Mirror, mirror….do you like what you see?
I have to/want to say some things to you – I don’t think you are listening – but then do you ever listen? Really listen?
Why do you continually keep getting involved in relationships that are destructive? I mean are these the *ONLY* relationships you can manage to find – abusive relationships?
If someone is hurting you, that’s abusive, if someone is trying to isolate you – that’s a function of abuse too. You may think you want this stuff – but ultimately it hurts you more than you will ever know. And I have some news for you – You *are* dependent on others, we ALL are. Unfortunately with you – because you keep entering into these relationships (that are of course not in *YOUR* control) – you end up becoming more and more dependent, and less and less able to break away from the cycle of destruction.
You are intelligent and vital and yet, you are dying. You don’t even know why, not really. You shy away from digging any deeper because why? You might find out something about yourself you don’t like? Somewhere, somehow, some small part of this is your fault? I can tell you quite frankly that the stuff from our childhoods is not to be blamed on us. But childhood’s over with, baby and it’s time to grow up and stop laying every fuckin’ thing at the feet of your monsters in the closet. Yes you can be depressed – that’s fine – it sucks, but it’s fine – it’s all ultimately up to you, you know – isn’t it? I mean if you moan and groan about being depressed, if things are never good enough for you, if you are constantly running away from your responsibilities, if your life just isn’t what you thought it should be by now – well whose fault is that? Especially if you don’t get the help you need in order to ‘fix’ things.
I am not saying therapy is the ‘end all, be all’ but if you don’t fix this – your broken,
damaged psyche, what the hell do you think is going to happen? It’s an easy answer – you are just going to stay broken. Nothing is ever going to change and you will drown in a cycle of destructive behaviour. Perhaps it’s what you want – it’s certainly not what you deserve – not at all. No one deserves a crappy life. No one deserves to be abused – unless it’s of their own choosing – and, I am beginning to think it’s actually what you want. But then I guess you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Perhaps you want people to feel sorry for you. Perhaps you truly believe you never had a hand or a choice in the destruction that you cause – that you continue to cause to everyone around you. ‘Not your fault? How can it be your fault? You are an innocent, you were abused yourself…it’s your *"SICKNESS"*, it’s your *"DEPRESSION"* Right? It's all those horrible things those mean nasty people did to *YOU* and you can't be bothered to be held responsible now - is that it? Isn’t that what your little inner voice keeps whispering in your ear. Can’t be the fault of that damaged little girl you so desperately don’t want others to see. Nope – gotta be those other people who don’t get you. And yes how nice is it to be surrounded by people who ‘get it’ and ‘get you’, right? Don’t you really mean people that you’ve managed to snow into believing your ‘story’, people you have managed to somehow charm who don’t really know the REAL you? Your adoring fans. My, my must be really something when you hold court. People must live in awe of you and your mystery, your beauty, your talent, your with-it-ness. How cool it must be to be you…I mean you don’t think that – but you want everyone else to think it.
Don’t you ever wonder what’s going to happen when that all wears off? When you can no longer charm the pants off of people (literally) – when you start running out of victims? Or just simply when everyone begins to get tired of your little whiny act, and allyour bullshit, and you moping around and feeling sorry for yourself? When you are not cute enough to pull it off….
Oh and those people you think are talking behind your back because they don't like you - your are right (say it with me now paranoid) - but rightly so - and no, it's not 'high-school' crap (is that your pat answer to everything?) - no my dear, it's as old as the hills and it's called gossip - and you probably ignore it all - which is good - but still..it gnaws at you - makes you angry a bit - why is that? Probably because the mean-spiritedness *IS* warranted. Because nobody likes a liar, nobody wants to be friends with someone they deep down don't trust - and if they know your story - well then I guess they are just calling it like they see it - it's not jealousy - it's something way more insidious than that...and to that end - so goes your reputation.
Already the façade is beginning to crumble and the cracks are beginning to show and slowly you will fade away and no one will care. And that will be a very sad day indeed.
What a shame….
So when you look in the mirror – do you like what you see? Or do you believe the lies you tell everyone else about yourself?
