Thursday, February 26, 2004

Letter to Tribe




I am sorry I was not much fun to 'play' with last night. I went to bed crying...
This is all so hard on me. I just don't know anything anymore. And please don't feel bad - it's ok that I don't know.

I don't feel that I have to have a man to be complete. I have always been very, almost fiercely independent and that turns men off.

You would seriously have to live here, in Cleveland, to know the dating scene. I do much better if I get introduced to someone at a function and sparks fly. I am just not one to go 'out there' even if it is to just hang with people - I am just not that type of person. The dating scene here in Cleveland is so weird. I mean at least in New York City I'd stand a chance (in fact I have been toying with moving there after my son graduates)...but here even at the more sophistocated places to hang there is this void - I can't even explain it and men who are the age I am looking for - because I don't really want to be with 'young' men anymore - have already had their families, they don't want complications and I have a LOT of those.

Ultimately I don't think I really want to be with anyone - when I married Dreamer I told a friend if it did not work out that this was it for me - I mean sure I can have friends, even a companion - but love again? Full blown, hard tilt, head-over-heels love? No I don't think so. I mean don't get me wrong, there is a reason why I go by the name Colette - there is a reason why I love Anais Nin - but my ideas about love, romance, and/or relationships don't fit into or correspond with other people's - so I'd rather not go through all the heartache and pain. And I am really not trying to be bitter - I just don't think after a while there is anything wrong with solitude - it does the soul good and frankly my soul means more to me than my ego and that's all that love ends up being with most people - just another way to stroke an out-of-control ego. Most people don't have a clue as to what true love is..and I am not in the mood to educate these soon-to-be over-the-hill professionals who didn't get it right the first time because they were more interested in making money, a trophy wife and a flashy car than 'real' love. Oh sure, they might be looking for 'real' love NOW - but old habits die hard. As I said to someone once - (this is a quote from 'Waiting to Exhale") - I want a self-actualized man. But they don't seem to be anywhere to be found.

I went on a date recently - with a guy I knew - had known for a while...it was nice - he was funny and charming and he is very very smart - but there was no spark. And he is so busy that we can hardly ever hook up - I don't feel like chasing him down and so call me lazy - but I don't see it progressing. I've begun to realise that it all doesn't matter that much - it really doesn't.

You are so kind and so sweet and so much fun to talk to - and it makes me content to have people like you on my side and in my corner - and believe me Tribe I have a great support network here - so don't worry too much - I will survive as they say - if I could ask you for one thing - it would be to say a little prayer for me - keep positive thoughts coming out to me - that's all I need.

As ever,
Colette

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

Photobucket