I want out of this
I really do want out. I want to stop all of this. I need to stop being addicted to this relationship. I need a new life. A happier existence. I need to lose the excess baggage (yep about 195 pounds of it - I think that's what he weighs these days..)
I say things to him - it falls on deaf ears - both literally and figuratively. It's like I am living in a vacuum with him. He is so wrapped up in his own pain and sickness (and that's ok for him - he should be doing what he needs to do for him) - so I end up having to muddle through somehow. I am not doing well with all of this.
I want to meet a man, I want to be taken out, I want to be made to feel that I come first. I want someone to want me, to long for me. He claims that all of the things he wrote about her on the blog and all of his feelings were due to his sickness and, I am guessing, he wants me to believe that they weren't real. But by that logic how could *any* o f his feelings be true, including those for me? He wants me to believe that he invited a 19 year old girl to his apartment offered to let her sleep there overnight, and NOTHING happened? Come on - I am suppose to believe this shit? Trust me when I say no one believes him. He wants me to write down my longings and yearnings on 'our' blog - OK here's a longing - get the hell away from me! Leave me alone - go get yourself some help and call me when you are done. He claims that *we* didn't get help and he uses this to excuse his behavoiur - it makes me want to vomit. What kids of a fool is this guy. Using an excuse like - 'well my wife and I didn't get help so I started to see an 18 year old girl behind her back - because I wasn't getting my needs met...I was hurt etc...' boo-fucking hoo spyder_boi. For the last time GROW UP!
Then there's the constant snide comments about my kids, my ex-husband. I mean who does this loser think he is? How dare he! I am at the end of my rope. I have never in my life had such conflicting feelings. He also claims I am putting him on a roller-coaster ride - but he built the roller-coaster. Does he think I am not up and down all the time?
Things I have not done since this all happened:
1. Gone to a Yoga class for myself
2. Really read anything more than a paragraph or a page from a book
3. Concentrate on my work
4. Concentrate on my studies
5. Concentrate on my teaching
6. Get really drunk - because I am afraid to do so
7. Laugh (really laugh)
Things I need to do now:
1. Go see my attorney and get papers filed
2. Go out on a date with a decent human being
3. Go to Yoga class
4. Read a good book
5. Stop crying over all of this
6. Laugh, really laugh again
7. Concentrate on my work and teaching
8. Walk away (no make that run away)
Perhaps one day - he will get better - until then I need to keep my distance. I can't keep getting drawn into this drama - I need to end it before it kills me or makes me do something I will never be able to take back. All I want is peace.
I say things to him - it falls on deaf ears - both literally and figuratively. It's like I am living in a vacuum with him. He is so wrapped up in his own pain and sickness (and that's ok for him - he should be doing what he needs to do for him) - so I end up having to muddle through somehow. I am not doing well with all of this.
I want to meet a man, I want to be taken out, I want to be made to feel that I come first. I want someone to want me, to long for me. He claims that all of the things he wrote about her on the blog and all of his feelings were due to his sickness and, I am guessing, he wants me to believe that they weren't real. But by that logic how could *any* o f his feelings be true, including those for me? He wants me to believe that he invited a 19 year old girl to his apartment offered to let her sleep there overnight, and NOTHING happened? Come on - I am suppose to believe this shit? Trust me when I say no one believes him. He wants me to write down my longings and yearnings on 'our' blog - OK here's a longing - get the hell away from me! Leave me alone - go get yourself some help and call me when you are done. He claims that *we* didn't get help and he uses this to excuse his behavoiur - it makes me want to vomit. What kids of a fool is this guy. Using an excuse like - 'well my wife and I didn't get help so I started to see an 18 year old girl behind her back - because I wasn't getting my needs met...I was hurt etc...' boo-fucking hoo spyder_boi. For the last time GROW UP!
Then there's the constant snide comments about my kids, my ex-husband. I mean who does this loser think he is? How dare he! I am at the end of my rope. I have never in my life had such conflicting feelings. He also claims I am putting him on a roller-coaster ride - but he built the roller-coaster. Does he think I am not up and down all the time?
Things I have not done since this all happened:
1. Gone to a Yoga class for myself
2. Really read anything more than a paragraph or a page from a book
3. Concentrate on my work
4. Concentrate on my studies
5. Concentrate on my teaching
6. Get really drunk - because I am afraid to do so
7. Laugh (really laugh)
Things I need to do now:
1. Go see my attorney and get papers filed
2. Go out on a date with a decent human being
3. Go to Yoga class
4. Read a good book
5. Stop crying over all of this
6. Laugh, really laugh again
7. Concentrate on my work and teaching
8. Walk away (no make that run away)
Perhaps one day - he will get better - until then I need to keep my distance. I can't keep getting drawn into this drama - I need to end it before it kills me or makes me do something I will never be able to take back. All I want is peace.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home