Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Longing to be released

In that quiet place in my heart, where I try to ponder, to reflect, to meditate – there is no solace. It is like there is a heavy curtain has been drawn and I can’t get a glimpse through in order to really gauge my feelings. I am so sad, I am so fear-bound by this pending divorce. I don’t know why. I don’t think I filed on impulse (but then unfortunately that’s one of my other major flows – that I am impulsive) – I feel that this was more of a life-preserving measure – or at least a heart (emotional) saving measure.

So why am I so scared? Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset that he now won’t talk to me – won’t understand the reasoning behind this? I mean is this not an easy matter to understand? He betrayed me, over and over, he knew there was a knife in my heart and he kept turning the blade – why wouldn’t I run from that – what kind of sick and sadistic person would stay through such behaviours??? And, it’s not even that I am staying with him now – why would I put my neck on the chopping block again (go back to him) – for I have to say – if this happened to me again – it would kill someone (probably me because I don’t own a firearm and I would never run anyone over with a car 3 times *snicker*).

I still love this man – that much is true. The love has receded, become cautious, not joyful, exuberant – this love is afraid of it’s own shadow. More to the point – this love seems to dwell in the shadows. Living with him was like living with a constant shadowy uncertainty. I never knew when he was going to be a jerk, I never knew what he was really up to. There was always a hint that he was being underhanded, sneaky.

I keep telling myself to throw myself into my life – full steam ahead and all that crap – but I am paralyzed and I don’t know why. Part of me feels that it’s not a good idea to just start projects or keep myself too busy because I feel there is a second wave coming and when it hits I don’t want to be non-functioning or renege on any commitments.

I don’t want to have a laundry list on here of his bad qualities or a litany of my complaints *laugh*, that’s what this blog has turned into at times hasn’t it – me fuming, foaming at the mind about his transgressions. But they DO come into play here. I mean is it wrong of me to want to be with someone who is going to be kind to me? Where I don’t have to always be on the defensive, where I don’t have to always be reacting, in fight or flight mode, where I can relax, where I can trust, where I don’t have to wonder all the time….

In talking to a friend the other night, I was asking why I am attracted to such buffoons and she explained her own attraction to intelligent, artistic types as well – so my question is – does that come with the territory? Does this mean I have to look for a blue-collarish-beer-swilling-handy-man type where there is going to be no intellectual stimulation???? Or worse does this mean in order to be with someone who is creative, intelligent etc. that I have to be abused??? Oh Goddess please – I’d rather be alone. I keep whispering to myself – it’s like a mantra now – “WHY CAN’T HE BE A BETTER PERSON?” The answer becomes that he is simply incapable or he refuses to and I don’t know which it is. Perhaps the only thing to do is finish things once and for all and sit back and wait – maybe if he was with someone else he would not act this way? Maybe it’s me bringing out the worst in him? Maybe he can be a better person but not with/to me – and if you love someone, truly love someone, isn’t that what you want for them – to see them become the best person they can be for themselves? Is my love strong enough to step aside to release my ego and my fear to allow him the freedom to do just that become himself….

I hope so – for both of our sakes.

3 Comments:

Blogger Liam said...

In my own experience I'm beginning to learn that some relationships are like sinking ships. You can continue to bail, barely keeping them afloat, but wearing yourself out in the process. Or, you can just let them sink, and accept that you had done all that you could. In the end, we have ZERO control over anyone but ourselves. I've always thought, and continue to think that a good relationship should bring far more to you and your well being than it takes. It should lift you up and inspire you to be whatever you want, or need, to be.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Ohjeeze said...

My husband of 14 years and partner for 21 years doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to demand a divorce. I'm waiting to get into counseling to work on myself before I tell him. My point is I understand what you are going through. And you are doing the right thing, because you can't change anyone but yourself. He sounds like he is only good to you when it suits him. What the heck do you need with that? BTW, you aren't bringing out the worst in him, he brings out the worst in himself.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First time reader redsaid from redsaid.net here:

I want to echo the sentiments of the other commenters. But then, you've already figured it out for yourself too. I can imagine that facing the divorce and the uncertainty that lies ahead must be difficult. But I'm sure the rewards it will bring will be worth all the heartache and worry.

4:30 AM  

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