Lately...
I just haven’t been able to put my finger on it...
I’ve had so much going on – I am so busy and hectic. I am ignoring myself – for instance I really should be working out more (falling and twisting my ankle and banging up both of my knees kind of put the kabash on that for a bit...) – just hectic...
Yet underneath it all lies something I guess I am not accustomed to. JOY. Yes, I said Joy. It’s something I wasn’t quite recognizing – but I can feel it humming underneath everything. Sometimes I can’t even begin to describe it – because it actually brings tears to my eyes. Nonetheless it is there. And it is SANS guy/romance in my life – please some of you don’t take this the wrong way. First of all my happiness should never be dependent on another human being (none of us should find our happiness OUTSIDE of ourselves). I found myself just very happy.
Of course this recent turn of events with my one friend – makes me feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails (just a smidgen)...and I don’t know why.
I’ve been having ongoing talks with a good friend of mine - (when he as going through the breakup of his marriage I was there for him – he also happened to be my boss at the time). He’s been trying to ‘advise’ me on things (love-life wise) – he’s since moved to sunny California and is happily remarried. I often complain about how dating sucks. He tells me not to date people locally – of course I don’t like the idea of doing what he did – but then he was able to afford to fly to Chicago all the time. He tells me to ‘marry’ my Yoga/Work/Education and sleep with everything else. He often tells me to find a ‘fuck’ buddy – he does not say it like this (he’s edumacated, LOL) – he’s a guy! He means well; we care a lot about each other – it’s like a little brother, big sister kind of thing.
But something in me can’t be like one of the girls from ‘Sex and the City’ I just can’t. I am not 20 anymore, AIDs is a big deal (whether you people want to believe it or not – I am beginning to believe its’ a silent/secret epidemic). The other thing is that I NEED to feel a connection. I am not just going to go out and blithely have sex with someone – as good as it sounds – as badly as my body might ‘think’ it needs the pleasure...
*Laughs* not really living up to my namesake am I? Some Colette we’ve got here *giggle*
So all in all I am trying to live my life in such as way as to cultivate peace. I have moments of sheer panic about my lot of life sometimes – followed by a swift kick in the ass from my mind – reminding me that above all. I am ME/MY TRUE SELF and that is impermanent and this too will pass...
Or to quote a friend (not sure where HE got this quote from: “100 years from now, all new people” - kind of gives one some hope doesn’t it?
^_^
I’ve had so much going on – I am so busy and hectic. I am ignoring myself – for instance I really should be working out more (falling and twisting my ankle and banging up both of my knees kind of put the kabash on that for a bit...) – just hectic...
Yet underneath it all lies something I guess I am not accustomed to. JOY. Yes, I said Joy. It’s something I wasn’t quite recognizing – but I can feel it humming underneath everything. Sometimes I can’t even begin to describe it – because it actually brings tears to my eyes. Nonetheless it is there. And it is SANS guy/romance in my life – please some of you don’t take this the wrong way. First of all my happiness should never be dependent on another human being (none of us should find our happiness OUTSIDE of ourselves). I found myself just very happy.
Of course this recent turn of events with my one friend – makes me feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails (just a smidgen)...and I don’t know why.
I’ve been having ongoing talks with a good friend of mine - (when he as going through the breakup of his marriage I was there for him – he also happened to be my boss at the time). He’s been trying to ‘advise’ me on things (love-life wise) – he’s since moved to sunny California and is happily remarried. I often complain about how dating sucks. He tells me not to date people locally – of course I don’t like the idea of doing what he did – but then he was able to afford to fly to Chicago all the time. He tells me to ‘marry’ my Yoga/Work/Education and sleep with everything else. He often tells me to find a ‘fuck’ buddy – he does not say it like this (he’s edumacated, LOL) – he’s a guy! He means well; we care a lot about each other – it’s like a little brother, big sister kind of thing.
But something in me can’t be like one of the girls from ‘Sex and the City’ I just can’t. I am not 20 anymore, AIDs is a big deal (whether you people want to believe it or not – I am beginning to believe its’ a silent/secret epidemic). The other thing is that I NEED to feel a connection. I am not just going to go out and blithely have sex with someone – as good as it sounds – as badly as my body might ‘think’ it needs the pleasure...
*Laughs* not really living up to my namesake am I? Some Colette we’ve got here *giggle*
So all in all I am trying to live my life in such as way as to cultivate peace. I have moments of sheer panic about my lot of life sometimes – followed by a swift kick in the ass from my mind – reminding me that above all. I am ME/MY TRUE SELF and that is impermanent and this too will pass...
Or to quote a friend (not sure where HE got this quote from: “100 years from now, all new people” - kind of gives one some hope doesn’t it?
^_^
posted by Colette at 8:14 AM
1 Comments:
....there is no tao without laughter.
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