Why do you continually keep getting involved in relationships that are destructive? I mean are these the *ONLY* relationships you can manage to find – abusive relationships?
If someone is hurting you, that’s abusive, if someone is trying to isolate you – that’s a function of abuse too. You may think you want this stuff – but ultimately it hurts you more than you will ever know. And I have some news for you – You *are* dependent on others, we ALL are. Unfortunately with you – because you keep entering into these relationships (that are of course not in *YOUR* control) – you end up becoming more and more dependent, and less and less able to break away from the cycle of destruction.
You are intelligent and vital and yet, you are dying. You don’t even know why, not really. You shy away from digging any deeper because why? You might find out something about yourself you don’t like? Somewhere, somehow, some small part of this is your fault? I can tell you quite frankly that the stuff from our childhoods is not to be blamed on us. But childhood’s over with, baby and it’s time to grow up and stop laying every fuckin’ thing at the feet of your monsters in the closet. Yes you can be depressed – that’s fine – it sucks, but it’s fine – it’s all ultimately up to you, you know – isn’t it? I mean if you moan and groan about being depressed, if things are never good enough for you, if you are constantly running away from your responsibilities, if your life just isn’t what you thought it should be by now – well whose fault is that? Especially if you don’t get the help you need in order to ‘fix’ things.
I am not saying therapy is the ‘end all, be all’ but if you don’t fix this – your broken,
damaged psyche, what the hell do you think is going to happen? It’s an easy answer – you are just going to stay broken. Nothing is ever going to change and you will drown in a cycle of destructive behaviour. Perhaps it’s what you want – it’s certainly not what you deserve – not at all. No one deserves a crappy life. No one deserves to be abused – unless it’s of their own choosing – and, I am beginning to think it’s actually what you want. But then I guess you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Perhaps you want people to feel sorry for you. Perhaps you truly believe you never had a hand or a choice in the destruction that you cause – that you continue to cause to everyone around you. ‘Not your fault? How can it be your fault? You are an innocent, you were abused yourself…it’s your *"SICKNESS"*, it’s your *"DEPRESSION"* Right? It's all those horrible things those mean nasty people did to *YOU* and you can't be bothered to be held responsible now - is that it? Isn’t that what your little inner voice keeps whispering in your ear. Can’t be the fault of that damaged little girl you so desperately don’t want others to see. Nope – gotta be those other people who don’t get you. And yes how nice is it to be surrounded by people who ‘get it’ and ‘get you’, right? Don’t you really mean people that you’ve managed to snow into believing your ‘story’, people you have managed to somehow charm who don’t really know the REAL you? Your adoring fans. My, my must be really something when you hold court. People must live in awe of you and your mystery, your beauty, your talent, your with-it-ness. How cool it must be to be you…I mean you don’t think that – but you want everyone else to think it.
Don’t you ever wonder what’s going to happen when that all wears off? When you can no longer charm the pants off of people (literally) – when you start running out of victims? Or just simply when everyone begins to get tired of your little whiny act, and allyour bullshit, and you moping around and feeling sorry for yourself? When you are not cute enough to pull it off….
Oh and those people you think are talking behind your back because they don't like you - your are right (say it with me now paranoid) - but rightly so - and no, it's not 'high-school' crap (is that your pat answer to everything?) - no my dear, it's as old as the hills and it's called gossip - and you probably ignore it all - which is good - but still..it gnaws at you - makes you angry a bit - why is that? Probably because the mean-spiritedness *IS* warranted. Because nobody likes a liar, nobody wants to be friends with someone they deep down don't trust - and if they know your story - well then I guess they are just calling it like they see it - it's not jealousy - it's something way more insidious than that...and to that end - so goes your reputation.
Already the façade is beginning to crumble and the cracks are beginning to show and slowly you will fade away and no one will care. And that will be a very sad day indeed.
What a shame….
So when you look in the mirror – do you like what you see? Or do you believe the lies you tell everyone else about yourself?
2 Comments:
dear god i hope you're not addressing me ;)
*laughs*
No darling, of course I didn't mean you! ^_^
It's that *OTHER* Blog ho
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