Love doesn't necessarily mean marriage: survey

Love doesn't necessarily mean marriage: survey

Very interesting article...not sure how well 'science' bears out the findings...

June: Summer's Song

This is a re-post from last year, June.

My, my, what a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time my relationship with my son was sort of in shambles. My 'love life' was non-existent. Getting my teeth drilled sans Novocaine was preferable to dating.

Things were not going well and I took a break from everything. From writing (on this blog), from dating (stick a fork in me - I was done), even in some ways, from my responsibilities as a parent. I was burnt out. Drained.

I was not looking to find 'love' per se. I was tired, spent, at cross-purposes with my very 'self' and, as you can see from this post below, a bit disillusioned with 'romance' in general.

So I took a blog vacation and decided to begin rediscovering myself, and, in the process, on June 24, 2006, I met the man of my dreams (and hopes).

I am never going back to that dark place/space again - no matter how this love turns out - I know I am strong, vital, and capable as a human being. I don't need another person to define who I am - having a person who compliments me, makes me the best Colette I can be - that's amazing - but not necessary. It's a gift, from God. I am blessed and I will continue to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I've learned a lot about myself over this past year and I can finally say I am happy that I've managed to come out complete and whole on the other side of the abyss.

Love and hope to you all.

C~

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Cloud Zero

...and it all comes crashing down...

But not without a little 'push'...

Why would I allow someone to take me anywhere that high?
When I know that the only way back is down...

Like the day I poured my heart onto the sand only to lose it in the roar of the wind - although it felt good to let the words slip off of my tongue...

Does attraction only work like a magnet pull - is that WHY we call it attraction - because it has to be mutual in order to function properly? Must be, otherwise, as someone said to me 'everyone would have been married to Paul McCartney in the 60s cause he was so cute'...

Not me, I'd have picked George...

And why do they call it 'Cloud 9'?

I am tired of my own heartsong...time to change the tune.

Cause sometimes it's just this way...

"Little Earthquakes"

Yellow bird flying gets shot in the wing
Good year for hunters and christmas parties
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate elevator music
The way we fight
The way Im left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings never afraid to burn
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

I cant reach you
I cant reach you

Give me life, give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces

-- 'Little Earthquakes' - Tori Amos

Getting 'Unstuck'

Trying to free myself of the muck and mire from my past.

Yesterday, my ex called me. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I know he is calling – but sometimes because of the way my phone works or because I am on another line, I don’t always know if it’s him calling me.

I can deal with him (at times) in small doses – but I’d rather avoid it because he plays head games and still tries to be manipulative and ‘stalks’ me…..

He was calling basically to share ‘good news’ that he now had been hired on full time and he was entitled to benefits. This is all good and I was happy to hear this. I don’t wish ill upon him. He asked if he could see me – I said no. Then he said:

“I found out that You” (meaning ME) “were entitled to 10 free counseling visits when we were married”

At first I did not understand his implications – then I realized he was chastising me because WE did not go get enough counseling.

I sat there for a minute letting it sink in – then I asked him if he was going to go get help for himself – he said yes – then he had to get off the phone.

I sat there….letting it sink in more.

Then I became livid; actually violently livid. This mother-fucking-asshole was implying that somehow *I* did not do enough when it came to counseling and getting US help. When HE was the one who went off of his meds. HE then lied about that. HE refused to go get ANY help. Then when we finally reached critical mass near the end of the relationship and we did go get counseling, HE refused to acknowledge the fact that since HE went off of his depressions meds that really NO ONE could help him – least of all us because his manic-depressive-BPD-bi-polar disorder would not allow anyone to deal with HIM rationally. HE then stated to all of us sitting in the session that we were ‘ganging up on him…’

A week later I found out he was screwing an 18 year old and trying to make it with 75 other people (men, women, and other couples). The rest as they say is history.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

First of all anyone who knows me and knows what I went through in that marriage, knows how hard I tried. I am not trying to give myself a pat on the back here or earn good-deed ‘brownie points’. I truly wanted him to get well and I truly wanted our marriage to work.

