Revelations
So I just went to another counseling session. I am still really happy with this counselor. Our first couple of sessions, we worked on 'intake' stuff, family history, she is very good at being thorough in a short amount of time. This was the first time we got some of the real issues out in the open about my failing marriage.
I have had a long time to think about things. I hate having pre-conceived notions - even in counseling. I told this woman that I just could not accept what my husband was telling me - in fact I feel that he lies so much that maybe I should try and find out his real identity. Perhaps he's lying about who he REALLY is - and in a lot of ways HE IS lying about that. I talked about the 18 year old girl, the myriad of women on the Internet, and the men too. I told her I did not even know if I was sure of my husband's sexual orientation and that I felt I had a right to know about ALL of this stuff. And I do I know I have a right to this knowledge! When you take a vow to be with someone you have a right to know what they are doing - especially if it can be harmful (physically, emotionally) to you. But of course if they are not willing to share such things....
I told her that my husband was trying to blame his 'sickness' for all of this but of course since I don't know what his sickness is or how it manifests itself, I don't know if it's truly being treated. I explained that he went off of his meds without telling me and that he blamed that as well for his actions. He also blamed me for treating him like he was not important because I was too busy studying Yoga or taking care of my kids to make time for him.
She let me go on for a while and then she introduced me to the notion that my husband had addiction problems. She began to tick off traits and scenarios and resistance to being responsible and for all intents and purposes, without ever having met my husband, she began describing his behaviour to a T.
I was reeling - she made me also see how my family history played a role in what was happening in my own marriage (I always knew it had but this time it was more than just an inkling - this actually felt like a slap in the face) - after explaining things and giving me data for a while and actually making useful suggestions on what to do next - she asked me how I felt. I actually felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I burst into tears. I only had 5 minutes left of this session and I was crying like a baby. Oh Goddess help me...
I know I need this. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He won't buy into any of this. Not a single word, not a single idea - he does not have a single clue, he can't even buy a clue. He probably never will. I have to get to the point where that is ok with me. Loving detachment. Hard, so very hard. I begin to tell myself I can't love him any more because it hurts too much to love someone like him. I just can't...
She suggested going to an Al-Anon meeting. However since his problem more specifically seems to deal with being out of control with his sexual impulses - I need to hunt down an
S-ANON meeting. I have. He is not just addicted to sex, he is addicted to things that keep him from facing his reality, his problems, his issues. The problem is that being addicted to sex and having those impulses be out of control is really dangerous (not that alcoholism/drugs isn't). My dad was an alcoholic, he cheated on my mom, his alcohol did not help put her in an early grave per se, but his breaking her heart by cheating on her did (I am sure the drinking played a role in all of it). Today though, there's AIDs, STDs - I don't want to die. I mean if he drinks that's not ME drinking - but if he's having sex with others behind my back then ultimately *I* am having sex with those people too. If he were on alcohol - I don't know somehow I feel more able to 'deal' with that (don't ask me why) - this somehow feels more 'manageable' to me.
And now comes the time for me to question these things. I agree with what she is suggesting - unfortunately she began by saying her specialty is handling people dealing with addictions and their loved ones (Was that an advertisement?) Here's my problem, sex is something that guys like, right? (Women too but guys seem to have more urges than we do). How is he suppose to stop being addicted to that? I know it's the inappropriateness of what he does - his lack of control that's out of whack here - but still. It's not like alcohol. Addiction, is addiction, is addiction. I suppose sex can be as dangerous and heady a substance as heroin (especially sex with an 18 year old girl). It's just that sex is so integral to a lot of relationships. It's very hard for me (yet again) to try to wrap my mind around this - perhaps a meeting will help, and I plan to go to one (I was told to go to at least 6 meetings). I guess I am just feeling that when he went off of his meds, couldn't this have just caused him to go out of control? Does it really mean he's an addict. See I always viewed it as him being manic-depressive and not being on the right meds for it...but this is a horse of a different colour. Totally.
I am familiar with the 12-steps. I like the program - it does work. I guess part of the key here is his blaming everyone and everything but himself for his own actions, his living in denial, his constant lies. I mean my counselor gave me closure because without saying it SHE basically made me see that yes indeed he DID have sex with that girl (and probably a lot of other things I don't even want to think about with who knows who) - and so where does that leave me? Right now I am feeling sick to my stomach (I thought I was past that feeling).
She told me not to make ANY decision now. To NOT file divorce papers because I am so confused and hurt right now. She told me that people DO save their marriages when they have these issues. I just don't see how.
I am signing off as lost tonight. Say some prayers for me. Say some prayers for him. Say some prayers for all of the people in the world that are suffering in one form or another from this disease. Pray for a cure.
