The ties that bind....
Early morning, dawn….
The moon hangs low, a thin sliver brightened by the rising sun, the eastern sky lighting up a pale blue a contrast to the rest of the still-dark night sky…
I am leaving to go to work; this is my meditation each morning as I pause to take in the beauty and hear the birds singing again. Slowly the spring is taking over after winter’s cold watch.
The echoes of the past evening’s conversation (as it were), ringing still in my head – it lulled me to sleep…
I am frightened by having a conversation like that – because I don’t want to…
I DO have too much on my plate and I DON’T need another distraction – the only thing is that they aren’t distractions. They are parts of my life or pieces of shrapnel from my broken heart. The shrapnel seems to be lodged in my mind too – this ever-constant reminder of what happened and how I was hurt, and how it’s not going away, and how I can’t turn it off – no matter how hard I try.
I really do want to heal and be released I don’t know what stops me. Something stops me though and I can’t seem to break free of it – like the proverbial chains around my heart. I feel like some damned damsel in distress – like I need someone to rescue me and I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I can’t pull myself out of this. I know a lot of it stems from the anger and mistrust. I know I don’t *have* to do anything – I know I can wait – but how long do I have to wait to be free of this? It worries me that I may never be free of this – it will be like a dragon guarding some kind of treasure – only it’s not a treasure…
I want to (at least somewhere in me wants to) – be consumed again – have the fire burn me again, be taken up again. The temptation is just so great to fall - again – but I back away from the cliff of those feelings because I don’ t know whats or who is going to catch me and I am just not strong enough right now. If I could just pause to catch my breath perhaps it will all be OK.
Still the magnet pull from the ex and all the emotional baggage that comes with it and I just don’t want to bring that to the table with me anymore – I am full of it….I want to find a bell-hop to cart it all away for me – permanently.
People talk about these things….how long it takes to be yourself again; someone told me one year, another person said 2 years the other day…2 years!!!! I want to scream. In the scheme of things, in the big picture, I guess 2 years isn’t that long – so why does it feel like eternity?
The moon hangs low, a thin sliver brightened by the rising sun, the eastern sky lighting up a pale blue a contrast to the rest of the still-dark night sky…
I am leaving to go to work; this is my meditation each morning as I pause to take in the beauty and hear the birds singing again. Slowly the spring is taking over after winter’s cold watch.
The echoes of the past evening’s conversation (as it were), ringing still in my head – it lulled me to sleep…
I am frightened by having a conversation like that – because I don’t want to…
I DO have too much on my plate and I DON’T need another distraction – the only thing is that they aren’t distractions. They are parts of my life or pieces of shrapnel from my broken heart. The shrapnel seems to be lodged in my mind too – this ever-constant reminder of what happened and how I was hurt, and how it’s not going away, and how I can’t turn it off – no matter how hard I try.
I really do want to heal and be released I don’t know what stops me. Something stops me though and I can’t seem to break free of it – like the proverbial chains around my heart. I feel like some damned damsel in distress – like I need someone to rescue me and I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I can’t pull myself out of this. I know a lot of it stems from the anger and mistrust. I know I don’t *have* to do anything – I know I can wait – but how long do I have to wait to be free of this? It worries me that I may never be free of this – it will be like a dragon guarding some kind of treasure – only it’s not a treasure…
I want to (at least somewhere in me wants to) – be consumed again – have the fire burn me again, be taken up again. The temptation is just so great to fall - again – but I back away from the cliff of those feelings because I don’ t know whats or who is going to catch me and I am just not strong enough right now. If I could just pause to catch my breath perhaps it will all be OK.
Still the magnet pull from the ex and all the emotional baggage that comes with it and I just don’t want to bring that to the table with me anymore – I am full of it….I want to find a bell-hop to cart it all away for me – permanently.
People talk about these things….how long it takes to be yourself again; someone told me one year, another person said 2 years the other day…2 years!!!! I want to scream. In the scheme of things, in the big picture, I guess 2 years isn’t that long – so why does it feel like eternity?
posted by Colette at 7:49 AM
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