Dreams, fading to reality

I had a dream last nite….about a good friend (or at least I consider him to be a good friend). It was very sexual in nature - very sexual. This is not surprising. I have always been attracted to this guy. There’s just something about him, foreign, he is boyish and yet mature, light and dark combined.

We’d be a disaster – but there’s that attraction, still…a strong attraction (I am pretty sure on both ends).

Don’t know where this is coming from. *Laughs* maybe I just need sex?

*******************

I have been thinking, about relationships – how we all enter into them with our ideals, our perceptions, our demands, perhaps our hidden agendas.

I don’t know what happens. Love is a force to be reckoned with – but yet it is also a function of the biological imperative. It’s a double-edged sword. It really sucks - yet it is what brings us to a higher level, what redeems us, what makes men out of mice…

Like Jack Nicholson’s quote from ‘As good as it gets’ – ‘You make me want to be a better man”.

He said that to me once – I don’t believe him…

*sigh*

So what is it that happens to us in our relationships??? (NOTE: insert recurring theme of blog here). It’s like we fall in love/lust, everything is peachy-keen, we stay that way for a while in that dream-state, then something starts to happen. The toilet seat is left up, the tube is off the tooth-paste and it’s cause for WWIII. Or you expect your mate (husband in my case) to remain somehow sexless – they're not suppose to look at or lust after other women – I mean OK in *MY* case he went way overboard – but still. Is it not the function of a man (biologically) to pro-create and perhaps that’s why we see so many May-December romances? You know the old ball and chain gets dumpy – we aren’t fresh, exciting, sexy anymore and there you have it, they trade us in for a newer model. And it would seem – at least to me - there is nothing you can do about it either. It’s just a natural turn of events – something that’s somehow suppose to happen. So what’s a woman to do? Do we try to ‘beat them to the punch’? Take a younger lover? Leave our husbands for an older man? Become lesbians? What?

I can find that stillness within myself that makes all of this all so trivial, so much dreck. It does not completely take away the pain of betrayal. But it’s a comfort knowing that I know ME and nobody can take me from me. I mean sure my body is going to start to betray me – but it’s only flesh – it’s not my spirit. Yes I’d like to find a companion – it would be nice to have someone to talk to – someone to hold me…but somehow no one is going to be able to convince me that I won’t get hurt again. Stupid of me to want a guarantee – I KNOW there is NO GUARANTEE – but why is it I feel like there is simply no one out there who is going to be worthy of my trust, a good partner, someone who is really going to love *ME* and not stray. I mean I feel so stupid for wanting this. Why can’t I be more progressive, again trying to become Colette (whom I’ve admired since I began writing) – not minding the occasional fling, knowing it somehow has it’s place – but does it? Is the ONLY reason my mind recoils at this idea is because of STDs or worse, AIDS? Or is it something more insidious than that? The ultimate I don’t want to be left holding the bag again?

And of course *HE* is still out there in my universe too, trying to ‘reel’ me back in – what a farce – he used to write when he was cheating on me about how I (he referred to me then as his girl-friend in his on-line journal) – used to reel *HIM* in - well you know what, I am not a fish to be caught, or a prize to be won. There may still be remnants of love/like/familiarity in my heart towards this bastard, but like cob-webs it’s nothing that can’t be swept away with a good spring cleaning (hopefully that will appear in the form of a 'decent' man). ^_^