And so...
Now. I am sad, sadder than sad and I feel so cold, so brittle - like everything is going to break. Like if he (or anyone) says anything unkind I will just shatter into thousands of rainbow-splintered, jagged-glass pieces, leaving nothing but the sound and fury of my flailing soul, trying to escape from this existence.
Because I have become something I never wanted to become. Because I HATE what I have become...and I want so badly to put things right. I want so badly to go back to what we used to be. But wait...that was illness too...that was not right...that was tainted.
Toxic love, how do you get it out of your system? How do you remove poison from your soul. There is a soap product out there called 'Wash you sins away' funny , right...how I wish I could wash my soul clean from all of this.
He accuses me of 'clinging' to this relationship and he does not even realise how badly I want to end all of this - he says he only says those things when he is angry - but that's ALL the damned time!
There I am this shell of a person trying to hold myself together, trying to function through all my pain, all my sorrow, my constant on-the-edge-of-tears feeling and perhaps I AM clinging to this...but why???
Love, love used to be so easy, I used to fall in love all the time, with everyone/anyone - no not like you are thinking, but I loved love...it was pure, it was clean, it was nice. I used to be happy and I guess I was always in love with the ideal of love...with the falling in love part of love. I can still feel joy, I can still feel happiness but it seems just out of reach. Like really bright sunshine on a really cold day - you can feel the heat - but it so damned cold...
I am guilty of loving another human being that is mentally ill...he is brilliant but ill. I took a vow to love this person for the rest of my life...can someone please tell me how to walk away from love? I mean I am a Yoga teacher for Buddha's sake! I study (or try to at least to study) - the art of non-attachment. How do I disengage?
All those stupid cliche sayings about love and the one most applicable to this moment "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was..." What an incredible crock of shit. Was that person ever in love? Did they ever have their heart broken? So what do you do when you set someone free and you don't want them back - better yet, what do you do when your heart wants them back (because there is this undying love inside of your heart) but your head does not want them back? I mean I try to listen to my instincts, my gut and I get conflicting advice...everything tells me to just forget it all, to run away, to end things...then he calls and I am crying and he is telling me he loves me...so is that my gut or my very bruised ego?
This is why people are great artists...because they are able to translate this stuff into writing, poetry, paintings, songs...me I just blog my little fingers off hoping to type my way out of this darkness that I seemed to have created all by myself.
Because I have become something I never wanted to become. Because I HATE what I have become...and I want so badly to put things right. I want so badly to go back to what we used to be. But wait...that was illness too...that was not right...that was tainted.
Toxic love, how do you get it out of your system? How do you remove poison from your soul. There is a soap product out there called 'Wash you sins away' funny , right...how I wish I could wash my soul clean from all of this.
He accuses me of 'clinging' to this relationship and he does not even realise how badly I want to end all of this - he says he only says those things when he is angry - but that's ALL the damned time!
There I am this shell of a person trying to hold myself together, trying to function through all my pain, all my sorrow, my constant on-the-edge-of-tears feeling and perhaps I AM clinging to this...but why???
Love, love used to be so easy, I used to fall in love all the time, with everyone/anyone - no not like you are thinking, but I loved love...it was pure, it was clean, it was nice. I used to be happy and I guess I was always in love with the ideal of love...with the falling in love part of love. I can still feel joy, I can still feel happiness but it seems just out of reach. Like really bright sunshine on a really cold day - you can feel the heat - but it so damned cold...
I am guilty of loving another human being that is mentally ill...he is brilliant but ill. I took a vow to love this person for the rest of my life...can someone please tell me how to walk away from love? I mean I am a Yoga teacher for Buddha's sake! I study (or try to at least to study) - the art of non-attachment. How do I disengage?
All those stupid cliche sayings about love and the one most applicable to this moment "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was..." What an incredible crock of shit. Was that person ever in love? Did they ever have their heart broken? So what do you do when you set someone free and you don't want them back - better yet, what do you do when your heart wants them back (because there is this undying love inside of your heart) but your head does not want them back? I mean I try to listen to my instincts, my gut and I get conflicting advice...everything tells me to just forget it all, to run away, to end things...then he calls and I am crying and he is telling me he loves me...so is that my gut or my very bruised ego?
This is why people are great artists...because they are able to translate this stuff into writing, poetry, paintings, songs...me I just blog my little fingers off hoping to type my way out of this darkness that I seemed to have created all by myself.
posted by Colette at 5:23 PM
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