My dreaming and waking self
I am lost, as usual. I am lost in my life; I am lost in my dreams…
My dreams are disjointed and not making any sense – I dream of things I never think of – things that the ‘real’ me would never think of. Stupid, banal dreams, making no sense – not even a form of release – which I so desperately need these days.
I wake and those feelings are still there – sure they are somewhat less than they used to be but they still exist and part of me – the heart part of me – the soul of me - knows they are here to stay and I don’t even know why.
This place – this ‘forum’ has become a way for me to discard things – to release in some ways the horrors that plague me during waking hours. The constant discourse that runs through my head the way blood runs in my veins – almost to the point where it’s background noise – pay no attention – the thoughts/feelings are here – pay no attention – go about your business.
I begin to convince myself that it’s tiring for my ‘readers’ to keep hearing about my feelings – no one likes to hear someone constantly whining about their lot in life – no one cares – I never began this blog for that reason – never for an audience. I am flattered in some ways that people read it (even the hidden, cowardly people, friends of she who will not be named *bitter laugh*) – what bunch of sophomoric bull shit. I mean people can accuse me of the same thing – if they wish - but you know what folks – for all intents and purposes my life was destroyed – and the people who helped destroy my family – just go about their business unscathed – laughing at these posts – and doing it to someone else in the mean time – hey kids, more power to you. Godspeed and all that crap.
I began this as a way to get these feelings out – no I did not care if they hurt other people and I still don’t – (sorry but thems the breaks). A way to rid my psyche of built up toxins. I am not sure if it’s working – only time will tell, and from the day-to-day barometer of my anger/hatred/scorn for these events, I just can’t tell right now if it’s helped all that much.
What has happened is that I have ‘met’ some wonderful people (a lot of whom have their blogs represented in my side-bar), I have found out that some of you actually ENJOY my writing – though for the life of me I don’t know why. I never set out to be a writer – and I still don’t think I am one. Why? Because I can tell a good ‘ghost story’ about ex-lovers who are dead or old women from my childhood – that’s not the mark of a good writer. Please don’t get me wrong – I truly appreciate the compliments even if I think they are undeserved. I have run across some wonderful writing myself – some really extraordinary talent and hopefully they will go on to much success as published authors (that is if that’s what they want).
I feel that my life has become an open forum and that perhaps it is only fueling a fire that I ultimately want put out. I don’t know what is going to happen to this blog. Part of me thinks perhaps it is time to just tear it all down and let it lie. Part of me just does not want this to turn into an ‘ordinary’ forum where you find out what I am wearing to work or what I did over the weekend – I mean who the hell cares about such things.
I never did this to entertain an audience. I think that I need to seriously consider some changes or just stop this altogether. Perhaps when I have something decent to write every now and then I will... but for now my life feels so stuck, so stagnant – that there seems to be nothing more to write – and why anyone would want to be regaled with stories of my childhood or my past is beyond me. Again this is not, has never been, for an audience – yes there are some people I WANT to read this – and I think you know WHO you are – and take it for what it’s worth – if you have something to say stop being such a fucking coward and say it – in private if you wish – but those of you who are friends – those of you who have stuck by me, guided me, loved me, helped me through all of this – to you I want to say thank you – thanks so very much for your help and support – you did not have to do this and you are wonderful people.
Again I just don’t know what direction this is going to take anymore – I am sure it’s fun to hear some juicy gossip about the little bitch and my soon-to-be ex-asshole-of-a-husband that helped create this ruckus – yes it can be fun to tear people apart – but I had hoped for a bit more of a resolution than that – I had hoped for some poignancy, some shred of dignity – not just to have a one-sided cat fight with a girl young enough for me to have changed her diapers – frankly she’s not worth the effort. She never has been, she never will be, and I knew that all along – I guess it’s was just a way to let someone know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these crimes (and yes I consider them crimes). And it’s not necessarily vital for her to know about the lives she’s ruined, the family she’s pulled apart - because let’s face it she doesn’t have the guts to face any of it – or a clue as how how to live your life without doing such things to others, nor does she care about others – or take any responsibility for it – and she probably never will – what else is new – ah the wonder of being young and irresponsible to boot. But if, in some way, someone reading this can draw some comfort from my experience, or perhaps stop themselves BEFORE they do this to an innocent wife/husband/family then perhaps none of this has been in vain after all.
My dreams are disjointed and not making any sense – I dream of things I never think of – things that the ‘real’ me would never think of. Stupid, banal dreams, making no sense – not even a form of release – which I so desperately need these days.
I wake and those feelings are still there – sure they are somewhat less than they used to be but they still exist and part of me – the heart part of me – the soul of me - knows they are here to stay and I don’t even know why.
This place – this ‘forum’ has become a way for me to discard things – to release in some ways the horrors that plague me during waking hours. The constant discourse that runs through my head the way blood runs in my veins – almost to the point where it’s background noise – pay no attention – the thoughts/feelings are here – pay no attention – go about your business.
