Getting 'Unstuck'
Trying to free myself of the muck and mire from my past.
Yesterday, my ex called me. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I know he is calling – but sometimes because of the way my phone works or because I am on another line, I don’t always know if it’s him calling me.
I can deal with him (at times) in small doses – but I’d rather avoid it because he plays head games and still tries to be manipulative and ‘stalks’ me…..
He was calling basically to share ‘good news’ that he now had been hired on full time and he was entitled to benefits. This is all good and I was happy to hear this. I don’t wish ill upon him. He asked if he could see me – I said no. Then he said:
“I found out that You” (meaning ME) “were entitled to 10 free counseling visits when we were married”
At first I did not understand his implications – then I realized he was chastising me because WE did not go get enough counseling.
I sat there for a minute letting it sink in – then I asked him if he was going to go get help for himself – he said yes – then he had to get off the phone.
I sat there….letting it sink in more.
Then I became livid; actually violently livid. This mother-fucking-asshole was implying that somehow *I* did not do enough when it came to counseling and getting US help. When HE was the one who went off of his meds. HE then lied about that. HE refused to go get ANY help. Then when we finally reached critical mass near the end of the relationship and we did go get counseling, HE refused to acknowledge the fact that since HE went off of his depressions meds that really NO ONE could help him – least of all us because his manic-depressive-BPD-bi-polar disorder would not allow anyone to deal with HIM rationally. HE then stated to all of us sitting in the session that we were ‘ganging up on him…’
A week later I found out he was screwing an 18 year old and trying to make it with 75 other people (men, women, and other couples). The rest as they say is history.
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
First of all anyone who knows me and knows what I went through in that marriage, knows how hard I tried. I am not trying to give myself a pat on the back here or earn good-deed ‘brownie points’. I truly wanted him to get well and I truly wanted our marriage to work.
How dare he sound accusatory of me having 10 free visits and implying I didn’t do enough. I mean he did not come out and say this and perhaps I read the wrong thing into it – but when you are with a person for a decade you know how they think, how they operate and he was always insidious and always blaming everyone BUT HIM – he was always trying to pass the buck and he was always manipulative, using emotional blackmail.
I had to go teach a Yoga class not long after this conversation – I was able to make it through the class. But then I felt like crap emotionally.
Went to Erin’s and hit rock bottom. Just closed down emotionally. I did not even want to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting him. Finally I did – I was really upset and it really put us both through the wringer.
I am sick of this. I am sick of giving this man that kind of power over me. It’s my own damn fault for allowing this to happen.
I am stronger than this. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing love/man in that life and I am not going to let this tear me down. I know I am over-reacting to this and I need to stop.
Why do we do shit like this to ourselves??????
(*groans*)
Yesterday, my ex called me. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I know he is calling – but sometimes because of the way my phone works or because I am on another line, I don’t always know if it’s him calling me.
I can deal with him (at times) in small doses – but I’d rather avoid it because he plays head games and still tries to be manipulative and ‘stalks’ me…..
He was calling basically to share ‘good news’ that he now had been hired on full time and he was entitled to benefits. This is all good and I was happy to hear this. I don’t wish ill upon him. He asked if he could see me – I said no. Then he said:
“I found out that You” (meaning ME) “were entitled to 10 free counseling visits when we were married”
At first I did not understand his implications – then I realized he was chastising me because WE did not go get enough counseling.
I sat there for a minute letting it sink in – then I asked him if he was going to go get help for himself – he said yes – then he had to get off the phone.
I sat there….letting it sink in more.
Then I became livid; actually violently livid. This mother-fucking-asshole was implying that somehow *I* did not do enough when it came to counseling and getting US help. When HE was the one who went off of his meds. HE then lied about that. HE refused to go get ANY help. Then when we finally reached critical mass near the end of the relationship and we did go get counseling, HE refused to acknowledge the fact that since HE went off of his depressions meds that really NO ONE could help him – least of all us because his manic-depressive-BPD-bi-polar disorder would not allow anyone to deal with HIM rationally. HE then stated to all of us sitting in the session that we were ‘ganging up on him…’
A week later I found out he was screwing an 18 year old and trying to make it with 75 other people (men, women, and other couples). The rest as they say is history.
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
First of all anyone who knows me and knows what I went through in that marriage, knows how hard I tried. I am not trying to give myself a pat on the back here or earn good-deed ‘brownie points’. I truly wanted him to get well and I truly wanted our marriage to work.
How dare he sound accusatory of me having 10 free visits and implying I didn’t do enough. I mean he did not come out and say this and perhaps I read the wrong thing into it – but when you are with a person for a decade you know how they think, how they operate and he was always insidious and always blaming everyone BUT HIM – he was always trying to pass the buck and he was always manipulative, using emotional blackmail.
I had to go teach a Yoga class not long after this conversation – I was able to make it through the class. But then I felt like crap emotionally.
Went to Erin’s and hit rock bottom. Just closed down emotionally. I did not even want to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting him. Finally I did – I was really upset and it really put us both through the wringer.
I am sick of this. I am sick of giving this man that kind of power over me. It’s my own damn fault for allowing this to happen.
I am stronger than this. I have a wonderful life. I have an amazing love/man in that life and I am not going to let this tear me down. I know I am over-reacting to this and I need to stop.
Why do we do shit like this to ourselves??????
(*groans*)
Labels: Rants, relationships, The Past
posted by Colette at 3:34 PM
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