How dare he sound accusatory of me having 10 free visits and implying I didn’t do enough. I mean he did not come out and say this and perhaps I read the wrong thing into it – but when you are with a person for a decade you know how they think, how they operate and he was always insidious and always blaming everyone BUT HIM – he was always trying to pass the buck and he was always manipulative, using emotional blackmail.

I had to go teach a Yoga class not long after this conversation – I was able to make it through the class. But then I felt like crap emotionally.

Went to Erin’s and hit rock bottom. Just closed down emotionally. I did not even want to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting him. Finally I did – I was really upset and it really put us both through the wringer.

I am sick of this. I am sick of giving this man that kind of power over me. It’s my own damn fault for allowing this to happen.

I am stronger than this. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing love/man in that life and I am not going to let this tear me down. I know I am over-reacting to this and I need to stop.

Why do we do shit like this to ourselves??????


(*groans*)

Same old, same old...

(This is a re-post - from last year - and I picked this one for now because of something that happened to me yesterday - Erin will understand - the rest of you will be filled in with a post filed under separate cover)

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Defending your life....


You know I keep having neat things happen to me and I keep meeting interesting people...having really great conversations – surprising and pleasant chance encounters – part of me does not believe in ‘chance’ meetings…

You would think I’d be gun shy (I am when it comes to dating I think) about when I first meet people – but I am not – I don’t hide behind pretense – I actually say what I am thinking and blurt things out – I don’t know why.

Likewise I wonder if when I meet and chat with people on line if the anonymity of the internet is what gives people bravado and you end up saying things to them or sharing things with them that you’d never ordinarily open up about...

I am more than willing to share the sordid details about the breakup of my marriage and my agony with total strangers – I wonder if that makes me crazy – all this introspective musing, put on display for the whole world to see – not that anyone is particularly interested in my mundane life (although I’d like to think they are).

I find myself sometimes rambling on about why I made the choices I made or why I fell in love with him, or why I still feel love for him despite what he’s done.

I wrote about this early on – this sense that I was suppose to somehow stick by him – because I had taken a vow to be with him no matter what. I seem to want to beat myself up over my failed marriage (a lot). I seem to feel the need to justify, to defend, what I’ve done. I don’t know why. Yes I understand that he was responsible for his actions – we are ALL ultimately responsible for our actions. But can you really trust the actions of someone who is mentally ill? Should they be blamed for their sickness or the fallout that comes from it? Are they to never be loved by a ‘saner’ individual? If the person who does fall in love with them knows that they are sick – should that person not stick with them despite their illness and all the upheaval that comes from said illness. So in other words do those vows mean anything??? I’ve written about this and lamented about this for a long time – asking the universe for some glint of an answer to help me figure out what the best course of action was. For instance he put me at risk with his irresponsible behavior. Now let’s say instead of him going out and having affairs and meeting up or trying to hook up with people on the internet he had instead done things to make him lose his job – which I am sure he had done to some extent – is that grounds for divorce?? When we say the words: ‘For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ should we be advised to insert a conditional phrase like ‘That is unless he/she puts me in harms way’? And is that love? Is that unconditional love? Don’t we always put ourselves a bit at risk when we fall in love? If we are lucky then the problems rear their respective ugly heads BEFORE vows are exchanged – but what if vows are exchanged? And what if the person marrying is fully aware of their loved ones failings/frailties – does that somehow make it different? Is it wrong to divorce a person because their mental illness causes them to behave in ways that are detrimental to a lasting and healthy relationship?

