Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Sleepless nights

I am taking a break for a moment to comment on my Dreamer's lack of sleep. Dreamer seems like such a misnomer at times like this. I truly feel bad for him - sleep deprivation can be damaging and tortuous as well as dangerous. I am hoping he gets some rest soon. He needs it - we both do.

I know in my heart that it is his depression and this is a major symptom of depression. But, the part of me that is angry, the part of me that does not care, thinks it is his conscience, and perhaps it is a bit of both. Somehow I think until he makes things right, until karma comes around to bite him back - that it will be this way for him. Unless of course he succumbs to the need for sleeping aids. I keep wanting to tell him that he will never experience the sleep of the innocent, of the just as long as he keeps lying, as long as he does not come clean. I wonder if he can look at himself in the mirror.

Part of me feels he will never make it right. And part of me thinks it takes our good friend Karma lifetimes to catch up to people and their sins...

The letters I am sharing provide a glimpse into our love - it was what all the letters seem to spell out. Passionate and intense, there was real longing and yearning for each other. I want the writing to speak for itself without embellishment. And part of why this all hurts so much is that I thought for the longest time that I was the ONLY one that he felt this way about. But our past is fraught with his infidelity in word, in deed and most likely in his heart and mind. So if you are reading all of this, know that I took them to heart - but I am not sure if he was being really honest or just using me to hone his writing skills. The romantic Colette in me wants so much to believe that he meant every word, every syllable. I know that I have a lot of letters from him - but I also know that he wrote to other women - including Erin/Aurora - and this breaks my heart.

But please, I digress, I want the letters and poetry from both of us to be as beautiful as they were meant to be and as true as I always wanted them to be. I want them to be what they were back then - the deepest measure of our love, my soul, my very being - taking my breath away and bringing me to a place I had never visited before. And for that reason I will never forget my Dreamer.

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