Doe in the headlights - a.k.a 'Here's a sad story about a man and a deer'
I am caught, stuck. I am standing on the edge of a precipice and ready to go over the edge - but there is nothing to catch my fall. There is nowhere to fall. I wonder if that's really all that bad though. How often do we find ourselves in these places, between a rock and a hard place...and it's really our own fault. I could have seen this coming but I didn't look - I guess I did not want to know. I wanted to trust in the 'safety' of love. I wanted to "be" in love. But there is no going back to the shelter of his arms. I can't get comfortable there anymore. It doesn't feel like home - it feels like the enemy camp.
We get so entangled in our own internal dialogues. Love - it just seems like a way for us to flatter ourselves. We are all suppose to be unique, self sufficient, independent humans. Yet, for some reason, probably only known by Providence, we feel this need to take a mate. But it's just a biological imperative, right? Because we were blessed with brains (or as my friend who studies chemistry would say more chemical reactions - a sort of engine/power station running the whole/the mechanics of the body) - and these brains have evolved over the ages along with language and love is painted as an idyllic, pastoral scene - picnics and flowers and passionate speeches. When did it become so? When did man go from 'Me Tarzan, You Jane' - that primal need to reproduce (again for God knows what reason - did ancient man actually understand mortality?) - to all of this crap we call love?
Is there a universal connectedness between humans that has us turning to each other for more than just baser instinct? If so, how can we possibly expect it to work? You have human being A who falls for human being B - they court each other and they don't show their 'true' selves, their insecurities, their phobias, (although obviously falling in love is a vunerable act because you have to open up a little). You don't see the 'real them' in a lot of instances until after you are married or living together.
Wisdom of late, dictates that if a woman is with a man and he has habits she does not like, forget about changing him (perhaps this is a male conspiracy). But aren't we all about change, about evolution? The question becomes are you each changing at the same rate, and, are you changing in the same directions. Better yet, can you love your mate enough to tolerate their change and be supportive, and unselfish about it - can you let go? I suppose those of us out there who like to think we are more enlightened can do this.
I think what happened with me is a combination of both the 'not knowing him' and me changing and growing and him being resentful of it and stagnating. I keep thinking, as I get older, that it is impossible to find that one love, that person that I can grow old with. Sure sentiment and intention are great. True love is rare, it is something to be cherished. Hell, love is something to be cherished no matter what form it takes. More and more though I think it boils down to the biological imperative - and I am sorry to say it falls more on the heads (no pun intended) of the male of our species - that bser instinct seems to have never died out and evolved into a love poem...
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