Open letter to my husband

I don’t know why I am even writing to you…you don’t like letters…you would rather we ‘talk’ *laugh* yet you can never seem to talk. So here it is…

My dreams – such as the one I told you about, are never lies or imaginings. I can not seem to get you to understand this, but when I dream enough about these things, when they are the same dream – which this was – it’s not just something embedded in my subconscious – and if you knew anything about dreams – you would know that dreams like this mean something…more. Did I ever tell you about the time that I dreamt my mom was dead, frozen in the snow? I dreamt that 2 years almost to the date of when she actually died. She died in January and the ground was frozen and they buried her in the snow…

So this dream, say what you will, is real. And the true litmus test is that my gut tells me this happened - not to mention her attitude about the whole thing - the games, the avoidance of telling the truth (but of course like you, she is probably just a compulsive liar) Yes indeed, this did happen between the two of you. And now here comes the shocker – are you ready???

THAT’S OK!!! That’s right – it’s ok that you had sex with an 18-year-old girl – it’s sick – but it’s ok. What is not ok is the constant lying you did, the constant covering up of your real feelings, the constant betrayal of me – your wife. All those things I had to find out about you through the Internet – I suppose you would rather I just turn a blind eye - let it all go, right? For what? So you can retreat back into your comfort zone? The problem with lies is that they don’t like the light.

You claim that you told me you were feeling neglected. I know you told me. At the time, I chalked it up to your whiny nature – and if you don’t think you whine ask your friends, because you do. Perhaps that was wrong of me. But, when you did tell me you were feeling that way, it ALWAYS centered around me doing something for my kids. As I have told you repeatedly, I am Mom first BEFORE I am your wife – I am their mother. That is mainly what I remember your complaining about, with the possible exception of your bitching about not being able to hang your artwork. And, when I did ask you what you wanted to hang and where you wanted to hang the art, you acted like a hurt puppy and never did do anything with the art. Finally (toward the end of our marriage), there was the tantrum you threw about going out to concerts and nightclubs - if I recall correctly you said you were going “whether you liked it or not!”
(I am assuming you would have been secretly meeting Erin – and I’d be right). So the way I see it, while you may have had some legitimate reasons for feeling neglected, you pretty much had it pretty damned good! You had a wife who was not too shabby looking, who is very intelligent, who was teaching and studying Yoga, and working a full time job, earning most of the money and, she did the brunt of the housework. And yet, you decided to toss it aside to be with an 18-year-old girl (and all the 75 other women you were ‘talking’ to and trying to meet on-line), who gave your ego a boost. So do I have any of this right?

I can tell you the exact moment our marriage was over – it was over before we began. It was over when you asked me to choose between you and my daughter and at that moment, I should have ended things. The really odd thing is that ultimately I kicked her out of my house to save our marriage – I was a fool.

I am tired of being your fool. I don’t think you are depressed the way you think you are. I am not saying you are not depressed – but then we are all depressed. I can match tit for tat every horrible thing you have had happen to you only I can do more because I have had more bad things happen to me. So what, we all have had shitty childhoods. The fact that you can’t keep your penis in your pants, whether figuratively or literally does not mean you are clinically depressed, it just means you are acting out, it means you have to heal, it means you have no self-control – that’s all it means. You use your depression as a shield to get around all the things you really need to do for yourself. Forget me, or your other obligations (do you not think of me as an obligation that you took on?), you need to do stuff for you. I hope someday you will do the things you need to do for you. I am not, apparently, one of those things you need to do for you. But then I should not be – as your little friend put it you should ‘find your happiness within’ – you claim you know this too – but yet you always put so much to bear on your external ways of getting your happiness.

We are not happy when we see each other. Our meetings are usually full of trepidation, hurt, anger. That’s not love. You probably think ‘Gee wonder what she will bitch about this time…’ and I am wondering why I am even seeing you in the first place. That’s not love. Look at it this way – it’s not like we are lovers anymore – frankly I kind of doubt we ever will be again. I mean I just can’t trust you – I don’t know where you have been or with whom.

Perhaps you did what you did out of hurt and neglect. I am not negating that – you felt the way you felt – it was real – you own it, and it’s your truth. What never gets discussed is what you did (really it boils down to what you did not do) and again, perhaps that was all a matter of your depression. But my dear, I have to say, you are not a great prize. You are lazy, you use excuses to get away with not doing things. You are not very mature. Again that is all OK. At one point I loved you enough to look past all of this (love IS blind). But now, you need to do your work (and I need to do mine) and we can’t be together like this. We are just spinning our wheels. It’s just too unhealthy. It’s not good for either of us. We fight. It makes you and I sick when we fight. Yet we fight. We need to step back. You need to regain you. I need to find me again. Maybe we will meet in the end and things will be ok. Who can say? But if we don’t step back, take the time we need, and regroup, we will never get to that point. It will always be like this and I don’t want this any more.

I hope you will find your support network. I hope you will talk to your friends – it’s much cheaper than therapy. They all want to talk to you – they all want to help. They feel like when you avoid this – it’s the big white elephant in the room and no one is talking about it. Again that’s up to you – it’s your life. But really, my dear, are those the kind of friendships you want to have? Surface friendships – where all that ever gets discussed is gaming and comic books? Perhaps that is your escape, but somehow I would think one needs a bit more substance from his true friends. Certainly you need it from your chosen life mate.

Whatever way you go – I hope you work things out. I really do. I do love and care about you. I always will. I just think right now you need more than I can give and I just think you need to be healthy before you can commit to a real relationship. You can have all the surface stuff you want or need without doing any of the work, again, that’s ok. But if you want to really love someone and you want that love returned – you are going to have to face your demons and heal yourself.

Colette