I studied for a while – briefly really – then put it aside. As I grew and became an older teen and then a young woman I began ‘explore’ other things. Mainly sex, drugs and rock & roll. Again what young woman does not have her moments where she is thrown in with people she should not be with, situations that she really should avoid – but somehow I came out of this stronger, more determined and still hearing the siren song of my souls calling.

I had to move back home – go back to my father’s house after a stint out in the world on my own. It was not a comfortable ‘fit’ but I had no where else, at the time, to go and I was able to somewhat keep my ‘identity’ my father being a wise man and letting me come and go as I pleased. At one point, during this time, there was a man who came back into my life – actually because he had run into my sister one day and asked after me – she in turn gave me his phone number and I of course rang him up. He was a former English teacher at my former high school. He knew me during school because at one point, I took his science fiction class. He was an average teacher, but possessed a great mind. I did not know he was also an accomplished guitarist and very into music. The first time we got together we went to the park to ‘play frisbee’ – yes we played Frisbee for a little while but then we eventually took a break and he began to make romantic overtures towards me. Since I had always been attracted to this man (all the girls in our school were) – I did not deny him or myself this pleasure. It was only a kiss but the kiss carried quite a bit of passion – it was electric.

We went back to his place where I was absolutely amazed by his record collection. He rolled us a joint and we began to talk of many things – all a seeming prelude to starting a ‘relationship’. He asked me at one point if I had ever read any mythologies besides the Greek and Roman taught in school. I told him I had begun to ‘study’ a bit of the Celtic mythologies – he seemed pleased. He then gave me a copy of the Welsh ‘Mabinogion Tetralogy’ by Evangeline Walton – he told me to read it and let him know what I thought.

He then launched into an explanation of his ‘situation’ – it seemed that he was living with his ‘girlfriend’ but that they were trying to sort out whether or not they should get married. He said they had both agreed to let each other ‘date’ so that they could be sure about things. Keep in mind this was the 70s – things like this did happen (things like this happen today as well but most people aren’t up front about it) – I was young and I was a bit naïve but I did not feel I was being lied to or used. He even offered to let me talk to his girlfriend – I knew of her – she also attended our school and she graduated a year ahead of me. I had a feeling they had met back then. I remember her being a gorgeous strawberry-blonde girl. After our talk he got us each a glass of wine and we smoked a bit and I left.

I began reading the Welsh Mythology. I was very caught up in the ‘story’. The books were well done, well researched and yet you felt like you were ‘there’ it was all quite thrilling really. Much the way I would imagine the Harry Potter books today make people feel. (As an aside the Harry Potter books are amazing).

I agreed to see my old English teacher with an understanding. No strings attached. The MINUTE one of us felt like we were falling in love we had to end things. Secondly if he was going to ‘see’ me it had to be exclusive – I did not want to play ‘sloppy thirds’ as it were. We began to date. I began to read the part of the Mabinogion dealing with Rhiannon (the Goddess) and her human lover Pwyll, just as things began to really get intense between us sexually. At one point in our lovemaking he called me Rhiannon. I actually felt like a Goddess-incarnate. I know it sounds ‘crazy’ but somehow it wasn’t. I was flattered and frightened at the same time. Our following time together was even more intense and he told me he was falling in love with me. I called him the next day to say good-bye…

For a while I used the name of Rhiannon on line – it was my name when I was on the IRC. For years I ‘talked’ to others using that identity. I also used it in my magical work. Always identifying with the Welsh/Celtic Goddess that took on a human lover. Like her I felt powerful and somewhat helpless in the face of destiny, like her I knew if I danced to close to the fire I’d get burned.

Sometimes I daydream of writing about her from her perspective. Perhaps one day I will.

Years have passed and there have only been two other times in my life where something of that intensity has happened to me The first was when I really did turn back to my Pagan/Wiccan leanings – we were involved in a ceremony and I was the Priestess of our particular group – the Priest was a good friend who was married to another woman in the group – but the group had decided since he and I had had the most ‘experience’ we should lead. It was early spring; they lived in a wonderful house and had a fireplace outside. We all had had plenty of wine and even some Damiana-root tea – which I think helped to make things a bit headier. At any rate before and during the ceremony – there was definitely a very strong pull between my male counterpart and myself – I felt it, he felt it and I know everyone there felt it as well. This did not set well with his wife and soon afterwards, our group disbanded. I can’t describe the feelings I experienced and some of my fellow Wiccan readers may be able to identify with this. It was powerful and it seemed life changing at the time.

The second time in my life I have felt that powerful as a woman was with my ex. When we were first together – our passion, our love was like a house on fire. There was substance to it – but there was such a strong God/Goddess connection as well – it was hard to ignore. And it’s probably why I was so devastated by what happened – but then I suppose when you go from being a maiden to being a crone that’s bound to happen – LOL – all those old Gods drooling over those maidens – you’d think they’d have learned their lessons by now. *shrugs*

About 5 years ago, I saw my old teacher/lover in Hunan Restaurant on Coventry. (And yes the song that was playing in the back of my mind was Paul Simon’s ‘Still crazy after all these years’, I had gone in to pick up food and he was waiting to be seated. We looked each other right in the eyes. He knew me but didn’t acknowledge me at all – probably because his wife (the woman he did end up marrying was the woman he had been living with at the time) – was sitting there. He had not changed – she had. No longer was she the stunning young woman I remembered. I kind of felt sad. I walked out of the restaurant after paying for my ‘take out’. I think about him now and think about the passion and the intense heat of sexual power and being Rhiannon and becoming Colette…it seems only the names have changed. But there’s no innocence involved. There’s a wisdom born of life, of love, and of dancing near the fire.