What does it all really matter?
Not to sound as pathetic as the title....
*sigh* I have an angel on my left shoulder and the devil on my right. It's like that old cartoon - the angel is trying to get me to do the *right* thing - the compassionate thing and the devil is pushing me to tear everything down - become like Kali...
There is so much I *want* to know about all of this that has transpired and my mind won't stop trying to find things out - like one little piece of this is going to make me understand completely.
There's so much I want to learn about *him* right now - like the book he just bought at the 1/2 Price Book Store and how when I began to read it my mind expanded; I began to drown in the words - they took me over invading me , raping me, changing me - it was delicious. The horror and the beauty was breathless. Through this book - I saw another facet of his personality (one I always knew was there but it was never so plain before - so Zen) - perhaps I've changed, perhaps I am just desperate.
He's become my favourite non-comformist and I am afraid of his power and the magnet pull of his ideas.
In a many ways I want to move forward and drop all of this and begin again - in many ways I know I never will be able to do this. And therein lies the rub...I am confused. I really don't ever want to go back there with him - I just can't take that again. And I am not certain he will ever change and my gut tells me he won't. A good friend recently said that if we work things out, I would have to accept him the way he is - but I rebel against that - because the way he is when he is sick is atrocious and no one should be expected to live that way - not even my worst enemy. Let someone else deal with it. What if he is only that 'way' with me? Perhaps with someone else he'd be more 'sane', nicer, kinder, loving.
Part of my heart feels that we will never get back together again. That part is the part that no longer wants to see him - that is desperately trying to pull away - to escape.
The other part of my heart knows that I will always love him no matter what - that's the part that wants him to unveil himself to me so I can love him that much.
But logic tells me no - this just doesn't work anymore. I can't be the things he needs me to be - I can't cross those lines - no even to meet him halfway - it is not who I am. And that is not fair to him. Let him find someone who can be his everything. Why do we demand so much of each other - why do relationships do this to people? If I tell him he can do what he wants just to leave me out of it - he gets angry - he *wants* to discover those things with me - BUT WHY??? What is so goddamned important - why do I have to become part of *HIS* journey of self discovery? I've had my own journey and I took it alone - I think we all need to. Can't he just put me down for a while and go out and *play* and then if he wants to come back - it's like that famous, stupid quote "If you love something, set it free..."
In turn, he can't be everything to me either. He will never be a really kind person, he will never be truly unselfish - never truly doing anything out of compassion. There are just some feelings I don't think he possesses at least not when it comes to me. I need things too, I am fragile too and I need someone to take care of me once in a while - not always - but knowing someone is capable and willing is important. I don't blame him - he can not be what he is not.
So what now? Patience, perserverance? Knowing myself I will probably just slowly gently try to let him go. Our relationship has had so much turmoil, so much upheaval with no resolution - always the heaviness, always the misunderstanding and grandstanding. I just don't want that anymore - my heart can't take it. Quietly, quietly I will slip away - perhaps he won't even notice.
*sigh* I have an angel on my left shoulder and the devil on my right. It's like that old cartoon - the angel is trying to get me to do the *right* thing - the compassionate thing and the devil is pushing me to tear everything down - become like Kali...
There is so much I *want* to know about all of this that has transpired and my mind won't stop trying to find things out - like one little piece of this is going to make me understand completely.
There's so much I want to learn about *him* right now - like the book he just bought at the 1/2 Price Book Store and how when I began to read it my mind expanded; I began to drown in the words - they took me over invading me , raping me, changing me - it was delicious. The horror and the beauty was breathless. Through this book - I saw another facet of his personality (one I always knew was there but it was never so plain before - so Zen) - perhaps I've changed, perhaps I am just desperate.
He's become my favourite non-comformist and I am afraid of his power and the magnet pull of his ideas.
In a many ways I want to move forward and drop all of this and begin again - in many ways I know I never will be able to do this. And therein lies the rub...I am confused. I really don't ever want to go back there with him - I just can't take that again. And I am not certain he will ever change and my gut tells me he won't. A good friend recently said that if we work things out, I would have to accept him the way he is - but I rebel against that - because the way he is when he is sick is atrocious and no one should be expected to live that way - not even my worst enemy. Let someone else deal with it. What if he is only that 'way' with me? Perhaps with someone else he'd be more 'sane', nicer, kinder, loving.
Part of my heart feels that we will never get back together again. That part is the part that no longer wants to see him - that is desperately trying to pull away - to escape.
The other part of my heart knows that I will always love him no matter what - that's the part that wants him to unveil himself to me so I can love him that much.
But logic tells me no - this just doesn't work anymore. I can't be the things he needs me to be - I can't cross those lines - no even to meet him halfway - it is not who I am. And that is not fair to him. Let him find someone who can be his everything. Why do we demand so much of each other - why do relationships do this to people? If I tell him he can do what he wants just to leave me out of it - he gets angry - he *wants* to discover those things with me - BUT WHY??? What is so goddamned important - why do I have to become part of *HIS* journey of self discovery? I've had my own journey and I took it alone - I think we all need to. Can't he just put me down for a while and go out and *play* and then if he wants to come back - it's like that famous, stupid quote "If you love something, set it free..."
In turn, he can't be everything to me either. He will never be a really kind person, he will never be truly unselfish - never truly doing anything out of compassion. There are just some feelings I don't think he possesses at least not when it comes to me. I need things too, I am fragile too and I need someone to take care of me once in a while - not always - but knowing someone is capable and willing is important. I don't blame him - he can not be what he is not.
So what now? Patience, perserverance? Knowing myself I will probably just slowly gently try to let him go. Our relationship has had so much turmoil, so much upheaval with no resolution - always the heaviness, always the misunderstanding and grandstanding. I just don't want that anymore - my heart can't take it. Quietly, quietly I will slip away - perhaps he won't even notice.
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