The Mourning Dove and St. Peter
“Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weights you down.” ~Toni Morrison
These past couple of days have been a bit emotional. I am cleaning out my old house and purging things so I can move in completely with Erin. In going through old paperwork, I came across the stuff I found on the Internet when my ex cheated on me.
Today, I had to go to the county clerk of courts in order to get a certified copy of my divorce decree.
I don’t want to feel emotional about these things - I want to let them go. I FEEL though – I can’t seem to stop feeling things. There’s a fear attached to the feelings. The fear of failing – the fear of messing things up. Erin is being patient and kind but I don’t want to lean on him because it’s HIM that I am afraid of letting down…and myself as well.
The fear is not the over-riding feeling – I am excited and happy to be getting married to Erin – I have never loved like this before. I want this marriage to work and to last. So I need to get rid of this excess baggage – stop giving it the weight that anchors me to the past and rise above the emotion in order to love more fully the way we are meant to love one another.
These past couple of days have been a bit emotional. I am cleaning out my old house and purging things so I can move in completely with Erin. In going through old paperwork, I came across the stuff I found on the Internet when my ex cheated on me.
Today, I had to go to the county clerk of courts in order to get a certified copy of my divorce decree.
I don’t want to feel emotional about these things - I want to let them go. I FEEL though – I can’t seem to stop feeling things. There’s a fear attached to the feelings. The fear of failing – the fear of messing things up. Erin is being patient and kind but I don’t want to lean on him because it’s HIM that I am afraid of letting down…and myself as well.
The fear is not the over-riding feeling – I am excited and happy to be getting married to Erin – I have never loved like this before. I want this marriage to work and to last. So I need to get rid of this excess baggage – stop giving it the weight that anchors me to the past and rise above the emotion in order to love more fully the way we are meant to love one another.
posted by Colette at 1:30 PM
5 Comments:
When I look back through your blog, at where you began this adventure.
You were a wounded bird, betrayed by the man who was supposed to have loved you.
Yet in spite of your fears, and your worries, you have flourished!
Now the love of a good man fills your heart & your life.
This love hasn't changed you, it hasn't made you into someone you aren't. It has enhanced who you truly are.
Let go of the pain of the past, and look ahead to the chapters about to be written!
No one is ever "baggage-free"... we all carry some bits and pieces of the past in forms of learned lessons, cautions, and memories. Cleaning up and digging through the past always stirs up these things, but it's only temporary.
It's normal to have some trepidation, just don't ever allow it to paralyze you. You're moving forward in a positive and wonderful way. You'll do fine, I know it. Both of you are wonderful people.
Just drop off those tangible reminders of the painful memories and they'll slowly fade back into the woodwork. It might seen like a hazardous road ahead at times, but if you just look back for a moment at the quagmires you've survives thus far, the future seems a heck of a lot easier and brighter!
*hugs*
Fail, fall-short, etc. I go by what you/I/we want to try and accomplish, not by what is actually accomplished.
Fear builds walls. Please, lean on me. It is impossible to lean on someone over a wall, you gotta tear down the wall to get to the other person.
Or as Robert Frost calls to us to ask:
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.
http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/frost-mending.html
For me, this poem speaks volumes about personal relationships.
Also check out "Tuft of Flowers", also by Robert Frost:
http://www.bartleby.com/117/24.html
My love...
How can we know if we make progress towards what we want to accomplish - we need victories AND failures - lessons to learn.
I have never ben able to lean on anyone - I am not alway comfy with that notion. I do the best I can despite my fears and shortcomings - I hope we will always love each other regardless of our 'faults'
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