Jumping without a parachute
Today was my counseling session.
Nice lady - laid back - I actually liked her immediately. She listened but in an active way. SHE PARTICIPATED! I loved that.
I spilled my guts - literally - I don't think I took a breath. It's not that it was easy. I cried in my car afterwards. I think a dam just needed to burst.
We didn't go down the 'childhood path' as I refer to it - that will come later (I am sure)- she merely set me off by asking what brought me there. She got an earful (and a notepad full - she was taking notes)...
Towards the end of my session she said she had to ask me questions for intake purposes. She asked me if I was having a hard time focusing. I laughed and asked her "Well..what do you think?" Then I laughed again and told her that I felt I was lucky I had not jumped off of a building - she knew I was kidding....then I felt bad for having joked about such a thing. But she told me I had been through a lot and that it was surprising I was in as good shape as I was...I am not sure if she was trying to make me feel better. I did apologize for 'dumping' so much in the first session. She also asked me if I was angry. I was honest - yes I am angry. And I want to get to the bottom of that well and try to root it out and put it all in perspective.
During the session I told her I felt like my husband was blaming everything on his depression. (He does). I told her I felt like he was using it almost as a weapon. (I do feel that way).
My husband has been claiming lately that his depression made him do this (sort of the way one would say the devil made them do something). He is not saying what he did was right. He is merely saying he had no control over what he did. That the depression took his ability to choose away - in other words it took away his ability to just say no to having an affair.
Look I am sorry folks I don't mean to come off sounding this way and I REALLY want some comments on this one (a soundcheck - a reality check) - especially from those out there that I know know things about psychology and depression. If a person stops taking their meds,hides the fact that they are off of their meds from their wife and then they have an affair, is it the depression's fault or theirs? My point being that my husband is not a babbling idiot, he is not mad (as in the "Madness of King George"), he is not demented, he is not schizophrenic, he is depressed.
He was cognizant enough to keep a journal (weblog) of what he did (you can refer to my past posts where in the one journal he actually referred to me a his girlfriend not his wife)- so my question is was he so crazy, so depressed, that he actually believed his own lies? Or was it because the little bitch was reading all of his posts and he had to keep the game going? I mean I find this all too cunning for someone who claims they are so depressed. In fact I find it to be borderline personality disorder - not depression. I have close friends who are depressed. One of them when he heard what happened said to me 'When I am depressed I have no energy - I can't imagine having the energy for a wife AND a girlfriend."
I've asked my husband time and time again to talk to me about this subject - to clarify - but all I get from him is that he has no words and that I would not understand (but his girlfriend did!?!?!?) - um ok. On top of this he won't let me talk to his counselor about his own sessions - or even sit in one in order to help me to understand so where does that leave me? As usual in the limbo that has become this relationship. So I challenged him on this recently, and he told me to ask my counselor - she does not know enough yet to answer me in any real depth - nor does she know him - but I can tell you that she seemed to validate my sentiments - )or are they told to do that?)
Later in the day, my husband asked me about my session. I asked him if he really wanted to know what happened and if he really wanted to hear the truth. I told him about the session and how this has all made me feel and now we are not talking. He was very caustic about my feelings. Just shut them right out like they have no place in what's really going on...he took his anger about what I felt out on me. He was downright nasty.
Right now, I don't care if I ever see him or speak to him again.
I don't feel there is much hope for ever salvaging anything with him. Lately I have felt more and more like I need to just completely pull away. I don't want to see him - I don't really want to talk to him. I just feel he is hiding and lying and he has been all along. I mean if he really needs someone to talk to I am sure the little tramp can accomodate him (for a fee). (There's that pesky anger again...LOL).
As for me, bringing this all up just makes me feel sad and small and tired. I don't want to cry, but I am (I am crying right now as I type this)...I feel hopeless and helpless and victimized. I feel like all of the love I poured into this relationship was for naught and I am not the type of person who loves in order to get something in return - I just feel like I poured my soul into this relationship. I feel unloved, unwanted, I feel poor in spirit and in my heart. I am not even sure if I am feeling with my heart because I am pretty sure my heart is broken right now. And underneath - there is all the anger and the self-loathing and the confusion. It's all normal folks, it's all ugly.
Part of it makes me feel like I should just not love anymore. I can love from afar but not close up. I know a lot of us have those issues - the issues with vunerability and letting someone in - letting someone really love us. I don't want that to happen to me (I have never been that way before - I have always been able to give my heart - now I am beginning to wonder if I have done this too freely in the past).
I so desperately want to stay open to this to recognize it as my bruised ego - and to know that love is all around, hope is all around, God is all around and is working even through this to free me and to teach me and to reach me. Part of me does know this - somewhere.
Nice lady - laid back - I actually liked her immediately. She listened but in an active way. SHE PARTICIPATED! I loved that.
I spilled my guts - literally - I don't think I took a breath. It's not that it was easy. I cried in my car afterwards. I think a dam just needed to burst.
We didn't go down the 'childhood path' as I refer to it - that will come later (I am sure)- she merely set me off by asking what brought me there. She got an earful (and a notepad full - she was taking notes)...
Towards the end of my session she said she had to ask me questions for intake purposes. She asked me if I was having a hard time focusing. I laughed and asked her "Well..what do you think?" Then I laughed again and told her that I felt I was lucky I had not jumped off of a building - she knew I was kidding....then I felt bad for having joked about such a thing. But she told me I had been through a lot and that it was surprising I was in as good shape as I was...I am not sure if she was trying to make me feel better. I did apologize for 'dumping' so much in the first session. She also asked me if I was angry. I was honest - yes I am angry. And I want to get to the bottom of that well and try to root it out and put it all in perspective.
