A parting of the ways....

I don’t know what happens to people; you think you know someone.

I’ve written in the past about this person – he is a long-distance friend (?). Well I guess not anymore. He was one of the first bloggers I talked with – and from there it blossomed into – I am not sure what it turned into and perhaps that’s the problem. We never defined it, never put our finger on it.

But I guess somehow I thought we’d always stay in touch. I thought I would always know him. Now there is just silence on the other end. It’s not that I expect anything from him. Hell, I don’t EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE anymore – nope not anymore – it’s too disappointing to be quite frank. You just can’t turn to people anymore and truly count on them. The only person you can count on is yourself. Sad but it’s true. It’s OK that it’s true – I suppose.

So I want to offer up a re-posting of some of what I wrote about this person – as an homage, as a good-bye. I really hope my dear everything in your life is OK – please know that I miss you and you will always hold a special place in my mind.

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Sex with a proper stranger

OK - now that I have your attention (don't you hate stuff like this?).

It's a question that begs to be asked. When we meet that person (and I am not talking about gratuitous sex here - I mean I know it still happens (if you are an idiot!)- but for the most part, the 70s and disco and Club54 that's all over, right?) - when you are dating someone and enough time passes, you are pretty comfortable and there is heat -I mean how well do we really know that person when we decide it's time. Are they not still really a stranger? Is that what makes it so - well hot? Is that what turns couples off to sex with each other, is the familiarity with their partner? And, is that why people have affairs in the first place, to 'spice' things up? Or are they just tired of trying over and over again and getting nowhere with their significant other? Obviously these questions intrigue me as I have been on both ends of the equation. I know when my marriage was ending and I met my current husband and had an affair, that I was pretty fed up (no excuse, though), I was at wits end and I had tried everything to get my husband to go get help with me...it did not work. You get tired of being alone. I don't think that was the case with my current situation - and some of you know the situation and can attest to what was going on - I know he has his 'side' but he did not try with me not at all because I would have saved this marriage. Enough of this prattle....

There is a man out there - I won't mention any names - I doubt if he, when or if he reads this, would know who he is - heck I doubt he would read this. I don't really know him all that well. There are people that I have 'met' through this blog. Suffice it to say that he has befriended me through all of this. We have never met, we probably never will. There is something there - a friendship but more than that. Perhaps it's because I feel close to him, perhaps it's because I have bared my soul and he has stood by me and given me comfort and not looked away (a lot of you have been there for me through this as well, but not quite like this). This has all happened over the internet - this has all happened since I broke up with my husband. It has been gradual and not rushed, it has been slow and almost a dance in it's very nature. He has lived through the same thing and it's like we speak the same language. In a way, he gives me the insight I need and the courage, to understand, to some extent, what my husband did and why.

I am not excusing affairs - anyone reading this please know that they hurt people - lot's of people - not just your spouses. I would never do this to anyone else's marriage. But I DO understand why it happens. On an adult level there is just sometimes, someone out there who 'gets you' better than anyone else.

It's like those romances that were sparked merely by a correspondence with another human being - in the days when writing letters was still a fashionable thing to do - oh how I mourn the passing of the written letter - it's an art form.

Or perhaps it's like the Edith Wharton story 'The Age of Innocence' you knew those character's felt that heat but they dare not act upon it - with the exception of a man bending his lips to touch them to a woman's pale wrist, half-hidden by a white glove...or perhaps one brief but passionate embrace (not even tainted by a kiss) and then no more...because it just wasn't proper back then.

Sometimes perhaps the worst affair, the most scorching love, isn't borne out of physical passion, it's emotional -it's a closeness that can't be defined by physicality, it's something much, much more. It's why I feel so betrayed - because he ultimately was closer to her than he was to his own wife. Probably she 'got him' better than I did...

To these types of relationships I want to leave you with the words of a song that I think of when I think of that kind of passion. (I know a lot of people think it's 'cheating' to list lyrics of songs). Sometimes song lyrics, like poems, are just so apropro...and this one, although the artist may have been thinking something totally different, and, although it does talk about being physical, seems to me to describe that kind of feeling, that longing, that nearness - so close that you are almost one with that person. Even if it is just a very close friendship.


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Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time
the night is my companion,
and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

Artist: Sarah McLachlan
Album: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Title: Possession