And then there is monstrous behaviour...
So back the the 'theme' of my blog. If I had to go to a therapy session tomorrow to try to save my marriage I probably wouldn't. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe him either. Oh sure I believe he is depressed (so are millions of others who don't use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses). I believe he has a hard time with life *snort* right who the hell DOESN'T??? But do I WANT to save this marriage - not too sure really....
Here are some of the things that just kill me about him and this crap. He had this 'DORKLAND" blog set up way before I found out about 'them'. So in the midst of this all I am finding out, and kicking him out. Does he miss a beat on his blog?No way! Now he would tell you he uses it to relieve his stress - but I mean come on! If my wife found out I was bopping an 18 year old and then kicked me out - I doubt I'd be at a level where I could post. Continuing in this vein, he is either truly insane. (like schizo) or another great actor. Because aside from a boo-hoo (crying) every now and then...at least to my eyes - he takes all this in stride. He keeps on with his gaming - again stress relief, going out with his gaming buddy, his writing etc. I mean I am glad he is not paralyzed from all of this - but how bad could it really be hurting him. And yes dear reader I want him to be hurt. Cruel but true.
And then of course there is his total obliviousness to what's going on with me, how I feel about all of this, his inability to be a grown up and take care of the things he needs to take care of - like getting a new job. No he would rather get on line and do whatever it is he is really doing on line than look for a job. So *I* looked at jobs today and he wants me to give them to him - but why the hell should I??? Again I am just enabling him and I can't do that anymore. Getting him his meds is one thing - I mean I work at a hospital but this stuff...no I just can't.
And last but not least; I don't know what he is doing - I truly don't and that is where everything begins to fall apart and any slim (and I do mean slim) hope of us getting back together begins to unravel. Because I don't trust him as far as I can throw a building and I never will. I don't believe him - not a word he says. Not when he tells me he did not sleep with her and not even when he tells me he loves me. I mean on some level I am sure he *thinks* he loves me...but it's not love. Because love is unselfish, love is kind, love is patient (don't mean to quote the bible here, but..), he has no clue about love - not real love.
So for now I take my distance, I keep to myself. I won't talk to him (if I can help it), I won't write to him. I won't post to 'our' blog. I will avoid him like he is the plague that he seems to have. During this time I am going to think, think, think and try to figure out if I really need to be with this man at all. I am going to try to post some of our history - a retelling of our romance and perhaps try to see what it was I fell in love with in the first place. I am not sure that is even going to make a difference because all of that is gone now too. I've been having nightmares about all of this and I just have to put an end to things for now - to keep some measure of my soul and my heart intact - jut in case someone worthy comes along to give myself to - someone who knows what love is truly.
Here are some of the things that just kill me about him and this crap. He had this 'DORKLAND" blog set up way before I found out about 'them'. So in the midst of this all I am finding out, and kicking him out. Does he miss a beat on his blog?No way! Now he would tell you he uses it to relieve his stress - but I mean come on! If my wife found out I was bopping an 18 year old and then kicked me out - I doubt I'd be at a level where I could post. Continuing in this vein, he is either truly insane. (like schizo) or another great actor. Because aside from a boo-hoo (crying) every now and then...at least to my eyes - he takes all this in stride. He keeps on with his gaming - again stress relief, going out with his gaming buddy, his writing etc. I mean I am glad he is not paralyzed from all of this - but how bad could it really be hurting him. And yes dear reader I want him to be hurt. Cruel but true.
And then of course there is his total obliviousness to what's going on with me, how I feel about all of this, his inability to be a grown up and take care of the things he needs to take care of - like getting a new job. No he would rather get on line and do whatever it is he is really doing on line than look for a job. So *I* looked at jobs today and he wants me to give them to him - but why the hell should I??? Again I am just enabling him and I can't do that anymore. Getting him his meds is one thing - I mean I work at a hospital but this stuff...no I just can't.
And last but not least; I don't know what he is doing - I truly don't and that is where everything begins to fall apart and any slim (and I do mean slim) hope of us getting back together begins to unravel. Because I don't trust him as far as I can throw a building and I never will. I don't believe him - not a word he says. Not when he tells me he did not sleep with her and not even when he tells me he loves me. I mean on some level I am sure he *thinks* he loves me...but it's not love. Because love is unselfish, love is kind, love is patient (don't mean to quote the bible here, but..), he has no clue about love - not real love.
So for now I take my distance, I keep to myself. I won't talk to him (if I can help it), I won't write to him. I won't post to 'our' blog. I will avoid him like he is the plague that he seems to have. During this time I am going to think, think, think and try to figure out if I really need to be with this man at all. I am going to try to post some of our history - a retelling of our romance and perhaps try to see what it was I fell in love with in the first place. I am not sure that is even going to make a difference because all of that is gone now too. I've been having nightmares about all of this and I just have to put an end to things for now - to keep some measure of my soul and my heart intact - jut in case someone worthy comes along to give myself to - someone who knows what love is truly.
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