During the session I told her I felt like my husband was blaming everything on his depression. (He does). I told her I felt like he was using it almost as a weapon. (I do feel that way).
My husband has been claiming lately that his depression made him do this (sort of the way one would say the devil made them do something). He is not saying what he did was right. He is merely saying he had no control over what he did. That the depression took his ability to choose away - in other words it took away his ability to just say no to having an affair.
Look I am sorry folks I don't mean to come off sounding this way and I REALLY want some comments on this one (a soundcheck - a reality check) - especially from those out there that I know know things about psychology and depression. If a person stops taking their meds,hides the fact that they are off of their meds from their wife and then they have an affair, is it the depression's fault or theirs? My point being that my husband is not a babbling idiot, he is not mad (as in the "Madness of King George"), he is not demented, he is not schizophrenic, he is depressed.
He was cognizant enough to keep a journal (weblog) of what he did (you can refer to my past posts where in the one journal he actually referred to me a his girlfriend not his wife)- so my question is was he so crazy, so depressed, that he actually believed his own lies? Or was it because the little bitch was reading all of his posts and he had to keep the game going? I mean I find this all too cunning for someone who claims they are so depressed. In fact I find it to be borderline personality disorder - not depression. I have close friends who are depressed. One of them when he heard what happened said to me 'When I am depressed I have no energy - I can't imagine having the energy for a wife AND a girlfriend."
I've asked my husband time and time again to talk to me about this subject - to clarify - but all I get from him is that he has no words and that I would not understand (but his girlfriend did!?!?!?) - um ok. On top of this he won't let me talk to his counselor about his own sessions - or even sit in one in order to help me to understand so where does that leave me? As usual in the limbo that has become this relationship. So I challenged him on this recently, and he told me to ask my counselor - she does not know enough yet to answer me in any real depth - nor does she know him - but I can tell you that she seemed to validate my sentiments - )or are they told to do that?)
Later in the day, my husband asked me about my session. I asked him if he really wanted to know what happened and if he really wanted to hear the truth. I told him about the session and how this has all made me feel and now we are not talking. He was very caustic about my feelings. Just shut them right out like they have no place in what's really going on...he took his anger about what I felt out on me. He was downright nasty.
Right now, I don't care if I ever see him or speak to him again.
I don't feel there is much hope for ever salvaging anything with him. Lately I have felt more and more like I need to just completely pull away. I don't want to see him - I don't really want to talk to him. I just feel he is hiding and lying and he has been all along. I mean if he really needs someone to talk to I am sure the little tramp can accomodate him (for a fee). (There's that pesky anger again...LOL).
As for me, bringing this all up just makes me feel sad and small and tired. I don't want to cry, but I am (I am crying right now as I type this)...I feel hopeless and helpless and victimized. I feel like all of the love I poured into this relationship was for naught and I am not the type of person who loves in order to get something in return - I just feel like I poured my soul into this relationship. I feel unloved, unwanted, I feel poor in spirit and in my heart. I am not even sure if I am feeling with my heart because I am pretty sure my heart is broken right now. And underneath - there is all the anger and the self-loathing and the confusion. It's all normal folks, it's all ugly.
Part of it makes me feel like I should just not love anymore. I can love from afar but not close up. I know a lot of us have those issues - the issues with vunerability and letting someone in - letting someone really love us. I don't want that to happen to me (I have never been that way before - I have always been able to give my heart - now I am beginning to wonder if I have done this too freely in the past).
I so desperately want to stay open to this to recognize it as my bruised ego - and to know that love is all around, hope is all around, God is all around and is working even through this to free me and to teach me and to reach me. Part of me does know this - somewhere.
posted by Colette at 5:13 PM
2 Comments:
His behaviour does sound rather Borderline Personality Disorder. From what I've learned about it through Mary Colleen's website, one of the primary things people with this disorder do, is that they disassociate from the effect their behaviour has on others. They don't understand how they are hurting people.
As for your wounded heart, it will heal. You are extremely capable of loving and of being loved. Don't let a horny prick take that away from you.
To learn more about BPD check out this site.
http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/
When you are mentally unbalanced and you go off your meds, your symptoms come back. In his case, he gets depressed. Very real, very serious.
That's where his lack of choice ended. He could have 1) gone back on the meds, 2) sought the solace of his WIFE, 3) sought the counseling of a trained psychiatric professional. He CHOSE to seek out someone else. He CHOSE to lie about it. He CHOSE to shut you out of the process. Being depressed doesn't turn a wife into a girlfriend; nor does it turn an 18 year old into a mistress. All that takes planning and time... and at any point, if he was truly depressed, he could have stayed put and just been depressed. Instead, he actively continued.
I don't know your day-to-day moments with him, so I can't say why he feels "right" in doing what he did... but clearly HE did this. If there were problems with the relationship he could have gone to counseling with you to work it out... or he could have just said he wanted out, and you'd go from there. He didn't have to break the relationship BEFORE it was over.
He violated your trust. So you have the right to feel victimized, to be hurt and to be very , very angry. But you also have the power to heal... in fact, you MUST heal, if you want to win over this adversity. To give up on love, to shut out the rest of the world because of him, makes him the winner... and the rest of the world the loser.
Some lonely, trustworthy man out there is on his way to a life together with you... don't steer away from him before you even meet.
"Keep the Light On" (I mean it)
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