Still here
I see things - beyond myself. I see me at another time, place, space in my life in a distant future. I am not sure if I am happy. I am not sure if I am sad. I am not sure if it matters.
I don't like being sad. I have spent a lot of my life being sad. I have had a lot of loss in my life (more than the average person). Life is about loss and gains and about what you do with every situation, with every gift that comes your way and everything you lose. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of being at the mercy of others.
As I grew up, being the eldest girl in my family meant that I had to be kind, I had to share all of my toys. I was not allowed to be selfish - it was simply not tolerated. Sure there were times where I was mean especially to my sister....but all in all I had to be nice. I guess I grew up thinking that was how you were suppose to be. I suppose it's why I am not someone like Donald Trump.
Is it time to be mean? Why is it that a lot of people are mean? Isn't there a bumper sticker that has the quote "Mean people suck"? I am sure the mean people did not vote on that quote for the bumpers sticker. Why? Because they don't care. Is meaness an absence of caring for your fellow human being?
I seem to have fallen into a deep well of sadness, despair, self-loathing. I look around and the only person here is me. Oh sure I have friends who care, but there is only so much people want to hear about this. In talking to another friend who recently parted ways from his girlfriend (of course not with the same amount of drama as what I've been through) - we've discussed how we make our other friends 'uncomfortable' - it's like we are the perpetual third wheel in the equation. Our friends like us, they feel obligated to be around us - but those of our friends who are couples - they don't really feel comfortable with us - it's like we are cursed.
And who knows, perhaps we are....
I don't want to toot my own horn. I don't want to come off sounding like I had nothing to do with what happened here. But I honestly can not figure out what I did in my life (or my past life) that was bad enough to attract all this kind of karma. If I did do soemthing that bad, then hopefully with what I have been through of late, I have managed to burn off all the negative karma and it will last a couple of lifetimes - and I will have smotth sailing.
Now mainly, I want peace. I still want to see the people I love ok - and yes that does include him. I can not keep walking down this road, or falling into this well by myself. Somehow, someway, I have to find a way out and up into the sunlight again. Otherwise, I will spend the rest of my days sad and lonely. The only person I will have to blame for that is me, myself, I.
I am sure there are nice/kind people out there. I just don't know the secret handshake, or I messed up the decoder ring's message somehow. I want to gravitate towards people that are going to treat me the way they want to be treated. Follow Hillel's law - not necessarily the Golden Rule. Before all this happened I used to think that people were basically good. Now I just don't know. I don't want to lose hope for humanity. I want to think that the reason these two did so much damage to everyone around them is because they could not help themselves. But that wears thin and who the hell am I kidding. They were selfish and did what they did because they wanted to. Because it brought them pleasure (and maybe pain too). I'd like to say that eventually karma will come around their way too (it will) and not sound like I want that for them - but this time I would be lying. I am tired of lies too...so very tired.
I hope that eventually there will be a light that I can follow out of this darkness. I hope that when I do come out on the other side I am still someone I can recognize and respect. I hope that I am smart enough not to engage in the same patters of behaviours that led me here in the first place and that the love I engage in will be pure, unselfish, kind, and strong. Able to withstand anything that life or karma throws it's way.
I wish the same for all the people I am close to and all the people that I don't even know. For those of you out there who have written to me and sent support as I have gone through all of this I want to send out a special thanks. Because of the kindness of strangers I am at least inclined to believe there is hope. And without hope there is nothing.
I don't like being sad. I have spent a lot of my life being sad. I have had a lot of loss in my life (more than the average person). Life is about loss and gains and about what you do with every situation, with every gift that comes your way and everything you lose. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of being at the mercy of others.
As I grew up, being the eldest girl in my family meant that I had to be kind, I had to share all of my toys. I was not allowed to be selfish - it was simply not tolerated. Sure there were times where I was mean especially to my sister....but all in all I had to be nice. I guess I grew up thinking that was how you were suppose to be. I suppose it's why I am not someone like Donald Trump.
Is it time to be mean? Why is it that a lot of people are mean? Isn't there a bumper sticker that has the quote "Mean people suck"? I am sure the mean people did not vote on that quote for the bumpers sticker. Why? Because they don't care. Is meaness an absence of caring for your fellow human being?
I seem to have fallen into a deep well of sadness, despair, self-loathing. I look around and the only person here is me. Oh sure I have friends who care, but there is only so much people want to hear about this. In talking to another friend who recently parted ways from his girlfriend (of course not with the same amount of drama as what I've been through) - we've discussed how we make our other friends 'uncomfortable' - it's like we are the perpetual third wheel in the equation. Our friends like us, they feel obligated to be around us - but those of our friends who are couples - they don't really feel comfortable with us - it's like we are cursed.
And who knows, perhaps we are....
I don't want to toot my own horn. I don't want to come off sounding like I had nothing to do with what happened here. But I honestly can not figure out what I did in my life (or my past life) that was bad enough to attract all this kind of karma. If I did do soemthing that bad, then hopefully with what I have been through of late, I have managed to burn off all the negative karma and it will last a couple of lifetimes - and I will have smotth sailing.
Now mainly, I want peace. I still want to see the people I love ok - and yes that does include him. I can not keep walking down this road, or falling into this well by myself. Somehow, someway, I have to find a way out and up into the sunlight again. Otherwise, I will spend the rest of my days sad and lonely. The only person I will have to blame for that is me, myself, I.
I am sure there are nice/kind people out there. I just don't know the secret handshake, or I messed up the decoder ring's message somehow. I want to gravitate towards people that are going to treat me the way they want to be treated. Follow Hillel's law - not necessarily the Golden Rule. Before all this happened I used to think that people were basically good. Now I just don't know. I don't want to lose hope for humanity. I want to think that the reason these two did so much damage to everyone around them is because they could not help themselves. But that wears thin and who the hell am I kidding. They were selfish and did what they did because they wanted to. Because it brought them pleasure (and maybe pain too). I'd like to say that eventually karma will come around their way too (it will) and not sound like I want that for them - but this time I would be lying. I am tired of lies too...so very tired.
I hope that eventually there will be a light that I can follow out of this darkness. I hope that when I do come out on the other side I am still someone I can recognize and respect. I hope that I am smart enough not to engage in the same patters of behaviours that led me here in the first place and that the love I engage in will be pure, unselfish, kind, and strong. Able to withstand anything that life or karma throws it's way.
I wish the same for all the people I am close to and all the people that I don't even know. For those of you out there who have written to me and sent support as I have gone through all of this I want to send out a special thanks. Because of the kindness of strangers I am at least inclined to believe there is hope. And without hope there is nothing.
posted by Colette at 8:42 PM
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