I begin to convince myself that it’s tiring for my ‘readers’ to keep hearing about my feelings – no one likes to hear someone constantly whining about their lot in life – no one cares – I never began this blog for that reason – never for an audience. I am flattered in some ways that people read it (even the hidden, cowardly people, friends of she who will not be named *bitter laugh*) – what bunch of sophomoric bull shit. I mean people can accuse me of the same thing – if they wish - but you know what folks – for all intents and purposes my life was destroyed – and the people who helped destroy my family – just go about their business unscathed – laughing at these posts – and doing it to someone else in the mean time – hey kids, more power to you. Godspeed and all that crap.
I began this as a way to get these feelings out – no I did not care if they hurt other people and I still don’t – (sorry but thems the breaks). A way to rid my psyche of built up toxins. I am not sure if it’s working – only time will tell, and from the day-to-day barometer of my anger/hatred/scorn for these events, I just can’t tell right now if it’s helped all that much.
What has happened is that I have ‘met’ some wonderful people (a lot of whom have their blogs represented in my side-bar), I have found out that some of you actually ENJOY my writing – though for the life of me I don’t know why. I never set out to be a writer – and I still don’t think I am one. Why? Because I can tell a good ‘ghost story’ about ex-lovers who are dead or old women from my childhood – that’s not the mark of a good writer. Please don’t get me wrong – I truly appreciate the compliments even if I think they are undeserved. I have run across some wonderful writing myself – some really extraordinary talent and hopefully they will go on to much success as published authors (that is if that’s what they want).
I feel that my life has become an open forum and that perhaps it is only fueling a fire that I ultimately want put out. I don’t know what is going to happen to this blog. Part of me thinks perhaps it is time to just tear it all down and let it lie. Part of me just does not want this to turn into an ‘ordinary’ forum where you find out what I am wearing to work or what I did over the weekend – I mean who the hell cares about such things.
I never did this to entertain an audience. I think that I need to seriously consider some changes or just stop this altogether. Perhaps when I have something decent to write every now and then I will... but for now my life feels so stuck, so stagnant – that there seems to be nothing more to write – and why anyone would want to be regaled with stories of my childhood or my past is beyond me. Again this is not, has never been, for an audience – yes there are some people I WANT to read this – and I think you know WHO you are – and take it for what it’s worth – if you have something to say stop being such a fucking coward and say it – in private if you wish – but those of you who are friends – those of you who have stuck by me, guided me, loved me, helped me through all of this – to you I want to say thank you – thanks so very much for your help and support – you did not have to do this and you are wonderful people.
Again I just don’t know what direction this is going to take anymore – I am sure it’s fun to hear some juicy gossip about the little bitch and my soon-to-be ex-asshole-of-a-husband that helped create this ruckus – yes it can be fun to tear people apart – but I had hoped for a bit more of a resolution than that – I had hoped for some poignancy, some shred of dignity – not just to have a one-sided cat fight with a girl young enough for me to have changed her diapers – frankly she’s not worth the effort. She never has been, she never will be, and I knew that all along – I guess it’s was just a way to let someone know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these crimes (and yes I consider them crimes). And it’s not necessarily vital for her to know about the lives she’s ruined, the family she’s pulled apart - because let’s face it she doesn’t have the guts to face any of it – or a clue as how how to live your life without doing such things to others, nor does she care about others – or take any responsibility for it – and she probably never will – what else is new – ah the wonder of being young and irresponsible to boot. But if, in some way, someone reading this can draw some comfort from my experience, or perhaps stop themselves BEFORE they do this to an innocent wife/husband/family then perhaps none of this has been in vain after all.
2 Comments:
You write because you have to; we read because we want to.
You do make a difference, just by sharing who you are. Don't change or edit that. Live it and write what you want.
OK, so now you're experiencing the pain of being dismissed by others. Sure it hurts... but once you finally move on, once you finally let these people go, they'll get a taste of dismissal themselves. If that hurts them, well then, they get a taste of their own medicine. If it doesn't, then they aren't worthy of you anyway.
My Dearest Collette,
I wish to thank you profusely for turning me on to this forum. Admittedly yes, my blog has become a place to relate what I did over the weekend. Unfortunately life is full of such trivialities. What else I have discovered through my blogging adventures, is that yes you do need to get things out. Sometimes putting these things into the universe is the best way to gain perspective on them.
Speaking as part of your "audience" I would just like to say that I feel closer to you since you've been doing this. To some extent we are all mysteries to one another. Not to knock mysteries, but it's been wonderful to have some insight into who you really are, and what you think.
So yes, by all means pull the emphasis away from what started all this in the first place. Evolution is our greatest strength, perhaps by using this forum to concentrate on the better aspects of your life, it will help to bring them into better focus, and then the real healing can begin.
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