Reflections
I sit here in the early morning hours of the New Year - 2005 - the house surrounds me, settles around me and it's so quiet now (aside from the occasionally 'meeping' of my cat Penelope - Penelope is the only cat I know that meows in her sleep) - no loud revelers stumbling home from being drunk to disturb my time. I am thinking back over this past year, this past couple of days, this past couple of weeks and months. Trying to 'think' forward, it's like walking in the dark - the way I would imagine a blind person would be having to navigate in an unfamiliar room.
To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."
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Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.
I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.
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My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.
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My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.
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I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.
**************************************************************
The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.
We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.
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The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???
I want to scream and cry and seriously hurt someone back. And to see some of the snotty things she writes like about how I somehow felt the need to let her know she ruined my life. I mean I just don't get it - of course she helped to ruin my life - and why the fuck wouldn't I say something? I mean what, now it's in bad taste to confront a slut that helped ruin your marriage - is she just so used to being let off the hook for all of her wonderful escapades, ruining other people's live that she now EXPECTS people to let her slide? Yes - OK he was the major culprit here - yes he strayed from our marriage - but this little slut knew about me and still she let him touch her and sleep with her. I mean she's even doing this again but apparently the wife is playing some sort of weird Yoko Ono role while her husband does the John Lennon thing and has an affair - meanwhile the wife is at home with the kids???? Huh???? I just don't get women anymore (and I am certain a lot of the male readers in the audience don't either). Part of me is as frightened of women now as I am of men. I mean who the hell can you trust anymore?
I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.
And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.
Tick, tick, tick...
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Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.
To quote a Grateful Dead Tune "What a long, strange trip it's been."
*************************************************************
Today I was out and about and it was warming and the snow had melted and at one point I even had my window open to allow in some fresh air - I have just felt so stagnant lately - things get stale when you don't have fresh air. The sun was trying to peek out and at points it succeeded and I could smell the air and I could actually smell the breath of spring on that air - like a slumbering giant - waiting beneath the cold ground - not long now - and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, the air and the sun felt like happiness.
I wish I could bottle this shit and sell it - I'd be rich.
*******************************************************************
My good friend from NYC being here has really lifted my spirits as well. It's just so nice being with her. We spent New Year's Eve-Eve and New Year's Eve together. She had me laughing so hard at times I was crying. She does not pull any punches and her stories about her life, and of New York always are just wonderful. It's like being with a female version of Mark Twain - only with a New York attitude. She's one of the most genuine people I know. I really miss her and somedays I dream about/think about moving to NYC just to hang out with her. I love that city. I reason (to myself - and of course she tries to convince me as well) - that I would easily be able to find work there. I know for a fact I have a job teaching Yoga if I want it. That would be wonderful - but I doubt enough for me to live on in New York. I am sure I could find work as an executive assistant somewhere in NYC. Part of me would love it - but then there's the other part of me that knows I could never live there. Yeah, that's the part that wins every time.
*************************************************************
My New Year's Eve started off so strangely. I really wanted to sleep in; I *needed* to sleep in - however at 7:00 AM - I was startled awake by the sound of loud hammering. I looked out my bedroom window to find 6 Amish guys working on the house directly across the street. I was quite furious - but what the hell do you say to a bunch of Amish guys working on a house? Especially when 7:00 AM is like Noon the them.... *sigh* so I got up and made some coffee.
*********************************************************************
I had an incredible phone conversation with a 'friend' today - I just don't know what to say about this person - except to say I am amazed at how easily we can talk to each other and the depth of the conversations always take me by surprise. I just think that for now, that is all we are going to have is friendly conversation - not that I don't love that - there's very few people in my life I can talk to (really talk to) - and this man and I talk so easily - it flows from both of us - we seem to speak the same language (no pun intended) - but then I might just be projecting all of this onto him - desperate for some male contact that isn't destructive while at the same time not being 'too close' either - because I am scared to death to get close to any man right now - they frighten me and I feel like a piece of bone china - so very fragile - and I don't want to feel this way damn it! And yet, he totally understands all of this - and doesn't push.
**************************************************************
The day finally culminated in going out to a nice restaurant with my friend Linda. We went to Sergio's down by CWRU. It's a wonderful restaurant and we got to sit in the Glidden House (yes the Glidden paint people) - it's a lovely place to have dinner - nice atmosphere, great Brazilian food.
We then retired to Linda's daughter's house and sat around drinking wine and talking. All in all it was a nice evening.
****************************************************************
The problem is I find myself longing - longing for a return of my 'old' life - as awful as it was. Longing somewhere for him - for the familiarity - for those arms holding me and I get so sad about it all. And the anger and the hurt are so close to the surface all the time. All I can think about are the things he said to HER, the things he did with HER and all I keep wondering is WHY? Why the hell couldn't he have been doing those things with me, to me???
I want to scream and cry and seriously hurt someone back. And to see some of the snotty things she writes like about how I somehow felt the need to let her know she ruined my life. I mean I just don't get it - of course she helped to ruin my life - and why the fuck wouldn't I say something? I mean what, now it's in bad taste to confront a slut that helped ruin your marriage - is she just so used to being let off the hook for all of her wonderful escapades, ruining other people's live that she now EXPECTS people to let her slide? Yes - OK he was the major culprit here - yes he strayed from our marriage - but this little slut knew about me and still she let him touch her and sleep with her. I mean she's even doing this again but apparently the wife is playing some sort of weird Yoko Ono role while her husband does the John Lennon thing and has an affair - meanwhile the wife is at home with the kids???? Huh???? I just don't get women anymore (and I am certain a lot of the male readers in the audience don't either). Part of me is as frightened of women now as I am of men. I mean who the hell can you trust anymore?
I keep thinking about this being an epidemic - I am just some small insiginificant person in a world where families crumbling and people being unfaithful is common place - and perhaps I am just too fucking sensitive and I need to get over myself...'It's just a little casual sex, right?' - what the hell is the matter with me??? I feel like I am losing my mind - like I need to somehow find a way that this is all going to make some sense to me - that I am so completely out of touch and out of step with the rest of the world because I can't seem to condone any of this - I feel like a staid Victorian woman trying to live in the 21st century and it's just not working. I am like some sort of weird time traveler with different customs and everyone else is having 'fun' - meanwhile I am trying to figure out if I can *ever* have fun by lying and cheating - and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it.
And it's now almost 3:00 AM and I don't think I should be wrapping my mind around anything right now....but that mind of mine - it keeps on ticking and ticking - like a fucking Timex watch.
Tick, tick, tick...
*******************************************************************
Night all - Happy 2005 to everyone - may we all have a better time of it this year.
1 Comments:
Your blog is becoming like a patchwork quilt. Little pieces, some filled with color, other parts a little frayed around the edges. Together though it forms a whole picture, which is comforting in a way.
The past still lingers and hurts a lot, but there's some hope coming through. Keep at it. Keep replacing those torn pieces with more colorful, hopeful ones. One day, you'll see what a lovely piece of art you've made.
As for bottling the air and the sun... bottle it up inside you; and you will be rich... richer than money can buy.
Have a good year... make it a good year!
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