Sunday, March 27, 2005

What makes love...love?

Soundtrack for Romance (Part I)

Wishin' and Hopin' - Ani DiFranco
This Kiss - Faith Hill
You were meant for me - Jewel
Here with me - Dido
Possession - Sarah McLachlan
No matter what - Badfinger
Like lovers do - Heather Nova
Everything I own - Bread
You don't know me - Jann Arden
Always on my mind - Elvis Presley
Fly me to the Moon - Diana Krall
Precious and Few - Climax
Day after Day - Badfinger
Without you - Harry Nilson
The way you look tonight - Tony Bennett

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I have always thought on love. Ever since I was little and knew of love - love between my parents, love of family, love of God (the greatest words in the New Testament to me are St. Paul's words on Love), love that I could imagine exsited between Ken and Barbie in their dream home; the kind of love/marriage that all little girls are taught to dream of (the key word in that phrase being the word DREAM). It's like cotton candy - sweet but no real substance.

But reality has a habit of beating the stuffings out of love. It's wonderful, delirous, breath-taking and then all of a sudden, the 'real world' seeps in and you are left disillusioned, empty, hurt, not quite so sure anymore. You begin, after a while of this self-inflicted torture wondering...

What in the hell am I thinking? Why would I do this to myself again? Knowingly??? And that's wherein lies the rub - allowing myself to be loved. It's not an easy task. It scares the hell out of me. I used to fall so easily - now it's like this tortuous, insurmountable task I face - my own private MT Fuji. A careful excursion, making sure I know where the exits are just in case....

Oh don't get me wrong, I feel I am WORTHY of love (we all are - all of us NEED love) - but what is it EXACTLY that we need? Do we need someone to physically touch us? Do we need someone to be our buddy? Do we need someone who understands us better than anyone else? Is it physical? Is it emotional? Is it spiritual?
What makes love...love? How do we fall - in love? And when we do, after the 'glow', the 'thrill', the 'rush' then what?

There's so many quotes, books, songs - I mean VOLUMES of shit about love - but what of love? Truly, deeply, madly. We all want that, don't we? How many of us would rather have a quiet, subdued, moment of recognition to that of a blaring, gyrating, in-your-face kind of love. Don't answer - just think...

I remember when recently, I was visiting a woman I became close to at work. She had lived a really horrid life. I mean in comparison to what she went through - my story seems like a walk in the park. Now-a-days she is lving her dream life with an incredible man - and no one deserves it more than she does. We were talking about re-entering the dating arena. She told me that she asked the universe to send her the perfect mate (for her). She gave me hints of what to do - but in reality I am totally clueless. I have been with enough 'different' men to know by now it's probably me and not them. In reality, I am sure it's both parties - we are all at fault and 'it takes two to tango' yadda, yadda, yadda - I can tell you in a minute what each of their flaws were - I am just as quick to articulate their 'good points' - but my failings - that's often a different story. I am demanding, I am outspoken, I don't back down easily. I think what has happened is that I had to become ME so early and survive so many different things that my character is somehow written in indelible ink and it makes me a difficult mate to 'deal' with - not lover - for I feel I can be a great lover - but when it comes to the day-to-day shit - that's another country heard from. It's like I want someone to be with but I want my space too...conflicting sides to the same person. It has to be confusing as hell and I wonder if in all the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus bull-shit - we are all guilty of these games and don't even realise.

So ultimately I think, at least for me, love would be learning how to be ordinary with someone. (Just an FYI - in one of the poems I wrote to my ex I told him how I never WANTED to become ORDINARY with him - because the 'romatic' me, the 'wild' and 'wanton' 'Colette' ME feared tediousness) - I am now beginning to realise I need to learn how to just 'be' with someone - let it come, let it breathe, let it grow. It's a daunting task - especially when for the most part the 'Colette' in me has always had passion - wanted the truly, deeply, madly crap. I just never realised how much it cost me in the end.

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And so I will leave you with the words to one of my favourite love songs (I've quoted this before on this blog) - because deep down I am hoping that even though I keep telling myself I MUST learn (or re-learn) how to be ordinary with my lovers and allow for our human-ness to co-exist in peaceful harmony - I don't want to lose the truly, deeply, madly, passion-filled love that (hopefully), is still to come in my life.

******************

Say, my love, I came to you
with best intentions
you laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction
Hey my love do you believe that we
might last a thousand years
or more if not for this?
our flesh and blood it ties
you and me right up
Tie me Down
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
These things we cannot change
Hey, my love, you came to me like
wine comes to this mouth
grown tired of water all the time
you quench my heart and you
quench my mind
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing
two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change
Oh, my love, I came to you
with best intentions
you laid down and gave to me just what
i'm seeking
celebrate we will
because life is short but sweet for certain
we're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue,
things we cannot change...
things we cannot change


Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Album: Crash
Title: Two Step

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