Same old, same old...
(This is a re-post - from last year - and I picked this one for now because of something that happened to me yesterday - Erin will understand - the rest of you will be filled in with a post filed under separate cover)
********
Defending your life....
You know I keep having neat things happen to me and I keep meeting interesting people...having really great conversations – surprising and pleasant chance encounters – part of me does not believe in ‘chance’ meetings…
You would think I’d be gun shy (I am when it comes to dating I think) about when I first meet people – but I am not – I don’t hide behind pretense – I actually say what I am thinking and blurt things out – I don’t know why.
Likewise I wonder if when I meet and chat with people on line if the anonymity of the internet is what gives people bravado and you end up saying things to them or sharing things with them that you’d never ordinarily open up about...
I am more than willing to share the sordid details about the breakup of my marriage and my agony with total strangers – I wonder if that makes me crazy – all this introspective musing, put on display for the whole world to see – not that anyone is particularly interested in my mundane life (although I’d like to think they are).
I find myself sometimes rambling on about why I made the choices I made or why I fell in love with him, or why I still feel love for him despite what he’s done.
I wrote about this early on – this sense that I was suppose to somehow stick by him – because I had taken a vow to be with him no matter what. I seem to want to beat myself up over my failed marriage (a lot). I seem to feel the need to justify, to defend, what I’ve done. I don’t know why. Yes I understand that he was responsible for his actions – we are ALL ultimately responsible for our actions. But can you really trust the actions of someone who is mentally ill? Should they be blamed for their sickness or the fallout that comes from it? Are they to never be loved by a ‘saner’ individual? If the person who does fall in love with them knows that they are sick – should that person not stick with them despite their illness and all the upheaval that comes from said illness. So in other words do those vows mean anything??? I’ve written about this and lamented about this for a long time – asking the universe for some glint of an answer to help me figure out what the best course of action was. For instance he put me at risk with his irresponsible behavior. Now let’s say instead of him going out and having affairs and meeting up or trying to hook up with people on the internet he had instead done things to make him lose his job – which I am sure he had done to some extent – is that grounds for divorce?? When we say the words: ‘For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ should we be advised to insert a conditional phrase like ‘That is unless he/she puts me in harms way’? And is that love? Is that unconditional love? Don’t we always put ourselves a bit at risk when we fall in love? If we are lucky then the problems rear their respective ugly heads BEFORE vows are exchanged – but what if vows are exchanged? And what if the person marrying is fully aware of their loved ones failings/frailties – does that somehow make it different? Is it wrong to divorce a person because their mental illness causes them to behave in ways that are detrimental to a lasting and healthy relationship?
You know - during the times we were going through various phases in his illness together, there wasn’t much help for us as a couple – oh sure there’s couples counseling but it’s hard to counsel one sane person and one insane person simultaneously who are together trying to forge a bond. Do psychologists expect people who are mentally ill to never fall in love? If they do fall in love and (more importantly) someone from the ‘outside’ falls in love with them what advice do they have for the sane partner? Deal with it? Just be careful? Know your limitations? I mean I guess I’ve always been confused by all of this. Early on in our relationship I spent much time and effort on trying to get him help – I called people, I cried, I cajoled, I did everything in my power to try to get him the help and the meds he needed and we were only dating then...he became stable – we got married – he went off his meds and all of a sudden OUR lives fell apart – not just HIS life – MY life, as well as OUR COLLECTIVE lives spun out of control – I guess by this time after a decade of trying to keep it all together plus raise my kids, I was just completely tired of all the bullshit, no support; not from a psychological standpoint, nor from a societal standpoint, nor from a family and friend standpoint (I mean his parents were less than useless and after a while what the fuck can your friends really say?). And it’s not like I didn’t participate in the madness… I am going to say something here that may be very well viewed as ‘crazy’ but dealing with people who are depressed (especially in a manic sort of way) – causes depression in their mates – in other words – craziness is contagious – I fed into his psychoses – why? Because I didn’t know what to do – he’d be ranting or depressed or whatever form it took and it was all I could do to tread water – I was drowning in it…and it’s not that I didn’t love him – it pained me to see him suffer – I just didn’t know how to help and I of course could totally empathise when he’d say – I don’t like that counselor they are just not helping me – well sure if you are LYING to yourself as well as everyone around you (including the professional paid to help you) then you’re not going to get any better – but again if being delusional is a part of your illness then how are you suppose to stop that on your own?? I was fearful to have him committed because I had heard horror stories (from close friends) about how sometimes you can’t get the people back out of the institution – so I was lost so totally lost...
And now, I am ‘out of it’, I can see the forest through the trees and it does not make it any better or more tolerable or somehow ‘right’ it’s still a tragedy – it still keeps me up at times at night – it’s still sad – it’s sad anytime someone you love is ill and your are helpless against it – I wish I could help without helping (if that makes any sense) - send in some kind of proxy to help get him on his feet ‘cause he’s drowning in this all by himself now – no medical care, no meds, no nothing and jobless – the next step will be homelessness if something does not change…is that my problem? Many of you would say no to that question - so I will ask another age old question – Am I my brother’s keeper? It’s hard to be compassionate and detached at the same time isn’t it?
(And no, for those of you concerned this does not mean I am going to run back into a burning house to save someone who is in essence beyond saving.)
