Not yet...not now
This is not something you want - not yet.
A new person to discover, to learn about, to fall into...
NO! not yet. It's not right and there's too many reasons right now not to do this - not to yourself - nor to anyone else....
There are WAY too many reasons to not get into this. There is a caution, a fear, you are frightened because - well because of a lot of reasons - not the least of which is a very real concern that won't/can't be written down here.
And yet...you like this man.
He is DIFFERENT.
He is quiet and introspective and DIFFERENT.
He is all angles, and dark, and DIFFERENT, and a puzzle and you want to crack him open like a nut and see what is inside but you are afraid to for fear of dissapointment. And it's not just the fear of dissapointment on YOUR end of the relationship - it's all the little secrets you don't want him to know about you - the discovery phase. You are just not up for that and you don't know if you ever will be again EVER...
There are those THINGS - things you think about like your body and how it looks now, after childbirth and age settling in, draping itself over you, and not being as flat-bellied as you want to be. It all becomes a hindrance - the physicality of it all. And you begin thinking of body parts and detachment - becuase you don't want to find that tenderness and you don't want it found on you either. The nape of a neck, the back of a knee, the arch of a foot, the closeness, the hush, the whisper, the breath...all too close...all too human...all too imperfect.
He suggests things like long talks and thanks you for no reason at all...and you want to have those long talks - because it's rare - like a wine that's meant to be savoured. The wine is smooth going down but there is a slight burn to it as well, the warmth of the alcohol, the headiness of the buzz....
He's told you no expectations, in order for you to relax, to breathe, to not have to put a name to this...whatever it is. And he gives you a 'friendly' hug (because he knows you are so fragile right now), and it's so gentle and yet so warm and all emcompassing and you just want to collapse into it, melt into it, be engulfed by it and drown...
But something isn't letting you...not yet.
A new person to discover, to learn about, to fall into...
NO! not yet. It's not right and there's too many reasons right now not to do this - not to yourself - nor to anyone else....
There are WAY too many reasons to not get into this. There is a caution, a fear, you are frightened because - well because of a lot of reasons - not the least of which is a very real concern that won't/can't be written down here.
And yet...you like this man.
He is DIFFERENT.
He is quiet and introspective and DIFFERENT.
He is all angles, and dark, and DIFFERENT, and a puzzle and you want to crack him open like a nut and see what is inside but you are afraid to for fear of dissapointment. And it's not just the fear of dissapointment on YOUR end of the relationship - it's all the little secrets you don't want him to know about you - the discovery phase. You are just not up for that and you don't know if you ever will be again EVER...
There are those THINGS - things you think about like your body and how it looks now, after childbirth and age settling in, draping itself over you, and not being as flat-bellied as you want to be. It all becomes a hindrance - the physicality of it all. And you begin thinking of body parts and detachment - becuase you don't want to find that tenderness and you don't want it found on you either. The nape of a neck, the back of a knee, the arch of a foot, the closeness, the hush, the whisper, the breath...all too close...all too human...all too imperfect.
He suggests things like long talks and thanks you for no reason at all...and you want to have those long talks - because it's rare - like a wine that's meant to be savoured. The wine is smooth going down but there is a slight burn to it as well, the warmth of the alcohol, the headiness of the buzz....
He's told you no expectations, in order for you to relax, to breathe, to not have to put a name to this...whatever it is. And he gives you a 'friendly' hug (because he knows you are so fragile right now), and it's so gentle and yet so warm and all emcompassing and you just want to collapse into it, melt into it, be engulfed by it and drown...
But something isn't letting you...not yet.
2 Comments:
Not yet, no but... sounds like he might stick around until you can, and truly want to.
And won't that just make it that much sweeter a surrender?
Lovely, Colette. Just lovely.
Diana
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