The Silence is Deafening....

“Remain quiet.
Discover the harmony in your own being.
Embrace it.

If you can do this, you will gain everything.
And the world will become healthy again.
If you can’t you will be lost in the shadows forever.”

- Lao Tzu
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I am coming into a new spring. For those of you who live where I live or even in other parts of the States that is still slumbering under a blanket of snow, yes I know it does not seem like spring. But in my heart in my mind spring is just around the corner – it is almost here.

I am discovering new things about myself. That is a re-birth to me – of me. It’s happy.
I am finding that I am a student and I always will be; that as long as I am learning and discovering new things I can be content. I realize that no relationship is ever going to ‘make me’ or change the underlying me-ness of my true self. I am finding that I love teaching and it is truly a gift. And I knew that before but now I have some new students and I am moving into being a ‘private’ teacher and it is opening a whole new world to me. There is a recapture of confidence. I feel strong. I feel like a tigress and unflinching in my resolve.

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Work too has gotten a little better and so that’s a relief. I love my job – I want to continue the work I do. It’s important and it is also cutting edge and I thrive in those types of environments.

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The dating thing is trying to rear its ugly head again. I just don’t know anymore. Because of the realisations I am coming to – it’s hard to think about going backwards. I don’t mean to say that ‘dating’ per se is moving backwards, however, it still just seems like a gauntlet thrown down in front of me and I don’t want to associated these things with challenges, or competitions (even if it’s a competition against myself).

There are a couple of people I’ve been ‘talking’ to but nothing really strikes me…like a thunderbolt. And I can’t seem to get out of the mind-set that that’s what it should be – but I am trying. What I want it to be is the stillness of my soul. Singing a new song – knowing all the words by heart because I was born with this song in my soul. For that I think, it’s going to take a bit of time.

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I want to spill out some anger onto this page as well. Not in this post. Perhaps not at all, once it passes over me, like so many dark clouds. I find that the anger feeds the tigress at times. I sometimes want to hold onto it – thinking it’s a useful tool – only I have to master it – or not….just so hard having all this conflict. Sometimes I want to excise my emotions like it’s a malignancy and just go on emptiness, nothingness. But to quote my favourite songstress from one of my favourite songs….

“I have never been a blue, calm sea….I have always been a storm”