Friday, December 10, 2004

Status quo

Life…it’s like that ‘circular’ file. I want to throw it all away sometimes.
I am not a young ‘girl’ anymore. I can’t just get up and leave anytime I want – but I spend a lot of time away from my home and my son and then I feel guilty about that. He is such a great person and for that I am forever grateful. When we do have time together, it’s QUALITY time – not like the crap that the TV shows and Dr. Phil’s of the world are always telling you to have with your kids.

###########################################################

My life seems to be in some sort of holding pattern lately. I want to go – just go – start all over again somewhere else. But where? And alone? What the hell happens to people when they grow up? Does working everyday and being responsible cause you to lose all sense of adventure? Or is it that you feel you have more to lose? What the hell is it? When I was in my 20s this would not have been a problem and I keep thinking that once my son graduates it won’t be a problem again – but do I have a plan? No.

And then there’s my ‘life’ the part where I am a professional….the part where I have to go out and socialize - ‘rub elbows’ as it were with people who don’t have a clue and would not know how to buy one either. I mean I feel like a freak half the time because if I started talking about the real me, the music I listen to, the books I read, the things I do – like this writing (this sub-par piece of crap – my blog). I mean they’d never get it. At one point in the evening, last night – at a dinner I had to go to, one of the ladies there said to me “Wow you are cool” – and I was really both upset and flattered. Mainly upset - I mean just because I have been exposed to a lot of things – that makes me cool? This woman does not really know me. And if she were to come to know me she would probably run, screaming for the hills. Because I would definitely upset her sense of the ‘world’; her ideas of what the norm is – I mean I should not be so quick to judge, perhaps she’d like to have everything she’s known to be real challenged, dissected, dismantled, annihilated….I just don’t know. I quietly despair because again I feel like I am never going to find ‘those’ people – or even that one person who will know what I am talking about…who will understand my references.

###########################################################

Here come the holidays….another country heard from. Part of me loves this time of the year. I love the lights. I love the weather… (yes I wish it would snow and you know what I am not crazy for wanting this – it’s Cleveland for fucks sake, so get used to the cold and snow or move to Florida you idiots) – I mean it puts me in the mood. I love getting gifts for people. I love the feeling of it all. I am lucky, I love my family – I cherish my family – I can’t believe I have the family I have – I don’t see most of them enough.

And yet….again, I just want to run away. There’s just no explaining it – and I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I need to go away – I wish I could just go away for a while. I NEED to go away. ALONE for a while – just to not have to see anyone I know for enough time so that I can begin to miss them – to appreciate them.

There are people in my life I want to see more of – but I don’t. They are busy with their own lives, and the stigmata of me being without a partner – the proverbial ‘third wheel’ - is still pretty fresh. Perhaps it’s me – perhaps I am just projecting these things and people don’t really think this – and they probably don’t… but still it’s hard because they know my ‘story’ and I know they feel bad for me and I truly appreciate the concern and the love – but how can I forget and put this behind me and how can they? I mean it’s like I have become my ‘story’ – it’s my identity.

#############################################################

And so perhaps what I am looking for is anonymity. To become a nomad. Like the dime-store novels about that ‘stranger’ that goes from town to town and briefly touches peoples’ lives, perhaps helps out with the revolution and then just as suddenly, leaves. Sort of a female Clint Eastwood ‘Spaghetti Western’ character. ‘Two Mules for Sister Sarah’ and I get to be Shirley MacLaine who is a masquerading as a nun but is secretly a revolutionary. (Jesus am I giving away my age or what?) This should be the time of my life where I am ‘settling’ down, planning my retirement – but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to fade away. I want to live and love and laugh and have no regrets. I want to be full and not hunger anymore. Yet I want the quiet and solitude too and perhaps I am just an Jekyll/Hyde that can’t make up her mind.

I want to scream but I don’t know who I want to scream at – or who’s going to listen anymore – and I am still so angry and so hurt and I still have a need to write about all this shit and I just am getting so bored with it all myself….and so are you (I’ll bet).

So I want to just go down to the river (preferably the Ganges) and wash myself clean and emerge a new person – a re-incarnation only better. Then, when I come back – people will see me as ‘new’ and the scars will have disappeared and I won’t be so fragile anymore. I will be whole and fresh and my past will be just a distant memory.

3 Comments:

Blogger Liam said...

In a word sweetie, WOW!

If I had a dime for everytime I wish I could wipe the entire slate of my past clean, and just be me. Sometimes you get the feeling that you aren't so much you for you...you're the you that people see. I tend to find that's two different people. Crawl inside my head and you'll see I'm in fact NOT the person you think I am.

Sometimes I think I should meditate more, get back in touch with that center of myself. Get back in contact with ME.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Minoa said...

i completely agree w/ your post as well as the comment above. sometimes when i feel that way, i wonder if doctors tend to medicate people when they feel like this. i wonder if "someone is trying to tell me something" when thoughts of escape take over my conscious. sometimes my feet will ache a little bit. where should i go? will driving around aimlessly at night quench this thirst that my soul has suddenly acquired? does this mean that my life needs an uplift? that soemthing greater is out there for me? do i need to travel and experience things? i heard in a movie once that a person should do three things every day: make a friend, take a walk, and read a good book. maybe when your life becomes so routine you are able to look up and out, endlessly searching...?

11:30 AM  
Blogger Gurustu said...

The way to become who you are is to forget who you think you are.

As we grow, we stop believing that all things are possible and we replace our dreams with excuses.

You can still be who you want to be... cause all you really want is to be yourself anyway. So give yourself permission just to be. Others will either like you or they won't. Are you living your life for you or for them?

The answer to that question changes the course of your life.

Time to choose.

11:26 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Photobucket