Philosophy

I have begun a correspondence with someone on the Internet (I actually have a couple that are on-going) - but this person and I seem to be able to readily share our thoughts and feelings and when he writes to me - something in me 'vibrates' at the same frequency and I thought I would post part of the last letter I sent to him.  (By the way for those of you out there 'worried' about the internet 'dating' thing - we have not met - we are not dating and I am not even sure that's going to transpire =) It's all just about being Colette!

 
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Sometimes I wonder (especially lately) if *I* am ever meant to have a deep connection with anyone.  With as many failed, miserable relationships as I have behind me I just don't know.  This last one has rocked me to my core so hard that I have decided to go see someone to talk about things. I believe counseling can be a wonderful tool when people get 'stuck' as it were - and right now I am feeling pretty 'stuck'

Love is so hard sometimes - I think what happens is that men and women have two different and at times very opposing views on such matters.  And for the record I hate the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' crap.  To me all he is doing is teaching men to give women lip service and that's not what we want.

And so there's all this confusion and ego and pain and libido clouding the true issues at heart.  (LOL no pun intended).  The bottom line for me ends up being.  Can I be comfortable with him?  Can I relax with him?  Can I be *ME* with him.  Will he be able to adapt when I change or will he resent it or punish me or just not get it - and will I be able to do the same for him?  More and more I find sadly the answers end up being no.  And ultimately there is no one to blame.  Just life. 

Wasn't there a line from "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Marquez (in fact the first line) about the smell of almonds always reminding him of unrequited love? (*sigh* I have to go back it's been too long since I've read it).  But on and on through our lives it's always that wistfulness in the backs of our hearts.  Or, simply,'the one that got away' - and that's a hard one to deal with.  And then the blame game enters into it and we find ourselves focused once again on the wrong things.

There is a saying that one of my favourite teachers passed on to us students:  "you are exactly where you need to be right now"  - c'mon say it with me *smile* - I am not trying to be flippant here - and I can't tell you how much that phrase has helped me recently.
I don't want to look back on things with regret.  I want to move forward with passion, with love, with joy, with clarity of mind (easier said than done) - I don't wake up every morning and wonder "Gee is today it?" because I think by doing that you set yourself up for today definitely NOT being 'it' - I think it's better to just breath it all in and then let it go - not so much to be on autopilot but not to fight it either.  I hope I am making sense.

Lately the whirlwind that I am dealing with (especially the crap my soon-to-be ex is throwing at me right now) has a tendency to suck my soul dry.  It's just so emotional and so draining.  Sometimes just being able to read an e-mail from you with your opening up to me and spilling your thoughts and feelings onto this blank page helps me so much.  For it is that which I cling to, hopeful, tremulous, timid, breathless and a tiny bit hesitant telling myself: "Maybe THIS is it" - just in a tiny little voice - barely audible even to myself.  It's that niggling doubt, that fearfulness that lashes me to the mast of my own ship as it sinks and seems to paralyze me and not let me move forward.  Not let me make that leap of faith.  Because that's what love is - isn't it?  A leap of faith, a headlong jump into the unknown.  I just can't figure out anymore if it's suppose to be chemical or cerebral.  I DO know that in order for someone (at least in the past) to win my heart - it had to be more than 'Me Tarzan, You Jane' - there had to be an intelligence, a wit, a spark (but more than mere spark - a fire), a subtlety to balance the spark....although sometimes now I wonder if maybe I should stick with the caveman crap.

We are by nature, in many ways, physical creatures - but that fades and then it becomes waking up in the morning and wondering "What am I doing with this person asleep next to me?" - and is that answer a wondrous, glorious affirmation of love, tenderness, of true knowing - or - the keen awareness that you don't know and you aren't sure and perhaps it's time to run for cover? So the meaning of our lives ends up being which answer do you have in your life right now.  Or ,which one do you want to have or even, are you too afraid to ever get to that point.  It's all how we behave at the feast.  We are all so inundated with how our lives should be, could be.  With keeping up with the Jones' because they are better somehow or have more orgasms.  With how our partner should look, should think, act, feel.  It's all so damned confusing and so confounding and it so hard to sift through the bullshit.

And me - I am always wanting to cut through to find that real 'meaning' because I know it's there somewhere - but perhaps I am kidding myself.  I just like the sound of my own thoughts reverberating in my brain.  All I know, ultimately, is that it is bone-weary to be lonely all the time and yet...I think that even though I don't want to come from a fear-based model - right now, I am scared to death.

Again I hope I am making some sense and I hope I am not rambling too much.  I hope you don't think me crazy or scattered - I too am just testing the waters here.  I feel new and bare and unsure most times - I will tell you that this is the most I have written to anyone as far as this 'on line' thing goes - you somehow manage to bring it out in me (thanks!)