The Sounds of Silence
The silence in my head roars at me...there’s no escaping as my thoughts swirl around like a cesspool. Thoughts about why I can’t seem to find the right person for me in my life – not marry – not run off into the sunset with – just date – hang with – be romantic with...
I spent time the other night with one of my favourite people – he just bought a house and it is a house in the neighborhood where my ex and I used to live and it was one of those houses that when we would walk by I would point it out and say – ‘that’s the kind of house I want to live in’...it was quaint and looked like something out of a story book. So when I went up to the door and he answered I told him I half expected dwarves to answer.
We had some beers and talked and invariably we get on the subject of dating. He too is single but content. But he dates from time to time and it’s like he allows himself these little ‘trysts’. It is something I can seem to quite wrap my mind around – I don’t much feel like having a ‘one-night’ stand even if it is surrounded by a date. I just don’t feel right doing such things and I envy men their ability to detach from the act and perhaps that is part of the problem here…
My friend advises me to relax – that I don’t have to ‘know’ the answer when I haven’t heard from a guy in a week (oh yeah? even though BEFORE the ‘date’ they were writing me and calling me every day?????). I have to wonder about this – I guess when your next conquest is just around the corner perhaps you don’t wonder why they haven’t called you….
I just don’t seem to be able to be laissez faire about this... something won’t allow me to do it. I just don’t know why. I am not going to go out and get really drunk and then allow some guy to take advantage (LOL or me take advantage of them either). It does not seem to be (at least in my mind) a matter of control – it’s a matter of self-respect. It’s that I think nothing can be borne out of something so trivial. I don’t want a ‘fuck buddy’. I want something much more. And perhaps all of this is somehow tied to my loss and sadness over my failed marriage and I just don’t want to just pick up the ‘next thing that comes along’ – I don’t feel like I have a lot of time left (although part of me feels that all of us have all the time we need) – and I know I am suppose to be learning something but I don’t know what that is...exactly.
The sorrow mingles with the frustration and I feel snappish and bitchy. And it’s not even like I HAVE to find someone – it’s not a searching for Mr. Right plight. I just feel that love is one of the most precious gifts we have to give (and to receive) and I feel I have a lot to give (perhaps to much) and yes my life is full of other things, people, projects. But sometimes I feel like whining ‘All I want is to be loved – is that so bad?’ but of course along with this soundtrack comes giggling and realizing just how ridiculous and pathetic I sound.
Loneliness has a way of getting under your skin and I guess I just thought I’d be with someone at this juncture in my life.
I spent time the other night with one of my favourite people – he just bought a house and it is a house in the neighborhood where my ex and I used to live and it was one of those houses that when we would walk by I would point it out and say – ‘that’s the kind of house I want to live in’...it was quaint and looked like something out of a story book. So when I went up to the door and he answered I told him I half expected dwarves to answer.
We had some beers and talked and invariably we get on the subject of dating. He too is single but content. But he dates from time to time and it’s like he allows himself these little ‘trysts’. It is something I can seem to quite wrap my mind around – I don’t much feel like having a ‘one-night’ stand even if it is surrounded by a date. I just don’t feel right doing such things and I envy men their ability to detach from the act and perhaps that is part of the problem here…
My friend advises me to relax – that I don’t have to ‘know’ the answer when I haven’t heard from a guy in a week (oh yeah? even though BEFORE the ‘date’ they were writing me and calling me every day?????). I have to wonder about this – I guess when your next conquest is just around the corner perhaps you don’t wonder why they haven’t called you….
I just don’t seem to be able to be laissez faire about this... something won’t allow me to do it. I just don’t know why. I am not going to go out and get really drunk and then allow some guy to take advantage (LOL or me take advantage of them either). It does not seem to be (at least in my mind) a matter of control – it’s a matter of self-respect. It’s that I think nothing can be borne out of something so trivial. I don’t want a ‘fuck buddy’. I want something much more. And perhaps all of this is somehow tied to my loss and sadness over my failed marriage and I just don’t want to just pick up the ‘next thing that comes along’ – I don’t feel like I have a lot of time left (although part of me feels that all of us have all the time we need) – and I know I am suppose to be learning something but I don’t know what that is...exactly.
The sorrow mingles with the frustration and I feel snappish and bitchy. And it’s not even like I HAVE to find someone – it’s not a searching for Mr. Right plight. I just feel that love is one of the most precious gifts we have to give (and to receive) and I feel I have a lot to give (perhaps to much) and yes my life is full of other things, people, projects. But sometimes I feel like whining ‘All I want is to be loved – is that so bad?’ but of course along with this soundtrack comes giggling and realizing just how ridiculous and pathetic I sound.
Loneliness has a way of getting under your skin and I guess I just thought I’d be with someone at this juncture in my life.
posted by Colette at 1:58 PM
1 Comments:
I have yet to understand how guys can detach so easily for one night stands or fuck buddies. I have friends that do it quite easily, some of whom are even in open marriages. Maybe it has something to do with how you perceive love and how easily you can separate it from the physical. It's kinda hard to think that some guys are just more higher up spiritual than us gals. Oh well. Just knowing what you can and cannot handle is half the journey. Good for you for knowing! ;)
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