Do YOU have the RIGHT answer?????? Just curious...
********
Defending your life....
You know I keep having neat things happen to me and I keep meeting interesting people...having really great conversations – surprising and pleasant chance encounters – part of me does not believe in ‘chance’ meetings…
You would think I’d be gun shy (I am when it comes to dating I think) about when I first meet people – but I am not – I don’t hide behind pretense – I actually say what I am thinking and blurt things out – I don’t know why.
Likewise I wonder if when I meet and chat with people on line if the anonymity of the internet is what gives people bravado and you end up saying things to them or sharing things with them that you’d never ordinarily open up about...
I am more than willing to share the sordid details about the breakup of my marriage and my agony with total strangers – I wonder if that makes me crazy – all this introspective musing, put on display for the whole world to see – not that anyone is particularly interested in my mundane life (although I’d like to think they are).
I find myself sometimes rambling on about why I made the choices I made or why I fell in love with him, or why I still feel love for him despite what he’s done.
I wrote about this early on – this sense that I was suppose to somehow stick by him – because I had taken a vow to be with him no matter what. I seem to want to beat myself up over my failed marriage (a lot). I seem to feel the need to justify, to defend, what I’ve done. I don’t know why. Yes I understand that he was responsible for his actions – we are ALL ultimately responsible for our actions. But can you really trust the actions of someone who is mentally ill? Should they be blamed for their sickness or the fallout that comes from it? Are they to never be loved by a ‘saner’ individual? If the person who does fall in love with them knows that they are sick – should that person not stick with them despite their illness and all the upheaval that comes from said illness. So in other words do those vows mean anything??? I’ve written about this and lamented about this for a long time – asking the universe for some glint of an answer to help me figure out what the best course of action was. For instance he put me at risk with his irresponsible behavior. Now let’s say instead of him going out and having affairs and meeting up or trying to hook up with people on the internet he had instead done things to make him lose his job – which I am sure he had done to some extent – is that grounds for divorce?? When we say the words: ‘For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ should we be advised to insert a conditional phrase like ‘That is unless he/she puts me in harms way’? And is that love? Is that unconditional love? Don’t we always put ourselves a bit at risk when we fall in love? If we are lucky then the problems rear their respective ugly heads BEFORE vows are exchanged – but what if vows are exchanged? And what if the person marrying is fully aware of their loved ones failings/frailties – does that somehow make it different? Is it wrong to divorce a person because their mental illness causes them to behave in ways that are detrimental to a lasting and healthy relationship?
You know - during the times we were going through various phases in his illness together, there wasn’t much help for us as a couple – oh sure there’s couples counseling but it’s hard to counsel one sane person and one insane person simultaneously who are together trying to forge a bond. Do psychologists expect people who are mentally ill to never fall in love? If they do fall in love and (more importantly) someone from the ‘outside’ falls in love with them what advice do they have for the sane partner? Deal with it? Just be careful? Know your limitations? I mean I guess I’ve always been confused by all of this. Early on in our relationship I spent much time and effort on trying to get him help – I called people, I cried, I cajoled, I did everything in my power to try to get him the help and the meds he needed and we were only dating then...he became stable – we got married – he went off his meds and all of a sudden OUR lives fell apart – not just HIS life – MY life, as well as OUR COLLECTIVE lives spun out of control – I guess by this time after a decade of trying to keep it all together plus raise my kids, I was just completely tired of all the bullshit, no support; not from a psychological standpoint, nor from a societal standpoint, nor from a family and friend standpoint (I mean his parents were less than useless and after a while what the fuck can your friends really say?). And it’s not like I didn’t participate in the madness… I am going to say something here that may be very well viewed as ‘crazy’ but dealing with people who are depressed (especially in a manic sort of way) – causes depression in their mates – in other words – craziness is contagious – I fed into his psychoses – why? Because I didn’t know what to do – he’d be ranting or depressed or whatever form it took and it was all I could do to tread water – I was drowning in it…and it’s not that I didn’t love him – it pained me to see him suffer – I just didn’t know how to help and I of course could totally empathise when he’d say – I don’t like that counselor they are just not helping me – well sure if you are LYING to yourself as well as everyone around you (including the professional paid to help you) then you’re not going to get any better – but again if being delusional is a part of your illness then how are you suppose to stop that on your own?? I was fearful to have him committed because I had heard horror stories (from close friends) about how sometimes you can’t get the people back out of the institution – so I was lost so totally lost...
And now, I am ‘out of it’, I can see the forest through the trees and it does not make it any better or more tolerable or somehow ‘right’ it’s still a tragedy – it still keeps me up at times at night – it’s still sad – it’s sad anytime someone you love is ill and your are helpless against it – I wish I could help without helping (if that makes any sense) - send in some kind of proxy to help get him on his feet ‘cause he’s drowning in this all by himself now – no medical care, no meds, no nothing and jobless – the next step will be homelessness if something does not change…is that my problem? Many of you would say no to that question - so I will ask another age old question – Am I my brother’s keeper? It’s hard to be compassionate and detached at the same time isn’t it?
(And no, for those of you concerned this does not mean I am going to run back into a burning house to save someone who is in essence beyond saving.)
Do YOU have the RIGHT answer?????? Just curious...
Labels: relationships, The Past
posted by Colette at 1:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home