Newsflash: The universe responds favourably to end of Colette's marriage
Indeed.
I want to use Dr. King's words (as he quoted from the old Negro spiritual): "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last."
We are all free. Every living being. Perhaps you are living chained to a wall somewwhere (if that's the case I doubt you are reading this). Remember, ultimately they can't take your soul.
I forgot the basic tenants that I once used to live by. Control is an illusion. Ultimately we have no control. Not over the things that happen to us. We can control our own actions and reactions. But we can't control what others do. We can't control nature.
That's where I made my big mistake. I thought I could control him. Control our relationship. Change him (as a lot of women feel that they can change their men - ladies give it a rest) - of course all along thinking I could help him change for the better. I am/was/always seem to be such a fool.
None of this ultimately matters. What he does is what he does. Yes he hurt me. Not to the point where I no longer can recognize me - I am still in here somewhere and every day I feel a little better, a little stronger. I want to take this mantle of hurt and anger that I have been carrying around with me and loosen it from my shoulders. This crown of thorns removed so I can think straight again. I want to be naked and walk in the cool grass and feel the sun on me again. I want to feel the soft rain pelt my skin, mingle with my tears and wash me clean.
I am however, going to be angry, hurt and sad for a while. I might, every time I reflect on this relationship feel a tug at my heart, a wistfullness, a sadness, a bittersweet remembrance of what was and what could never be.
Our love used to emcompass all the colours in the rainbow. I used to always think - we will make it, we love each other. I truly can't say that about any other relationship I've had with any other man.
There is a part of me that I don't think will ever let go of him, I don't relish the idea of letting him have that kind of control But there are somethings that happen in your life, some people that you never let pass. That, I think, is the key to enlightenment and why, my dear friends we have not met a great Buddha or a great Christ lately - besides there is a saying 'If you find the Buddha on the road, kill him'. Too many of us hang on, hold on, scared, scarred, desperately trying to find our footing, searching for that one thing, that one person that will make us whole. We hold onto things/material wealth, people, work, giving so much of our own power away. If only we would realise that this is a slippery slope and there are no promises, no guarantees in life. Vows are just words we make up to bond ourselves to goals we set forth, goals we may never achieve - and if we do, what then? We may leave behind a legacy perhaps, but in time legacies die out. Even if we sell our souls to the devil - I am sure a good lawyer and plenty of money could get us out of it in time.
Today was my uncle's funeral/wake. I was not particularly close to this man - but still I loved him and respected him. He was the husband of my father's sister. He was a solitary Italian man who married into a throng of Irish catholics. He never lost his sense of humour. He was an honorable man. His death, his passing only serves to remind me of the impermanence of life, and that the love that was felt for him will go on until my aunt joins him in her eternal rest - even then, their children will keep that love in their hearts and minds. I once told a cousin of mine, after her mother died suddenly, that we don't lose the people we love all at once, we lose them in bits and pieces over a long period of time. I can't remember what my mother's voice sounded like now, or her laughter, somedays, I can't remember her face...that makes me, at times, inconsolably sad, but then I realise I am a living breathing part of her and I will always carry her with me - as will my children and their children etc. Infinity can be a wondrous thing.
So this marriage is over as I knew it. It's not coming back. And I will go on and over time, little by little I will lose him, his voice, his eyes, his smile and his laughter. He will always hold a special place in my heart and mind. He will never have my soul.
I want to use Dr. King's words (as he quoted from the old Negro spiritual): "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last."
We are all free. Every living being. Perhaps you are living chained to a wall somewwhere (if that's the case I doubt you are reading this). Remember, ultimately they can't take your soul.
I forgot the basic tenants that I once used to live by. Control is an illusion. Ultimately we have no control. Not over the things that happen to us. We can control our own actions and reactions. But we can't control what others do. We can't control nature.
That's where I made my big mistake. I thought I could control him. Control our relationship. Change him (as a lot of women feel that they can change their men - ladies give it a rest) - of course all along thinking I could help him change for the better. I am/was/always seem to be such a fool.
None of this ultimately matters. What he does is what he does. Yes he hurt me. Not to the point where I no longer can recognize me - I am still in here somewhere and every day I feel a little better, a little stronger. I want to take this mantle of hurt and anger that I have been carrying around with me and loosen it from my shoulders. This crown of thorns removed so I can think straight again. I want to be naked and walk in the cool grass and feel the sun on me again. I want to feel the soft rain pelt my skin, mingle with my tears and wash me clean.
I am however, going to be angry, hurt and sad for a while. I might, every time I reflect on this relationship feel a tug at my heart, a wistfullness, a sadness, a bittersweet remembrance of what was and what could never be.
Our love used to emcompass all the colours in the rainbow. I used to always think - we will make it, we love each other. I truly can't say that about any other relationship I've had with any other man.
There is a part of me that I don't think will ever let go of him, I don't relish the idea of letting him have that kind of control But there are somethings that happen in your life, some people that you never let pass. That, I think, is the key to enlightenment and why, my dear friends we have not met a great Buddha or a great Christ lately - besides there is a saying 'If you find the Buddha on the road, kill him'. Too many of us hang on, hold on, scared, scarred, desperately trying to find our footing, searching for that one thing, that one person that will make us whole. We hold onto things/material wealth, people, work, giving so much of our own power away. If only we would realise that this is a slippery slope and there are no promises, no guarantees in life. Vows are just words we make up to bond ourselves to goals we set forth, goals we may never achieve - and if we do, what then? We may leave behind a legacy perhaps, but in time legacies die out. Even if we sell our souls to the devil - I am sure a good lawyer and plenty of money could get us out of it in time.
Today was my uncle's funeral/wake. I was not particularly close to this man - but still I loved him and respected him. He was the husband of my father's sister. He was a solitary Italian man who married into a throng of Irish catholics. He never lost his sense of humour. He was an honorable man. His death, his passing only serves to remind me of the impermanence of life, and that the love that was felt for him will go on until my aunt joins him in her eternal rest - even then, their children will keep that love in their hearts and minds. I once told a cousin of mine, after her mother died suddenly, that we don't lose the people we love all at once, we lose them in bits and pieces over a long period of time. I can't remember what my mother's voice sounded like now, or her laughter, somedays, I can't remember her face...that makes me, at times, inconsolably sad, but then I realise I am a living breathing part of her and I will always carry her with me - as will my children and their children etc. Infinity can be a wondrous thing.
So this marriage is over as I knew it. It's not coming back. And I will go on and over time, little by little I will lose him, his voice, his eyes, his smile and his laughter. He will always hold a special place in my heart and mind. He will never have my soul.
posted by Colette at 10:19 PM
2 Comments:
True,
We can control our actions and thoughts but not others!
It sounds simple but this realization is extremely empowering.
You're learning the magic of time's healing power first hand. It's not always "fun" to go through it, but it's amazing to experience.
Don't feel bad about being hurt and angry. Being wronged, you've earned the anger. In time, you'll find better things to do with your time than have thoughts of him... it won't make what he did any less wrong; it'll just mean you've moved on.
And keep loving him too. That's OK. As long as you see it as the past of you loving the past of him, you'll be fine. Today, you're different; today's you doesn't need him. Tomorrow's you will need and love the tomorrow of someone else.
That's Time for you. Take what you need.
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