Monday, February 16, 2004

And then there is monstrous behaviour...

So back the the 'theme' of my blog. If I had to go to a therapy session tomorrow to try to save my marriage I probably wouldn't. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe him either. Oh sure I believe he is depressed (so are millions of others who don't use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses). I believe he has a hard time with life *snort* right who the hell DOESN'T??? But do I WANT to save this marriage - not too sure really....

Here are some of the things that just kill me about him and this crap. He had this 'DORKLAND" blog set up way before I found out about 'them'. So in the midst of this all I am finding out, and kicking him out. Does he miss a beat on his blog?No way! Now he would tell you he uses it to relieve his stress - but I mean come on! If my wife found out I was bopping an 18 year old and then kicked me out - I doubt I'd be at a level where I could post. Continuing in this vein, he is either truly insane. (like schizo) or another great actor. Because aside from a boo-hoo (crying) every now and then...at least to my eyes - he takes all this in stride. He keeps on with his gaming - again stress relief, going out with his gaming buddy, his writing etc. I mean I am glad he is not paralyzed from all of this - but how bad could it really be hurting him. And yes dear reader I want him to be hurt. Cruel but true.
And then of course there is his total obliviousness to what's going on with me, how I feel about all of this, his inability to be a grown up and take care of the things he needs to take care of - like getting a new job. No he would rather get on line and do whatever it is he is really doing on line than look for a job. So *I* looked at jobs today and he wants me to give them to him - but why the hell should I??? Again I am just enabling him and I can't do that anymore. Getting him his meds is one thing - I mean I work at a hospital but this stuff...no I just can't.

And last but not least; I don't know what he is doing - I truly don't and that is where everything begins to fall apart and any slim (and I do mean slim) hope of us getting back together begins to unravel. Because I don't trust him as far as I can throw a building and I never will. I don't believe him - not a word he says. Not when he tells me he did not sleep with her and not even when he tells me he loves me. I mean on some level I am sure he *thinks* he loves me...but it's not love. Because love is unselfish, love is kind, love is patient (don't mean to quote the bible here, but..), he has no clue about love - not real love.

So for now I take my distance, I keep to myself. I won't talk to him (if I can help it), I won't write to him. I won't post to 'our' blog. I will avoid him like he is the plague that he seems to have. During this time I am going to think, think, think and try to figure out if I really need to be with this man at all. I am going to try to post some of our history - a retelling of our romance and perhaps try to see what it was I fell in love with in the first place. I am not sure that is even going to make a difference because all of that is gone now too. I've been having nightmares about all of this and I just have to put an end to things for now - to keep some measure of my soul and my heart intact - jut in case someone worthy comes along to give myself to - someone who knows what love is truly.

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