Thursday, April 28, 2005

What a girl wants....

Yes, that question keeps coming up in my head (actually it's my heart asking my head to think about it).

And it's all I seem to do. Think, think, think. As meditation will teach you - thinking is well...bad. The Vrittis of the mind (fluctuations) - always get in the way of self-realisation.

Romance, seems to be a distant drum beat that I can barely hear anymore. Oh how I long for some in my life. However, I want it to be REAL. I don't know how to even explain what I mean by that, let alone commit it to an empty computer screen and upload it to this blog-diary-thingy...

I want a man that is going to send me poetry (LOL or write me poetry - or write to me period) - but then I had that in the last guy and look where it landed me.

The love poems of Pablo Neruda ring through me like a bell. I mean I actually FEEL his poetry like no other poet when it comes to matters of the heart. His writing about such sentiment is so achingly beautiful. To be loved like that...to be consumed by that fire. I think I had that once. I remember it being the greatest feeling in my life. I remember thinking I was dreaming, 'this can't be happening to me'. Sort of the way I imagine people feeling over tragedy/horrors as well...

Now isn't THAT an odd thought. Likening the feeling that someone is obsessed with you to a tragedy. Perhaps I feel that way now because I am older and because I *know* it will end eventually. That euphoric feeling goes away and who knows where it goes or what replaces it, other than mediocrity.

How do we keep a fire burning? And, is that really a good idea in the first place?

In conversations with one of the girls I work with (way back when we were talking about dating) - I mentioned this to her and she gave me some advice. She told me that perhaps the idea now isn't to be swept off my feet, but to find a nice, quiet, stable love.

Is that like bringing home a nice Jewish doctor? (sorry that slipped out like that)

Am I totally off-base in wanting passion, fire, great sex? Or am I just too old now to look forward to or even have those things. Are they only to be had by the young? Further, am I wrong for wanting the 'whole enchilada' as it were? I mean not just the heavy-breathing, sweating, screaming passion that lasts for hours - BUT ALSO - the quiet, intelligent, 'stable' kind of love that lasts forever - the one where I end up being in my 70s and with the same person? Is this simply another cruel joke thought up by some ad-men in Manhattan? I have to believe somewhere that love like this exists - even if it's only to help me to get through tonight, tomorrow and the days to come.

How can this life mean anything, truly, without love? I can't fathom a better reason for our existence than to love each other, fully, as whole human beings - not 1/2 people coming together to make a whole person...(yep that's another one of my criteria - you've got to at least be on the road to being a whole person BY YOURSELF - BEFORE COLETTE).

All I know is that while I want to be swept away with passion; while I can not in a million years even imagine love as anything else. I keep telling myself I also need to keep my feet planted on terra firma. But I have to wonder...is my insistence on certain 'standards' keeping me from something even more wonderful...that mystery that we call love?

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