Resonance and Dischord

Wrestling with demons in the form of angels....

I don't want to reflect on what I did or did not get for Christmas (save a couple of items)...

The true gift is that of family, kinship, and love.

One of the gifts that was given me (from you-know-who of course) was a book of essays by Anais Nin. She is an author I've long identified with - this is the reason why her books (most of which I've lost due to a cat that has now passed away - another story) are on my 'wish list'...

Ms. Nin was a woman so in touch with who she was that she dared to do as she pleased - not without regard for consequence - but she remained true to herself...and she carved her niche. She made her choices with a symphony of mind and heart, body and soul - in a mainly male dominated literary world.

In one of her essays, she talks about director Igmar Bergman. She give astonishing insight into the workings of his genius mind and lays bare the essence of desire, personified in his films.

Her writings as well about how she herself lived her life strike a resonant chord within me.

She discusses how difficult it is to embrace fully ALL the 'parts' of ourselves. Not just the 'public' face but the dark 'one', hidden in the recesses that perhaps only those closest - or perhaps no one but our selves ever see - the subterranean depths of our 'other'.

As a woman, I believe at least for me, the struggle - the battle if you will - takes place on many levels.

Women (most of us) are taught from an early age to be good girls, ladies, dutiful wives and mothers, teachers, cooks, house-keepers, keepers of the faith.

Whereas, it would seem that boys are taught to be rougher, forthright, aggressive, strong, confident, conquerors...

I was shy and reticent as a little girl but soon, I grew rebellious, I longed for 'experience' and knowledge. I had a thirst; I wanted to be like the 'boys'. My sexuality charged, I somewhat recognised its power - unfortunately, and all too often, I'd pick the wrong man to lavish this on and my 'power' would be used against me...

Coming into my own took me decades of abusive relationships, failed marriages and broken/splintered families - the human cost its own form of reckoning. Yet I became ME...

Now, I often find myself torn between many 'selves'. The things I think - being observant/a psychological 'voyeur' of human nature - these edicts have a way of making it to my lips and are uttered before I sometimes even realise - hurting the one man I've come to love more than anyone who has come before. I am left feeling awful - but how do I reconcile my true nature with that of the rebel, the sarcastic bitch, the explorer, the modern-day courtesan/taker of lovers - with the 'good wife/mother', kind and lady-like creature that also lives within this mortal coil?

Almost without reason, involuntarily, my other 'side' rails at times to get out! Break Free! And I sense a certain entrapment - yet I fear the letting go - for unleashing the 'other woman' might very well cost me all that I hold dear.

I look within for the key, the clues that might help me to tame my more wayward self - while still keeping the passion that seems to live at the very core of my being alive - a passion that hungers and yearns - it seems to just take on a different aspect...

Can I be fulfilled as a woman with one 'true' love? Will my restless nature be able to settle down now that its uncovered the well-spring of love? Can I brave the true freedom of allowing myself to be possessed by HIM - to truly become as 'one' together?

I want to believe that this love is the culmination of all that I have been working towards that this IS my 'Grail'.

I don't want to permit fear of the unknown, of it 'not working out', the trepidation of my own insecurities and inadequacies to hold me hostage - what's the alternative - Life alone? The quest for another lover who 'gets me'?

Is the key having a lover who embodies all that I need - he's the 'bad boy', the 'white knight', the clandestine lover all rolled into one?

And on HIS end (I can't speak for him) - will he be patient enough, will he allow my 'coltishness, my coquettish ways? Will he be able to conquer his own fears and demons and recognise that I am not perfect - will he be smart enough to not put me on a pedestal, yet still respect me and want to cherish and uplift me? Will he be able to stay true - to not stray? Will he be satisfied and happy and really want to 'settle down'?

There seems to be no shortage of 'thought landmines' in my head.

My heart is full of love. My body aches for him, my arms long to hold him, pull him close to me; my lips hunger for his kisses. I want him with everything that I am and will become. He quenches my spirit in so many ways and I know that even if (Goddess forbid) this relationship crashes and burns, it will still have been the greatest love of my lifetime...