'You can't go home again...'
Tonight, I had to go out shopping for shoes to wear on my wedding day....because tomorrow I am having my dress hemmed and bustled. I also had to go pick up my dress from my 'home' where I've been keeping it - only cause I am a little superstitious.
Shoe shopping went well and I had fun - it's been a while since I went shopping just for me and I found some great deals and sexy shoes...
Then I had to go fetch my gown....
Whenever I go back to my old house, I feel like a visitor...it's weird. I look around and I see my things and I feel displaced/distanced from them somehow - yet I miss certain items - almost a separation anxiety. I also feel like I am an observer, or a visitor to a museum...I spent a lot of time tonight in my old bedroom just sort of standing in the middle trying to 'intuit' - to get a sense of why these feelings come up - is it that I miss my old 'home' ? No, I think it's more about 'space' and belongings...because every time I come here I gather things up to take back to Erin's with me....
Soon, very soon, I am going to have to make a complete break and actually pack my stuff - I need to do this ASAP. I am tired of not having my things, I also feel the need to 'purge' - shit I'd like to set fire to some of the whole lot of it....perhaps give it a funereal send off of sorts....to make a clean slate, to lose that which confines me, holds me down, connects me to that past life so I can step into a new future....
I don't even know if I am making much sense - I feel like I am stammering or rambling like a lunatic.
The quiet was nice tho' - detached - disorienting a bit - it's like I've gotten used to the 'noise' or the sounds of Erin's and so the silence is almost surreal in nature - yet soothing. I know that I crave quiet at times and perhaps it's because right now, life just seems to exist in hyper-drive what with the wedding planning and the constant barrage of bullshit at work....I am hoping after the wedding, I will finally settle down a bit into some semblance of a 'routine' - not boring but a natural rhythm; acclimation and assimilation.....
One can hope n'est ce pas?
Shoe shopping went well and I had fun - it's been a while since I went shopping just for me and I found some great deals and sexy shoes...
Then I had to go fetch my gown....
Whenever I go back to my old house, I feel like a visitor...it's weird. I look around and I see my things and I feel displaced/distanced from them somehow - yet I miss certain items - almost a separation anxiety. I also feel like I am an observer, or a visitor to a museum...I spent a lot of time tonight in my old bedroom just sort of standing in the middle trying to 'intuit' - to get a sense of why these feelings come up - is it that I miss my old 'home' ? No, I think it's more about 'space' and belongings...because every time I come here I gather things up to take back to Erin's with me....
Soon, very soon, I am going to have to make a complete break and actually pack my stuff - I need to do this ASAP. I am tired of not having my things, I also feel the need to 'purge' - shit I'd like to set fire to some of the whole lot of it....perhaps give it a funereal send off of sorts....to make a clean slate, to lose that which confines me, holds me down, connects me to that past life so I can step into a new future....
I don't even know if I am making much sense - I feel like I am stammering or rambling like a lunatic.
The quiet was nice tho' - detached - disorienting a bit - it's like I've gotten used to the 'noise' or the sounds of Erin's and so the silence is almost surreal in nature - yet soothing. I know that I crave quiet at times and perhaps it's because right now, life just seems to exist in hyper-drive what with the wedding planning and the constant barrage of bullshit at work....I am hoping after the wedding, I will finally settle down a bit into some semblance of a 'routine' - not boring but a natural rhythm; acclimation and assimilation.....
One can hope n'est ce pas?
Labels: Life, Observations
posted by Colette at 9:12 PM
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