Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The end is near...

Well it happened. He finally got the paper work about the divorce. We even have a court date….

My level of sadness has risen considerably. I keep thinking about the looming loneliness, a life void of any romantic fulfillment – I can’t help it – it’s a fear – it sticks in the back of my throat and my mind. So do all the tears, the sorrow the hurt and the anger. For I am oh so very angry...

He wants to talk – he wants to go get help, he wants to go to counseling. He does not want to get divorced and yet…let’s examine the facts and how *I* am viewing things here.

He has done nothing but lie to me for almost a year now. He has kept trying to hook up with his little slut while at the same time professing to me he wants to be with me (um yeah ok). He has over and over created new accounts in order to look for new women – he has continued to lie to those women as well. When I did confront him about why he is not telling people he is separated (yes instead he uses single (*bitter laugh*) but then he used single when he WAS married) – he tells me it’s none of their business….I suppose it was none of their business when he WAS married – I guess it was none of mine that he was cheating. Which is why I am opposed to going to counseling – how can you go get counseled with someone who has no moral fiber – who lies the ways some people play sports – I mean all he is going to do is what he does when we talk about these things…he is going to shrug his shoulders and say “I don’t know”, “I don’t remember” or the best one “It’s my sickness that made me do that”.

I always thought that when you were separated but wanted to put your marriage back together that that’s what you worked on – not becoming the next Don Juan….

Let’s look at it from another angle. My family and friends – I can not foreseeable get back together with him and have them be supportive or perhaps even stay in contact with me. If my daughter could figure out a way to hire a hit man she would. Now I realize that in this day and age of divorce and ‘blended’ families that sometimes the kids (especially the grown up kids) have to take a back seat to your wants and needs – but you know what…I love my kids, I love my family and I am not willing to give them up. They are part of me they always have been. A lot of my friends (in fact OUR friends) feel the same – I don’t think they would abandon us – but I do thing they would think me crazy and probably a fool…..

But then love makes you foolish doesn’t it?

I am just trying to weigh out the pros and cons here.

How about the fact that nothing has changed in his life – he has done nothing to change himself – other than to get rid of the ole’ ‘ball and chain’. He is not proactive about anything. He constantly whines about his lot in life without doing anything to change it or realize he has done this to himself. He does not want to acknowledge that ultimately he has no one to blame but himself – I take that back…he does say that sometimes – but then when he gets particularly angry or frustrated he reverts or blames me…it’s all so much fun. Lately when we talk it’s like we are strangers – strangers with nothing to say to each other.

I for one refuse to let him off the hook. That is very different from forgiveness. I can forgive him and I do. But, he has to stand up to the plate and take responsibility. He claims he has done that – but he has not in fact done it at all. Oh yes when we are alone he does – to me – the problem again becomes all the other people in our lives that he never talks to about this (over and over again friends mention feeling like there is a ‘white elephant’ in the room and he ignores it) – and so to me a huge step would be to shoulder the responsibility not just to me but to everyone…but see he again feels it’s none of their business.

To me the best thing is to just go through the process. If, who knows, in some years’ time he does the work he needs to do on HIMSELF – perhaps then we can try and put things back together. But he has to change. I have already changed. I was changing without our marriage and I think it’s probably what drove him to seek out someone else in the first place – you know some little teenybopper who only wanted to have fun, not deal with responsibility, or reality. I hope one day my husband wakes up – from his dream, from his ‘sickness’ from within his cocoon that allows him to insulate himself from the ‘real world’, from his ostrich-like behaviour and I hope when he does wake up it’s not too late for him to start really living his life and embrace all of it – the suffering, the mediocrity, the day-to-day. Perhaps one day he will let go of all of his fantasy and join the rest of us here on planet earth. Fantasy is a nice escape, but when the lines begin to blur I think you find yourself in deep trouble and all I can see him as now is a deeply troubled individual who wants me to save him from drowning in the ocean he has created for himself. The problem is that he knows how to swim and, ultimately the lesson is – you can’t save anyone else – they have to save themselves.

1 Comments:

Blogger Manic Witch said...

I know about the fear and lonliness. I was there once too. And with a cheating, manipulative spouse no less. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. He wanted a Stepford wife and for a while (10 years) I tried doing that. I finally said enough. My self esteem was shot and I made some bad choices after my divorce. But the best thing I did (besides getting the divorce) was that I moved on. I am now remarried to the most wonderful man in the world. He adores me, respects me and treats me as an equal. I could not be any happier. Just know that things will get better for you. Email me off list if you want further support or just to chat. Ldrennan_66@yahoo.com
http://earthy1.blogspot.com

3:10 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Photobucket