Streaming consciousness
Still life – thoughts/pictures in my brain…’things that go to make up a life’.
My son, playing guitar, showing me new songs he’s created….talking with me about his future, about books, about music, about his hair (worried he’s losing his hair), he is so young, so determined, so stubborn, so intense...love wells up inside of me and pride at what I've helped create.
My daughter, being with her, watching her with her own children, worry, constant worry about her health, about the kids, about their future. Talk but only of ‘surface’ things, safe subjects, hoping she does not lose herself to her duties, yearning to catch glimpses of the ‘old’ her, head strong and funny and irreverent. Love is there sometimes hiding amongst the ruble of what was the past between us...
E – being with him now, the newness, the shared times, the sacred fire between us, the talking/conversation, the laughter, the joy, the acting like kids, the wrestling, the passion, the heat, the desire, the watching movies, eating together, going to events, planning things in the future, the fear that it may all end as quickly as it’s begun, the old ‘tapes’ playing in my head that cause doubt, fear, worry and hoping against hope not to keep listening to those tapes – wanting to create something new now, trying to reconcile the differences in ages, in having kids that are young and starting ‘all over again’ – do I really want to get involved in ALL that this is going to be? Will his kids like me? Will I like them? Should I back off, not fall in love (LOL how do you stop yourself from falling in love?), should I run and hide?
The ex – the sadness/sorrow, pain, anger, pity, wanting him to be well, to thrive, to leave me the fuck alone for once and for all.
My work with Yoga, the excitement of being able to use Yoga as a healing practice and touch so many lives, the feelings of being able to help others, the time with my students, the frustrations with them/with myself, wanting to learn more, wanting to do this full time, brief conversations with E- about a combined studio (martial arts/Yoga) excitement about all of that, wanting to take a Yoga retreat/vacation, wanting to practice more myself – get thee to a class woman! Wanting to teach children in the inner city (and their parents) how to cope, the constant engaging and love of self, and life-long commitment to this as a vocation…
My work in general at the ‘day job’ being able to practice ‘right livelihood’ by helping others to help others – yes it’s a bit convoluted. The frustrations of dealing with a big institution and feeling like a insignificant cog in the working of that machinery...dealing with idiots all the time, wanting to sometime run out screaming – or take a permanent vacation from work.
My friends, the old ones, the new ones, the ones I’ve yet to meet, the feeling that I don’t get to see ANY of them as much as I want to, the feeling that maybe I am not the best friend I could/should be, that I want to give more, that I want to help more, that I want to learn more and that I want to keep making new friends all over the universe…the grace that they have all ushered into my life, my thankfulness for their presence in my life.
All the things I have to do, constantly humming, the books I want to read, the music I want to hear, the places I want to see, the not enough hours in the day for all of it, the feeling that I am loved, cherished, and have wonderful friends and family, that I am blessed that I am rediscovering myself and feeling renewed because of the love in my life – as if I had never been loved like this before (and I haven’t), the moments of peaceful contemplation, the moments of prayer, of sheer joy, of sorrow and loss...
...all that goes to make up my life.
Just amazing...
My son, playing guitar, showing me new songs he’s created….talking with me about his future, about books, about music, about his hair (worried he’s losing his hair), he is so young, so determined, so stubborn, so intense...love wells up inside of me and pride at what I've helped create.
My daughter, being with her, watching her with her own children, worry, constant worry about her health, about the kids, about their future. Talk but only of ‘surface’ things, safe subjects, hoping she does not lose herself to her duties, yearning to catch glimpses of the ‘old’ her, head strong and funny and irreverent. Love is there sometimes hiding amongst the ruble of what was the past between us...
E – being with him now, the newness, the shared times, the sacred fire between us, the talking/conversation, the laughter, the joy, the acting like kids, the wrestling, the passion, the heat, the desire, the watching movies, eating together, going to events, planning things in the future, the fear that it may all end as quickly as it’s begun, the old ‘tapes’ playing in my head that cause doubt, fear, worry and hoping against hope not to keep listening to those tapes – wanting to create something new now, trying to reconcile the differences in ages, in having kids that are young and starting ‘all over again’ – do I really want to get involved in ALL that this is going to be? Will his kids like me? Will I like them? Should I back off, not fall in love (LOL how do you stop yourself from falling in love?), should I run and hide?
The ex – the sadness/sorrow, pain, anger, pity, wanting him to be well, to thrive, to leave me the fuck alone for once and for all.
My work with Yoga, the excitement of being able to use Yoga as a healing practice and touch so many lives, the feelings of being able to help others, the time with my students, the frustrations with them/with myself, wanting to learn more, wanting to do this full time, brief conversations with E- about a combined studio (martial arts/Yoga) excitement about all of that, wanting to take a Yoga retreat/vacation, wanting to practice more myself – get thee to a class woman! Wanting to teach children in the inner city (and their parents) how to cope, the constant engaging and love of self, and life-long commitment to this as a vocation…
My work in general at the ‘day job’ being able to practice ‘right livelihood’ by helping others to help others – yes it’s a bit convoluted. The frustrations of dealing with a big institution and feeling like a insignificant cog in the working of that machinery...dealing with idiots all the time, wanting to sometime run out screaming – or take a permanent vacation from work.
My friends, the old ones, the new ones, the ones I’ve yet to meet, the feeling that I don’t get to see ANY of them as much as I want to, the feeling that maybe I am not the best friend I could/should be, that I want to give more, that I want to help more, that I want to learn more and that I want to keep making new friends all over the universe…the grace that they have all ushered into my life, my thankfulness for their presence in my life.
All the things I have to do, constantly humming, the books I want to read, the music I want to hear, the places I want to see, the not enough hours in the day for all of it, the feeling that I am loved, cherished, and have wonderful friends and family, that I am blessed that I am rediscovering myself and feeling renewed because of the love in my life – as if I had never been loved like this before (and I haven’t), the moments of peaceful contemplation, the moments of prayer, of sheer joy, of sorrow and loss...
...all that goes to make up my life.
Just amazing...
posted by Colette at 1:51 PM
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