Friday, August 20, 2004

Can divorce be predicted like any natural disaster?

Here is a story from Yahoo that caught my eye - because these days I am all about the failing relationship. I read this over and see myself and the things *I* did that helped cause the demise of my marriage. I am tired of playing the blame game - I need to shouder some of this too - I have been angry - and yes I have been cautioned not to be angry at myself - but you know what - fuck that noise - if it's deserved why not be a little angry at yourself???? Instead I run and jump on my soapbox and point my angry finger at everyone but me, myself, I. Relationships are hard work and too often I think the frailty of being a human being, ingrained habits, the stress of day-to-day life, our 'getting in our own way' and any other number of stressors, make us lash out at those closest to us. We think 'well they will always be there...' - but THEY won't folks - everyone has a limit to what they will tolerate.

If we, in our relationships, don't treat each other with kindness and respect, with tenderness and care - even if the situation does not always warrant kindness vs. snapping or being a bitch - well then how can we expect to rise above it all? We can't. And in my case we didn't....so why am I so hurt, so shocked by HIS reactions to my reactions. Silly, silly girl.

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'We're Done' Can be Predicted Before 'I Do'

By Kathleen Doheny
HealthDay Reporter
THURSDAY, Aug. 19 (HealthDayNews)

It seems the seeds of divorce are sown long before a couple recites their wedding vows.

New research shows certain relationship skills -- or the lack of them -- can predict whether two people are headed for marital bliss or a painful breakup.

The skills that predicted success will come as no surprise to marriage therapists or happily married couples.

"The ones who stayed happily married were likely to handle conflict constructively," said study author Mari L. Clements, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. Her report appears in the August issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family.

"Even in the midst of a difficult issue in their relationship, they were likely to treat each other with respect," Clements said. "They were likely to listen to each other."

Those headed for divorce were more likely to make negative comments about the relationship or the partner, she found. And this pattern was evident before the marriage ever took place.

>Clements and her colleagues studied 100 couples over 13 years to predict and confirm the couples' marital satisfaction or distress. The couples had volunteered to participate in the Denver Family Development Project beginning in 1980 and were each planning their first marriage.

Before their wedding, they were tested using a variety of measures, such as a marital adjustment test which evaluates such factors as happiness, disagreement and confidence, a tool that allows a partner to rate the effect of their spouse's communication, and a relationship problem inventory.

"Couples who ended up divorced viewed each others' communication more negatively," Clements said.

>"We assessed them before they got married, when they still had all the rose-colored glasses in place," she said. "We followed them for 13 years."

As the study continued, 58 couples were considered happily married (although some had fallen into distress and then recovered), 22 were married but not happy and 20 had divorced.

The findings are actually good news, Clements said, because the lack of skills leading up to unhappiness and divorce can be dealt with in counseling. "The way you handle conflict, the way you communicate with your partner, we can [help people] change those," she said.

And it's not that the happily married couples are perfect, Clements said. "It wasn't that the couples who are happy never undermined or insulted their partners," she said. "They just did it less."

>But even a few hurtful remarks can turn a small problem into a big one over the years, she said. "Say I only say one nasty thing to my partner once a day. But over 13 years, to hear it every day will have a cumulative effect."

Marriage expert Thomas Bradbury calls the findings "noteworthy" because they show how a handful of variables assessed even before marriage can reveal important information about how a relationship will evolve.

From the study, "we see how the presence of harsh and critical comments, even very brief and well-intentioned ones, can accumulate to erode spouses' feelings of closeness and intimacy," said Bradbury, a professor in the department of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles and author of several books on marriage and divorce.

"I agree with Dr. Clements and her colleagues that more work is needed on this topic, but already we can see that our relationships, like most things, require maintenance and attention. John F. Kennedy said it best: The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. Attending to our relationships now, today, is essential if we want them to remain strong into the future."

1 Comments:

Blogger Gurustu said...

One thing I always try to do when reviewing my past behavior, is never to call myself names. I don't say things like "I'm so stupid!" because then that not only degrades me, it give me permission to do stupid things in the future (after all, I can't help it, can I? I'm stupid)

I replace that with "that was a stupid thing to do." That way I own up to my own stupid actions, but leave myself room to stop it and grow.

9:51 AM  

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