You know - during the times we were going through various phases in his illness together, there wasn’t much help for us as a couple – oh sure there’s couples counseling but it’s hard to counsel one sane person and one insane person simultaneously who are together trying to forge a bond. Do psychologists expect people who are mentally ill to never fall in love? If they do fall in love and (more importantly) someone from the ‘outside’ falls in love with them what advice do they have for the sane partner? Deal with it? Just be careful? Know your limitations? I mean I guess I’ve always been confused by all of this. Early on in our relationship I spent much time and effort on trying to get him help – I called people, I cried, I cajoled, I did everything in my power to try to get him the help and the meds he needed and we were only dating then...he became stable – we got married – he went off his meds and all of a sudden OUR lives fell apart – not just HIS life – MY life, as well as OUR COLLECTIVE lives spun out of control – I guess by this time after a decade of trying to keep it all together plus raise my kids, I was just completely tired of all the bullshit, no support; not from a psychological standpoint, nor from a societal standpoint, nor from a family and friend standpoint (I mean his parents were less than useless and after a while what the fuck can your friends really say?). And it’s not like I didn’t participate in the madness… I am going to say something here that may be very well viewed as ‘crazy’ but dealing with people who are depressed (especially in a manic sort of way) – causes depression in their mates – in other words – craziness is contagious – I fed into his psychoses – why? Because I didn’t know what to do – he’d be ranting or depressed or whatever form it took and it was all I could do to tread water – I was drowning in it…and it’s not that I didn’t love him – it pained me to see him suffer – I just didn’t know how to help and I of course could totally empathise when he’d say – I don’t like that counselor they are just not helping me – well sure if you are LYING to yourself as well as everyone around you (including the professional paid to help you) then you’re not going to get any better – but again if being delusional is a part of your illness then how are you suppose to stop that on your own?? I was fearful to have him committed because I had heard horror stories (from close friends) about how sometimes you can’t get the people back out of the institution – so I was lost so totally lost...

And now, I am ‘out of it’, I can see the forest through the trees and it does not make it any better or more tolerable or somehow ‘right’ it’s still a tragedy – it still keeps me up at times at night – it’s still sad – it’s sad anytime someone you love is ill and your are helpless against it – I wish I could help without helping (if that makes any sense) - send in some kind of proxy to help get him on his feet ‘cause he’s drowning in this all by himself now – no medical care, no meds, no nothing and jobless – the next step will be homelessness if something does not change…is that my problem? Many of you would say no to that question - so I will ask another age old question – Am I my brother’s keeper? It’s hard to be compassionate and detached at the same time isn’t it?

(And no, for those of you concerned this does not mean I am going to run back into a burning house to save someone who is in essence beyond saving.)

Do YOU have the RIGHT answer?????? Just curious...

Ring of Fire....

I am in love. I am blissfully happy. I have been once again ‘talking’ to my love and I am sure he thinks I am crazed (I am). I am (I am sure) driving him crazy as well...

What happens is that I bring up ‘hypotheticals’ I talk about what happens when we wake up one fateful morning and one of us (or both) thinks ‘WTF am I doing with you?’ – it happens – it did with me in both of my marriages. Not because I did not like the person anymore but because we had grown so far apart that I didn’t recognize them anymore and I didn’t know what had compelled me to marry them to begin with – for they had (as we all do invariably) changed; Changed so drastically that had I met them at this point I would probably not have been friends with them – let alone fallen in love with them.

At what point do we change like that? How do we make sure that despite our changing as we evolve, that we don’t leave behind our partner? The key as Erin and I have discussed ad nauseum is communication. You tell your partner you are unhappy and you work from there – unhappy seems pretty strong – so does dissatisfied – so what do you say to your S.O. when you wake up feeling like you should have never gotten married in the first place?

I am not a big proponent of marriage (you all know this or you don’t know me very well) – however when I think about marriage it’s not marriage I am against (I’ve said this before) – what I hate is what happens to us as people WHEN we tie that knot – it all becomes unraveled and you are left feeling like perfect strangers to each other. Unless. Unless you can manage to stay tied/connected to each other. I have to say that I don’t feel this is going to be a problem with Erin – which is why I said yes to him.

I am incredibly lucky and I can’t for the life of me figure out what made him ask me, why he is this much in love with me. I am not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth – I just get to feeling like its all some surreal dream from which I will awaken soon, and this 'fantasy' will have never happened...

He sets my heart, my mind and my soul on fire. His touch makes me weak. He lingers with me all day and he is always on my mind. Even though I’ve been in love before and happily married before I have NEVER felt this happy or intense over anyone. Above is a picture that very closely resembles what my ring looks like (with the exception of the band you see in the picture). Every time I look at my diamond I can see the fire and the brilliance that calls to mind this love of mine. Like my ring – this love is made to last forever and I have hope that it will bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things...

(As an aside - it seems everytime we go to mass together there is a reading about love or marriage or something related to all of this - how cool is that?)