Monday, July 26, 2004

How much does the heart weigh?

My heart is so heavy today.  I don't think it should be light...but I am so tired of being so sad.

Today is the appointment with my attorney. 

I have never in my entire life despised two people the way I despise that girl and my husband.  Never.

THAT GIRL has - I have said before -  gone on to ruin another marriage.  Recently I got the details on that.  My heart breaks for the other married woman.  This man is 33 years old, he has 3 young children and he is now living with this 19 year old girl.  From what I can gather he loves her - I don't know if this love, (as my husband's did for this girl), borders on obsession.  I think this man claims he needs her and she needs him.  (Yea buddy I believe the word you are looking for is 'use').  Perhaps it is the real thing - but who cares.  (I do in a way). Why? You might ask - perhaps I can liken it to the Neil Young song - the one about 'the needle and the damage done' look at all the damage this girl's 'adventures' have caused.  She is like a drug.
I wish I could end this path of destruction.

I have found out that as recently as last week my husband WAS STILL  trying to be with/in contact with -  this young woman.  I of course have had it and nothing is going to change my mind anymore.  I am not confused anymore.

When I was her age - I believed in 'free love' as well, a throw back from the hippie days.  I would like to say I can be compassionate and understand that sometimes love happens - when we least expect.  There are times when we can't control our feelings inside.  And that I could understand that.  I could be the type of person who could understand marital affairs and forgive them.  But even when I was her age, it would have absolutely creeped me out to be with a married man.  In fact I was hanging with a girl at the time who helped to break up a family (I did not say happy family - for they weren't) - it was still one of the ugliest things I ever witnessed at the age of 18.  It was horrible.  While I did have compassion for their love, I cast the husband as the 'bad guy who should have known better' - and I believe he should have. I believe my friend should have too - coming from a broken home herself. 

I believe my husband should have known better (and I believe he does know better whether he admits it or not) - and I believe this new husband should know better - but again not having all the facts I can't know what his specific information is. 

This young woman definitely knows better - but does not care.   It all becomes a matter of control or discipline or regard for other's situations despite your own wants.  You might really have the 'hots' for that 33-year old married man - but is it worth breaking up his family?  Is it really?  Aren't there any 23-26-year old unmarried men you can 'play' with my dear?

I don't know what happened to that part of me that figured that humans are humans and make mistakes and it's ok.  I have not suddenly turned Repubican or Right-wing or anti smut, or anti gay/lesbian marriages.  I guess when you become part of the 'walking wounded' you begin to get a bit angry.  Angry at people's constant need to check out the 'greener grass' on the other side of the fence; their constant pursuit of instant gratification; their disregard for things like loyalty, trust, fidelity; their constant desire-chasing, think-with-their-penis model that ALWAYS leads to suffering - because desire always leads to suffering - always. 

And I want to be around one of these days, 5-10-15 years from now when that once so-in-love-with-you 19-year-old has moved on - leaving you alone with an ex-wife and kids who won't talk to you - or with kids that will be scarred for life - then I want to ask you two questions:

Was it worth it? and,

Are you happy now?

2 Comments:

Blogger dhamel said...

Hmm. A 19-year-old such as you describe is indeed to be blamed for not understanding--or caring about--the effect her actions may have. But I would find fault far more with the husbands involved, who *do* know what's involved but have put their loved ones' happiness at risk anyway. At least the 19-year-old has the excuse of not yet having her life turned inside out by the arrival of children in a marriage; of not having met yet with demands in life that make continuing in a partnership not so much a romantic option as a realistic means of dealing with responsibilties (childcare, lawn mowing, plumbing, old age, insurance). She probably still thinks of life as a playtime not having serious consequences. But the guy's a jerk.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Gurustu said...

That reminds me of something I heard on the radio some time back. The female radio host, now in her mid-30's, recalled her own 'wild times' back in her 19-20-21-ish days. She said she loved the POWER she had over married men. Back then (something she claims not to be proud of now) she didn't care about anyone else, but her conquest. She didn't even care that much about the married guys... just that she COULD do it.

Men get stupid. No excuse there. "Thinking with only one head at a time" thing. They're both to blame.

Now if your ex is STILL trying to get involved, then he's really proven his stupidity. He'll get what he deserves.

You? Don't stop the path of destruction you're on... just get off!

This time is painful... it totally sucks... but hold your head up as high as you can. In the end, you'll all prove yourself to be who you really are.

:-)

9:26 PM  

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