I have had a long time to think about things. I hate having pre-conceived notions - even in counseling. I told this woman that I just could not accept what my husband was telling me - in fact I feel that he lies so much that maybe I should try and find out his real identity. Perhaps he's lying about who he REALLY is - and in a lot of ways HE IS lying about that. I talked about the 18 year old girl, the myriad of women on the Internet, and the men too. I told her I did not even know if I was sure of my husband's sexual orientation and that I felt I had a right to know about ALL of this stuff. And I do I know I have a right to this knowledge! When you take a vow to be with someone you have a right to know what they are doing - especially if it can be harmful (physically, emotionally) to you. But of course if they are not willing to share such things....
I told her that my husband was trying to blame his 'sickness' for all of this but of course since I don't know what his sickness is or how it manifests itself, I don't know if it's truly being treated. I explained that he went off of his meds without telling me and that he blamed that as well for his actions. He also blamed me for treating him like he was not important because I was too busy studying Yoga or taking care of my kids to make time for him.
She let me go on for a while and then she introduced me to the notion that my husband had addiction problems. She began to tick off traits and scenarios and resistance to being responsible and for all intents and purposes, without ever having met my husband, she began describing his behaviour to a T.
I was reeling - she made me also see how my family history played a role in what was happening in my own marriage (I always knew it had but this time it was more than just an inkling - this actually felt like a slap in the face) - after explaining things and giving me data for a while and actually making useful suggestions on what to do next - she asked me how I felt. I actually felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I burst into tears. I only had 5 minutes left of this session and I was crying like a baby. Oh Goddess help me...
I know I need this. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He won't buy into any of this. Not a single word, not a single idea - he does not have a single clue, he can't even buy a clue. He probably never will. I have to get to the point where that is ok with me. Loving detachment. Hard, so very hard. I begin to tell myself I can't love him any more because it hurts too much to love someone like him. I just can't...
She suggested going to an Al-Anon meeting. However since his problem more specifically seems to deal with being out of control with his sexual impulses - I need to hunt down an
S-ANON meeting. I have. He is not just addicted to sex, he is addicted to things that keep him from facing his reality, his problems, his issues. The problem is that being addicted to sex and having those impulses be out of control is really dangerous (not that alcoholism/drugs isn't). My dad was an alcoholic, he cheated on my mom, his alcohol did not help put her in an early grave per se, but his breaking her heart by cheating on her did (I am sure the drinking played a role in all of it). Today though, there's AIDs, STDs - I don't want to die. I mean if he drinks that's not ME drinking - but if he's having sex with others behind my back then ultimately *I* am having sex with those people too. If he were on alcohol - I don't know somehow I feel more able to 'deal' with that (don't ask me why) - this somehow feels more 'manageable' to me.
And now comes the time for me to question these things. I agree with what she is suggesting - unfortunately she began by saying her specialty is handling people dealing with addictions and their loved ones (Was that an advertisement?) Here's my problem, sex is something that guys like, right? (Women too but guys seem to have more urges than we do). How is he suppose to stop being addicted to that? I know it's the inappropriateness of what he does - his lack of control that's out of whack here - but still. It's not like alcohol. Addiction, is addiction, is addiction. I suppose sex can be as dangerous and heady a substance as heroin (especially sex with an 18 year old girl). It's just that sex is so integral to a lot of relationships. It's very hard for me (yet again) to try to wrap my mind around this - perhaps a meeting will help, and I plan to go to one (I was told to go to at least 6 meetings). I guess I am just feeling that when he went off of his meds, couldn't this have just caused him to go out of control? Does it really mean he's an addict. See I always viewed it as him being manic-depressive and not being on the right meds for it...but this is a horse of a different colour. Totally.
I am familiar with the 12-steps. I like the program - it does work. I guess part of the key here is his blaming everyone and everything but himself for his own actions, his living in denial, his constant lies. I mean my counselor gave me closure because without saying it SHE basically made me see that yes indeed he DID have sex with that girl (and probably a lot of other things I don't even want to think about with who knows who) - and so where does that leave me? Right now I am feeling sick to my stomach (I thought I was past that feeling).
She told me not to make ANY decision now. To NOT file divorce papers because I am so confused and hurt right now. She told me that people DO save their marriages when they have these issues. I just don't see how.
I am signing off as lost tonight. Say some prayers for me. Say some prayers for him. Say some prayers for all of the people in the world that are suffering in one form or another from this disease. Pray for a cure.
1 Comments:
*hugs* I'm sorry that the sesson took such a beating to you. You know you're free to call me when you're upset like this. You're one of my greatest friends and I wanna be there for you. I hope you're doing better. Take Care ~ Heather
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