No mind. No mind....
I have such a hard time remembering just that. To NOT think. To just flow. I try to teach my students the same thing. Physician, heal thyself.
I had, for so very long, been held captive in a horrible relationship. I could never let out a lot of my feelings. I had to keep stuffing them down inside of me. I was never allowed to let go, to say things, to be sad. I always had to be ‘the strong one’, the ‘one who took care of things’. There was never a time I could be weak, upset, and sorrowful. Therefore now, as ALL of these feelings wash over me I feel like I am drowning. I am experiencing (mainly) the highest of highs – but I am also carrying around a lot of sadness (perhaps in forms of regret or longing). I don’t want any of this to hurt me to make me someone I am not. I don’t want this to change how I view myself or the world around me. I don’t want this to harm my relationships (ANY of them). I want to live a carefully conscious life but I also want to let go. It’s a razor’s edge I am dancing on, trying not to slip and fall.
When I talk with my love about such things I feel at such a loss. I feel he must think I am daft. Insane. Being ‘a girl’ *gasps* ( LOL – um I think he likes that). Part of me doesn’t ‘like that’ - being weak isn’t one of my strong suits – not being weak so much as giving in…as being allowed to wallow in or cherish happiness because it was buried so far beneath all that dreck before…
I feel selfish, petulant because I want him, I feel I am being unreasonable, impatient. Part of me can’t help myself. Not a matter of self control (Read: Not having had such happiness in so long has a tendency to make you feel like an addict, like you can’t get enough).
I want to be cognizant of his needs, even that to be alone, to be willing to step back...even if it's the last thing *I* want to do...to be that unselfish in my love.
I had, for so very long, been held captive in a horrible relationship. I could never let out a lot of my feelings. I had to keep stuffing them down inside of me. I was never allowed to let go, to say things, to be sad. I always had to be ‘the strong one’, the ‘one who took care of things’. There was never a time I could be weak, upset, and sorrowful. Therefore now, as ALL of these feelings wash over me I feel like I am drowning. I am experiencing (mainly) the highest of highs – but I am also carrying around a lot of sadness (perhaps in forms of regret or longing). I don’t want any of this to hurt me to make me someone I am not. I don’t want this to change how I view myself or the world around me. I don’t want this to harm my relationships (ANY of them). I want to live a carefully conscious life but I also want to let go. It’s a razor’s edge I am dancing on, trying not to slip and fall.
When I talk with my love about such things I feel at such a loss. I feel he must think I am daft. Insane. Being ‘a girl’ *gasps* ( LOL – um I think he likes that). Part of me doesn’t ‘like that’ - being weak isn’t one of my strong suits – not being weak so much as giving in…as being allowed to wallow in or cherish happiness because it was buried so far beneath all that dreck before…
I feel selfish, petulant because I want him, I feel I am being unreasonable, impatient. Part of me can’t help myself. Not a matter of self control (Read: Not having had such happiness in so long has a tendency to make you feel like an addict, like you can’t get enough).
I want to be cognizant of his needs, even that to be alone, to be willing to step back...even if it's the last thing *I* want to do...to be that unselfish in my love.
posted by Colette at 1:20 PM
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